Fertility and Laughs: Building Awareness through Comedy and Vulnerability

I didn't want to think about motherhood until I found the partner and then once I did I I also didn't believe in any of

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these kind of like oh um you know you know matern like

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35 is geriatric pregnant I laughed at that I also was really you know taken

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back like I said I'm in Hollywood so you're always seeing some celebrity getting pregnant like 50 like

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[Music]

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well the Hy thank you so much welcome to quiet the clock I'm so incredibly excited to have you here and have this

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conversation um and we were just talking off camera about a mutual connection Alison who connect me with you and

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that's what's been the beauty of this podcast and this journey is that everyone is really passionate about

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paying it forward and sharing their stories and so anyone I speak to know somebody else that has gone through this

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and says you have to speak to this person and so I appreciate the shared passion for this I I appreciate your willingness to be here um so thank you

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so much thank you so much for having me I really uh I love Allison so much and

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um and I'm really happy to be here I have to admit something to you tell me tell

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me I it was so I was so thrilled to be on this podcast and then as I was like

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watching a lot a couple of episodes to like prepare for our meet up it was hard

1:30

for me to watch I was like oh wow I I don't know

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if I want to hear this person Journey again because it was bringing back a lot of things and I had thought like I was

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so surprised about it because as you know I'm doing a full show about my experience as a comedy special about it

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yeah and I was really surprised to feel like um I could only like I would just

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come in a little bit here I could see how warm you were and and how friendly and how inviting you were and I was like

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great I feel I'm going to be comfortable with this woman we're going to have a great Bond and connection that's all I

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need to know but like staying for the actual story was like a I didn't I don't

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know if I was ready for it it's interesting because um I I wonder in terms of your audience

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Bas if like are are people it was just a curiosity to me

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like to see if people who are about to begin the journey find it really helpful or people who have gotten s

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successful in the things that they were pursuing also like to hear about it or or people in my case where you've tried

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so many different angles and things and it didn't necessarily work out the way you wanted do they still tune into these

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things like it was just it was yeah no and I love you sharing sort of your response to it and your reaction it

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sounds like a little bit surprised maybe to have that but I think that's so honest and real and raw because I think

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and that's I think the Nuance we're trying to figure out is because and I think it's very normal to watch other

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people's Journeys and be happy for them as if it's successful but also then be sad for yourself and and normalizing

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that it's okay to hold space for both yes um I think it could be really hard to watch if it wasn't it didn't turn out

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the way that you wanted I think a lot of our audience are women that um are

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thinking about egg freezing are are you know have questions they want answered or unsure about it and I think that it

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is helpful to hear other people's stories and just learn more about how what was the medication what was the

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process where did you go um but I think you bring up a really great Point that's totally valid that you know it can be

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hard to listen to and I do know people that it's hard to listen to I know for me it was it's been hard in my old

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journey to watch other people be successful and I not be successful yeah I think yeah there's much truth to just

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navigating all those emotions and like allowing yourself to feel them yeah and it's so tricky too because you know you

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come into these things for information to learn but then you you can't help but

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start to do comparison which is so not what you're supposed to do you're like you have to recognize that you're a

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different person you're not you know your journey is different your body chemistry and makeup but then but then

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you have you also want to get the information you also want to hear what people have gone through so you can

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navigate better and it's such a tricky thing to like to get in that but then not compare yourself for like what did I

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do wrong work out I followed what this lady did and yet it's not and was successful

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for her or not and I think that shows up I mean I'll speak for myself like comparison has showed up so much for me

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and that's the biggest piece that I have struggled with so whether it was like you know I wanted a baby and I didn't have one yet saw everybody else get

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pregnant like that would like you know throw me off the rail you know or then I have my son and I feel very grateful and

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then I see people getting pregnant with they're second and I want a second and that would like throw me off and I just

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think it's part of it I think that that's the honesty to it is you're going to get in those places you are going to

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compare but then it's like how do you move through those and how do you move past those and I think to deny those is

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like invalidating our feelings because it's real and it's what we feel absolutely yeah that is true yeah so I I

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love you sharing that I do I love that Honesty yeah so let's start with your journey if you don't mind sharing here

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let's start with my journey um if you can I'm clearly a performer comedian

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person because I might be doing a lot of weird Little Voices or sounds I love your Vibe and it's the end it's your

5:51

last recording of this trip and so like it's like very comfortable and easy so this is great um yeah so I

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because I've been um like my all my my whole life I knew that that's what I

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wanted to be was an Entertainer and it was just so clear that that was my purpose that

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um uh motherhood and even marriage was like very back burner kind of situation

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and I also knew because I I I grew up in a two parent household and I could see

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very clearly that that's kind of what I wanted um I if that was possible I would

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like to have a partner with it because it already seemed like a lot just in general yeah so um yeah

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I and what surprised me was once I got married um which that is

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another thing in all of itself I even make a joke about it in my show that I got more congratulations and well wishes

6:57

for getting married than any my personal and professional a wild that's so wild

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like people were just like oh You' really done it well well that's part of the thing and that's what we talk about

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is like that is deemed the Milestone that is deemed the AC accomplishment and then all the feelings of Shame and un

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judgment and all these things when you don't reach the Milestones that's why it's called quiet the clock it's not only about fertility it's about like

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everybody gets do those things on their own time and that is not the marker of success whether or not you're married I'm not married I'm not married so I

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guess I haven't met that you know successful Milestone yet but I but it's so also so

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arbitrary because it's like you can do things as a person that

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you've put a lot of effort and you're working towards and then marriage really

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which cons like which means that you have to like engage another person to

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like decide and it's a lot of factors to make that right is like uh you know you

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should be getting more achievements for these things that you have worked yourself for versus something that may

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or may not work out or that that has another person as a factor do you know what I'm saying yeah and just because

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you're married doesn't mean it's successful no and it's also so common not to be a jerk about it I mean I'm

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married too right but it's like a lot of people get married like not everybody's doing a fertility podcast like you not

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everybody like these are the things like we need to like celebrate like that is like something very new love that yeah

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yeah and like so it's like oh my gosh the thing that is the most common on the planet which is partnering in this way

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whether it be good bad terrible whatever that's what celebrated anybody can do it yeah and and sometimes people do it for

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the wrong reasons and all that but you're still getting celebrated regardless yes and it was so frustrating for me and I actually did like uh like a

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kind of improvised comedy show about it because I was so surprised and we didn't

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rush to get have children um because we wanted to travel and honestly on our honeymoon like we went to like three

9:05

different continents like we wow where go we went well actually two continents

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we went to um we went to we went from New Orleans to Paris to then um to

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Madrid Spain and then we bopped around several cities in Morocco um and then I

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was I I thought it was we also went to the Philippines but it was not on that trip but so that's why I thought it was like different we went to Asia but it

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not true um but yeah so we were like let's like enjoy each other because we

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also found each other in like in our 30s and late 30s for me and I wanted to just

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like enjoy it you know this is also the first person i' had ever lived with this is the first person he'd ever lived with

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so we wanted to like get to know each other um before you had gotten married and were you feeling any of the

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narratives a lot of narratives that come up and things that we talk about here as like the running out of time or feeling

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certain way about not meeting someone yet or did none of that come up with you for you I always felt like I was running

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out of time with my career it was always like oh my gosh I'm not the the latest

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young thing anymore the big credit that that was a big deal for me now is like

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10 years old now nobody cares that you were did that project you don't have

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another like it was all I've always had that and because I live in LA I would

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often find myself like seeing a kind of marker of like oh this person was doing

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this and then now they have their own show and then they're doing this and so that was always the thing that for me was like a a litmus test of

10:50

milestones and honestly nobody really thought I would ever find somebody so no

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one was like coming up to me like you need to freeze your eggs to think about it cuz they're just like this lady

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doesn't is not doesn't seem like dating is her like she's so well maybe yeah

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career Focus I guess they realized that that was your priority and I also think in my

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mind when I looked at Comedians and women who were in

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entertainment I saw you know I'm I saw that there was almost like a weird

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sacrifice about the relationship because with men and entertainment there's always like that silent woman in the

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background that's providing all their children and creating the fun photo op for them and they you know and and they

11:39

go out and travel and then the ladies in the background holding it all down right holding it all down until they get

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exchanged for a younger model that can give them more children H in their later

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age you know and who's tiny and young and whatever it is and so with the women I never saw that you know they were

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either single or or having to cycle through so I was just like I guess frustrating in itself oh

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yes it is Lady oh my God so I was like well I mean I'm clearly not the type that's like a wife so um but then when I

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found someone that really hit all the things that I wanted which was like someone who's going to be supportive of

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my career somebody who um who I think of as like a trusted friend uh someone who

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is interested in being with my family and I with them because I'm very close to my parents and and um someone who

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also can get along with my friendship circle and has the same interests I was like oh snap this actually is cool

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and it actually made me feel like I could take on motherhood because I was

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like okay I have support yeah because every person that I had told talked to

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who was married were like even if you have the best hband in the world it's still on you as the lady the children

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come to you you could have the most supportive husband you still bury the

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carry the brunt of it it's true it is true it is true like and and I you know Rob is an amazing father he is so

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helpful but yeah we just there's so much that we do like even behind the scenes like the dentist appointments the the

13:22

diapers make sure there's diapers make sure yes there it is it is even yeah I I can agree more with that sentiment you

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can have the best husband partner father but moms do a big load of it they do I

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mean Jimmy Kimel has this um like little bit where he interviews like dads and on

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the street and he's like give me all your kids age and ages and he they're like

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um do you know your child's like first grade teacher oh no way and they and

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then like they'll they'll ask the mom the same question and she'll be like this is the boom boom boom I mean I

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think hope I I think we're getting generational like men having a like realizing that they need to

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like be more but but that does de to happen but

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um so yeah so the long story short of it is I didn't want to think about motherhood until I found the partner and

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then once I did I I also didn't believe in any of these kind of

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like oh um you know you know matern like 35 is geriatric PR I laughed at that I

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also was really you know taken a like I said I in Hollywood so you're always seeing some celebrity getting pregnant

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like 50 or like 4ing it's so misleading so I was like oh great all I need to do is save up that

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money for IVF get whatever the celebrities are doing and then I get my

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and it's it's and that was such a huge Awakening that that that's not how it was yeah we had a guest on talking about

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that sort of the harmfulness of the celebrity narrative where you do see all those things and of course they're in

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like you know social media or press whatever and you just and I think sometimes certain celebrties there's

15:03

this lack of transparency of how they got there facts which is also so harmful because you just it creates this

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narrative that it can just happen look oh my God she got pregnant at 45 or she got pregnant at 47 and so it's so

15:15

misleading and it's so harmful and you know everybody has a right to their story and how they want to tell it but I

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think some more transparency would be really helpful to a larger audience absolutely absolutely but there's also

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with the transparency you know there's a lot of bias and there's a lot of um

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hierarchy in terms of motherhood like getting pregnant naturally versus getting pregnant with IVF versus your

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donor eggs versus natural pregnant uh giving birth without any meds versus

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doing an epidural versus like a SE I know breastfeed not breastfeed it's like

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why are we just supporting every each other instead of judging like everybody's path and journey right

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you're an adopted mom are you like a is it's not as you haven't gone through the

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trenches as we have as a person whove carried it's a

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surrogate using a surrogate and not although I will say I maybe I am now I'm

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just like we shouldn't judge and then I have gotten really judgy but but it is weird to see so many like celebrity moms

16:24

using C surgat it feels very handmade stale you know what I mean and I always

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wonder about that because it's like can you really not carry your own baby or you just don't want to you don't want to

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yeah yeah I mean I was thinking about that too like like I was like um we can get into this but like for my

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husband um I'll just call him uh Mel he

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he really was like um you know uh cuz I I I was I think I'd be open I was

16:56

definitely open to adoption fostering I it didn't really I didn't necessarily feel like I had to carry I would want to

17:02

of course uh just on like the progenies passing on what have you but if it

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didn't feel like that would preclude me from like trying something else but for

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him the there was a part of him that really wanted to Conn con his genetic material

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and the what was my point of the story oh uh I was thinking like the older I

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got I was like I don't know if I even want to even if we had donor eggs that were beautiful and pristine and we made

17:33

all these embryos I was like oh do I really want to like you know carry a child at 48 or 49 or 50 like what is

17:41

Janet Jackson think I was just thinking of Janet Jackson as you're saying that like what I mean just do your concert

17:49

lady why do you need to carry this baby go ahead and buy like that's terrible

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but go get a surrogate but I think that's our Choice as women I know it is

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yeah no I'm not judging I knew I would Jud I now we're judging now we're judging but yeah but I think I think

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part of that is like what is right for us right is right for us not based on what anyone else is saying not what

18:13

anyone is judging not the way anyone else did it like what is right for us and what is right for your relationship for you and your husband what is that

18:20

vision and H like we can't pay attention to what other people are doing what other people are saying that we should do yeah absolutely no it's it's true and

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and you know and I realized that even though I had said that little judgment about jenet Jackson I I was also getting

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that same kind of judgment pursuing IVF in my 40s you know like like maybe you

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should you missed the window so Let It Go like why are you spending all this money to try to to make to to what is uh

18:50

to to uh quiet quiet the clock or it stopped the clock or what have you and

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then it's also such a misnomer because IVF doesn't stop the clock it you're still having to deal with what you what

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you have and um so yeah it Go Janet do

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your thing there's no judgment I'm glad you're yeah I mean it is like I'm sure

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there's a part of her who wanted to experience what that was so yeah and if you can and you are able to then why not

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sure yeah so so you guys get married and do you start talking about children where does the journey start did you

19:27

start trying natur did you go right to IVF yes so that's a great question too

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so as I said like my career is in entertainment it's there's lots of highs lows and at the time that we got married

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I was in a very big dry period in terms of work that's got to be so hard it is

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hard it's so I I got to yeah to navigate that like one minute things are going really well and then maybe not and kind

19:53

of waiting out those yeah that's got to be really mentally emotionally hard it is mentally and emotionally hard and

19:58

you're living in Los Angeles which is one of the most expensive cities in the world um and we are conscious people

20:07

that know that we want our child to be provided for and it's so funny because

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like the older you get the more conscious about it like like I feel like a 16-year-old is like who cares it'll

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we'll figure it out I'm pregnant and then like we're like wait a second what can we afford here how does this cost

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and child care and yes yes right and we live in America that even though they

20:30

are shoving down our throats that we should have our children um on this kind of like uh feeling there's no support to

20:40

have it whether it's child care or paid time off or having the partner having

20:46

pay off like I was listening I don't know if it was Denmark or Sweden where they literally have a nurse come in for

20:52

10 days to and they get a year off and they get a year off to be to do

20:57

housework look at the other children tell them how to latch like let them sleep wash themselves we are so far

21:04

behind and yet we're expecting that and um so so in TW like a year into our

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marriage I got a staffed which means I started writing on a show that I was

21:17

also acting in and I had sold a television show and I was like 2019 and

21:23

2020 is going to be amazing so it's like start of 2020 we should just do this

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because everything is going to go great in 2020 um it's going to be a banner year

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and um I think so many people thought that and and then it was like bam not

21:41

going to be a banner year it was not okay it was not I was like I had a mask

21:47

on the other day because I felt something and I wanted to be and I was like I'm four years into this and every

21:52

I still have one in the car just in case I'm like wow who would have thought we really were like we're going to do this

21:58

for for a month and then and I think about sort of the psychological mental impact of that I don't think we've all

22:04

processed what we live through no we have not that's true yeah and so that's

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so that is when I started the fertility Journey at the top at the very end of

22:15

2019 into 2020 oh my gosh so did you have to stop at some point because

22:21

things or did they let you continue treatments so I the

22:27

first one one thing that I I was so um I

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think conditioned by what I would see with the celebrity things that I didn't and I'm a person who does do a lot of research I did not do enough research on

22:41

IVF or even how much how I should have started to prepare my body for pregnancy

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in general well I think that's really important to talk about because even through just doing this podcast I have learned so much more about other support

22:54

resources acupuncture diet nutrition and I mean I froze my eggs at 37 I didn't

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know any of that stuff and there's so much more and this is what's so great about having these conversations and

23:05

putting like good information out there is that there is if you know about it Ian you can't do anything if you don't

23:10

know about it but if you know about it there's other other things that you can do and I know that you know like we had

23:16

acupuncture on earlier and some medical doctors don't know some of these things so it's on us to sort of seek that out

23:23

and do that research yeah it is and it's kind of unfortunate because you're

23:28

giving you know like I talk about in my show like it's like a $30,000 process and you

23:35

actually have to do a lot of like startup stuff before you get there and so much of diet and exercise and your

23:42

mental state and and so many homeopathic things can be done before you even get

23:49

to whatever that level is and you know it's a some it's a thing that

23:56

sometimes I really do think about because you are going against the clock and I

24:02

was like wow if I had what would have what would have I

24:07

can't do this like Mel was like don't ever do this why are you doing this but but I'm like if I had taken if I had the

24:15

the real information at the start when I was

24:20

younger um would I have had different results because my first doctor was very

24:27

non complimentary he didn't really sub he already felt my first IVF doctor I

24:34

just got because he was on a plan that worked well with our insurance this is not a thoughtful process you know like

24:40

you need to really have someone who's like engaged and believes in you and was

24:45

giving you different methods to try to do that and he was very dogmatic about

24:51

the drugs and I'm also my body is not someone that is very um like responsive

24:57

to drugs and I I do very well with natural things and so he didn't he was very dismissive

25:04

of that as a thing like as a who who kind of thing a good amount are because

25:10

they are not educated in those things and you know I'm sorry that was your experience and I had a similar

25:16

experience where I was not supported I was not heard and it's so sensitive and so vulnerable that you really need that

25:23

and I think this is why these conversations are so important because it gives you

25:28

sort of the knowledge to know just advocate for yourself and if it doesn't feel right you have to change it so um

25:35

just share a little bit about my journey I did one round of IVF at this Clinic that was just I never met a doctor until

25:41

the day of the transfer and it was I didn't feel support yeah it was so so bad and you know even doing this being

25:48

in this space and doing this podcast there was so much I didn't know and and I think it's not it hasn't been read

25:55

readily available to us I think these conversations are good and now people are sharing on social media and you're

26:01

doing your show and I don't know if it's our fault that we didn't do enough research I just don't think there was

26:06

enough conversation around it no because there was so much there's a lot of guilt

26:12

and shame about the process in general and having to even do it or having difficulties about it which is why you

26:20

suffer kind of in silence and I will say this too like as a black

26:26

woman I was really and I talk about this in the show too that um I had been surrounded

26:34

by so many people who had fibroids or um

26:39

like had really like serious kind of endometrio things that were happening that are

26:46

directly related to racism in America and and I say America because they it's

26:53

it's not shown in like other it doesn't show up in this case in

26:58

in Africa or in um other parts of in where we see black women you see this

27:07

pervasive in in America and so you're like wow not only is this man this was a white male doctor not only is he

27:13

disconnected from me in terms of like understanding me as a woman he's not

27:19

even understanding where I am on this journey of this and he's also not even understanding even like a historical

27:24

context of what what's happening here because modern gy ology stem from Forced

27:29

experiments done on enslaved black women and like I learned this through doing my show like these kinds of like historical

27:36

things that are like around and it's like it's deep and I was just

27:43

like I also feel like sometimes like well they really want to come to my show now it's IVF it is about um enslavement

27:51

it is about the but I I do think that the the reason why I wanted to do the

27:57

show is like I do want to talk about these things and I've always as an Entertainer taken on subject matter that

28:03

is challenging to talk about and I think that is the role of the comedian to take

28:08

on these topics and and and personalize them give them uh and and and allow for

28:15

people to uh absorb them in a way that is uh speaks to their Humanity um more

28:24

than like a textbook or some sort of like documentary although

28:30

there's but that's some sort of clinical documentary about yeah I I think it's such a unique and amazing way to be

28:37

cultivating these conversations so I want to hear more about your journey but then also yeah how the show was born

28:43

what you talk about on the show what the response has been for the show and I said this off camera I'm so bummed

28:48

because I'm went leaving one day early I would have been able to see your show it's coming to you I I feel like you're going to get to see it um well yeah so

28:56

like I said 2020 I thought was going to be my banner year for my career and my fertility and none of those things

29:04

happened all those projects that I was telling you they got shelv and it was really kind of tough and I was having a

29:10

hard time like um getting work and getting pregnant and um one of the

29:17

things that was kind of robbed from me in the pandemic was uh live performance

29:23

and so as soon as like it started opening up again I thought you know I'd love to share like these struggles that

29:29

I've been going through because what was happening to me was I was still getting asked because at this point I was like

29:36

in my second year of marriage or third year of marriage like when is the baby coming when is the baby coming and I

29:42

didn't and then I was also seeing people who got married around the same time as me becoming that for you how is it for

29:49

you to get those questions to see other people become parents or get pregnant how how what was happening for you

29:56

emotionally like how did you take care of your I wasn't um I was in a really dark place

30:01

and Mel was kind of really concerned for me because not only was I not getting the creative Outlet

30:07

workwise I was also not getting even the the the child you know the baby um we

30:14

were not and so I did it as like a kind of like um yeah like a a lifesaver for

30:23

myself and I I I so normally with standup comedian you do like you work on

30:29

your show bit by bit like you do like 10 minutes 15 minutes and then you keep working on that little bit and try it

30:36

out of different clubs and tighten it up and then you add it to another part and then you get your hour long so that's

30:42

how it usually works yeah and then then you tour with that and then you learn a

30:48

little bit more and then you're ready for the special and then you lock it in and it's for posterity but with my show

30:53

I could not do little 10 minute bits 10minute bits here so what I ended up doing was I was talking to my really

30:59

good friend the one who had actually produced that um uh improvised standup

31:04

show that I did about getting married just and um I talked to her about some

31:09

of the troubles that I was going to and I was like I I don't know but I'd love to just like do something with this if

31:17

um and she was like oh I want to support you in this and she's like my now producer on this project and I rented a

31:23

little blackbox theater near my house and I invited some of my closest friends and I just like literally just talked to

31:30

them about what I was going through really there were no jokes I kind of cried halfway through and they were

31:37

like they and this sounds so weird like this is a show but like later they did

31:43

say that mostly because they're like this is important we we really felt

31:49

privileged to be l in on what's Happening and I still get emotional thinking about it

31:56

because you know to to to sit there and to feel like you

32:01

can like just let it all out and know that you're a performer so like I'm I'm going to give

32:07

you I'm going to give you something like performative I mean I went to like

32:13

theater school so it's like it's not just me like venting on a couch like like here but it's going to feel a

32:19

little bit theatrical but it was really raw you know oh I bet I can it's already it's coming up now yeah yeah and then

32:27

was that healing for you to do that to have that response to you know what was

32:32

healing was um I'm always so surprised how emotional

32:39

I get about it I'm like are you a crier because you're an actress or are you a crier because you're always feeling

32:45

emotions but what was so the thing that healed me was not doing the show was the

32:52

Q&A or like the discussion afterwards oh tell me about that just hearing how much

32:59

support I had in the audience and Allison was there oh people also being because of my

33:08

vulnerability sharing their own vulnerability um the response and love that I got from

33:17

men that were in the audience too that it wasn't just like just a female story

33:23

it's a story about going for something that you really believe in and not working out

33:28

and that's something that's really Universal and just like the support to like just keep pursuing it and just the

33:36

belief in me as like a creative person to to to to be able to do it and so then

33:42

then the next time I did it at that same theater like maybe a month and a half

33:48

later I had a lot more jokes in it and it was funny and my my my my manager at

33:54

the time my like uh like like was in the audience and he's like he seemed excited

34:00

about it ironically he him and his wife were going through a fertility struggle and um so many people are yeah so many

34:08

people are and I I love what you said about that vulnerability invites vulnerability because once you start sharing your story you hear a lot of

34:15

stories back it's true it's true and then and then it just became then it was

34:21

like a tighter show but I was still doing the treatments as I was doing the show and that was really hard and that

34:27

was was why for the first the year that I was doing it uh um I did the first

34:34

show in 2022 and 2023 was um

34:39

where uh 2022 was a a lot of fertility treatments and so was uh uh 2023 but my

34:48

friend and producer was very cautious about how many shows I could do to take care of yourself yes so like how I was

34:55

telling you about the standup comedian who does like a bunch shows like maybe three or four shows a night to prepare for their special I could not do that

35:02

with this show like I would have to do it and then take breaks and um and so at

35:10

the end of this year I I met a different level now with where I am with the

35:15

fertility uh we had a writer strike and an actor strike and I'm a member of both unions that also took a real hit for me

35:22

oh my gosh as well and I just I I'm not going to I can't take it on think I'm

35:28

I'm not going to take out another loan I also feel like age wise it feels like a little insane at this point and so I

35:35

thought I was like at the acceptance stage that my journey as a mother would

35:42

look differently than me being able to con conceive naturally or through IVF do

35:48

you mind me asking how many rounds you guys did yeah I did seven rounds in four

35:54

years wow yeah that's a lot yeah you know women are such Warriors oh

36:03

my gosh and our capacity is expansive and and when you do want something you

36:08

will do your best to try and I was at an event where they were talking about fertility and you know embryo transfers

36:15

and all these things and it was really powerful because a woman stood up and said well what do you say to the woman that did all the things and it didn't

36:21

work and we never really hear them because it's like it seems like such a sad story like uh so so sad but like I

36:30

know and I'm crying so it's like do you really want to be to haly um maybe not that's why seemed great so that's

36:37

why I'm also doing the show because it's like I'm a Buddhist and the the theme of the show is turning poison into medicine

36:45

and like the fact that I have been able to travel with the show I started to

36:50

reconnect with like friends from like undergrad at NYU that came to see me in New York do the show and like now I'm

36:57

like back in communication with them I'm people that in the industry were you

37:03

know it's about like connections and networking this has been an effortless way for me to like reinvigorate those

37:10

connections and people gosh and the conversations you're conversations God like it's really actually and it's been

37:16

quite healing and you know what tell me nobody asked me when I'm going to have a baby cuz they know this show is out

37:23

there it was like the big benefit I was like oh I get it we don't have to ask her we understand what's going on so

37:31

yeah so those those like weird awkward conversations about what are you trying has completely stopped so I was really

37:39

uh very happily pleased and you know what else it was helpful with the show

37:45

because I talk about some of the awkward things that people have said it has now made them and I've done it too like I've

37:51

seen somebody get married I'm like oh you're gonna have a baby you're gonna have another one like I've done that like I can talk about it because I've

37:56

been that person is that people now they're like since I've watched your show I'm I don't do that anymore like

38:05

I'm I'm more aware of like like that I'm you know putting in my own like like I'm

38:12

just making up conversation because I'm thinking this is what I'm supposed to do yeah I think there's more because

38:17

there's more conversation and vulnerability and openness there's like we're we're teaching people sensitivity

38:24

sensitivity yeah and thoughtfulness and yeah because I think those questions can fly around quite easily and you don't

38:30

know what's going to trigger someone like so Rob and I are not married and those questions have stopped also but we

38:36

got that all the time and like I know we're not married I don't know why we're not you know it's just like it's there's

38:42

a new I think more conversation creates more sensitivity yes it's true and I and

38:48

um and also the other beautiful benefit of it is like the show has um several

38:56

friends of mine thank thanks to the show Alison I gu also have gone ahead and

39:01

Frozen their eggs or taken some efforts to to do this or got gleaned what um

39:08

I've been saying and used that for their own fertility so I feel like in some way I am a mother because some of them

39:14

became mothers and so you're paying it you're paying totally paying it for it and I I have to imagine like you're

39:21

touching so many people in so many ways that you don't even realize like even if people are not at a stage to share with

39:27

story just hearing your story is helpful and and gives them something that maybe is like hopeful or reassuring or just

39:33

relatable or normalizing it's like I just think it's so fantastic that you are doing this and I saw one a little

39:39

clip you had sent it was like the relax piece and I just dying laughing because there's so much just relax just relax

39:45

don't stress it's like this is the most stressful thing we will go through and normalizing that and making it funny is

39:51

a really great unique way to do that thank you thank you I've been it's been

39:56

an interesting way to try to advertise the show because I know it can be trick

40:02

like we were just talking about me listening to some of your episodes and feeling like I didn't want to go listen

40:08

to that and I do sometimes get that from some people like I've gone through it I don't know if I can like sit through a

40:13

show to do that and I'm not saying the show is just all um laugh a minute but I

40:20

do and the whole journey of this doing the show also has been like how do I end

40:27

the show each time I did the show I had a new ending like cuz I I wasn't sure how to end the show like is it ending

40:34

like because this one woman I remember asking she was like does it end does it have a happy ending and for her the

40:41

happy ending is like at the end I like like show my pregnancy test or my sonogram and I'm like there it is you

40:48

know and so it was really interesting and I and that's been also

40:54

the cool part of watching this is like seeing that each time this iteration and I feel like now I have an ending that

41:01

feels really honest real and like that can

41:07

work like that that makes the most sense because I think at the beginning of the

41:13

show because I felt like the show was going to help me get pregnant because I was going to get all of my angst out and

41:21

and you don't want to have any toxicity in your body you want to have your eggs feel good and vibrant and chill and

41:27

relax so this is performing is my my my happy place so this is going to help all

41:33

my eggs and so that I remember my first show being like that like this is going

41:39

to solve everything and then it felt weird and not and it was also very hard

41:46

to have that be the ending when you were getting non not the the things that we

41:53

wanted but I was also like what I'm doing is something that people need to understand how to

42:00

navigate things not working out the way they want but I've had so many great benefits from the show too so how do we

42:05

do an ending that acknowledges like like yes it didn't maybe work out this way

42:11

but look at all this other stuff yeah and I think it's like rewriting The Narrative again like we said earlier the Milestone of marriage being the success

42:18

I think it's rewriting The Narrative that like the Happy Ending doesn't have to be the baby there can be so many

42:24

other happy endings to this and I think we're just sort of programmed in this way to know one way is happy one way is

42:30

success and we have to be more expansive than that we have to so open our perspective to like you know it can look

42:37

many different ways and I could be happy with many different ways and I think that's why things can be so

42:42

disappointing when we're attached to this idea that one way is right one way is happy one way is successful and if

42:49

that's the model and our journey doesn't look like that then how do we feel right right and and I think that's what's so

42:55

important is like we need to talk about other outcomes yeah and normalize other outcomes and share other outcomes so so

43:02

what is the ending of the show now well I I'm not gonna Shell's coming so I

43:07

can't give it to you and I I'm literally doing this so you can come and see it at some point I know you're making me feel

43:14

even worse than I see it I'll wait I will wait well we now have to have it be

43:19

like a a very popular uh thing that's on in everyone's television set so that you

43:24

everyone will see it but um yes yes yes no um I I yeah I'm I'm excited to see

43:30

what Shel thinks about this ending I think this is going to be the ending but who knows like I might well don't share

43:35

it so I'm not going to share but it might whenever I go to a new city somehow it informs me and the ending has

43:42

like changed but I feel like this is it but um also can I admit something to you

43:47

absolutely I'm like do you want to talk like yeah

43:52

um I realized too like I don't I really love children and I love like I could

44:00

totally see me and Mel being fantastic parents but I also there I had to

44:07

acknowledge for myself that I still am very committed to my career and I don't

44:12

know if and I'm around because by virtue of my Friendship Circle where a lot of

44:18

my friends were getting pregnant weirdly in the same age range as me and I was like at first it was triggering but then

44:25

it was also very helpful because I could in real time it looks like and I was

44:30

like wow I really love sleeping in late I really that wouldn't happen that would Happ I and I you know the the the mommy

44:38

shaming with the breastfeeding and and I'm not saying like being a mother is not worth it but I was like for

44:46

me is is that is that really de Haley's like dream to carry and give birth and

44:55

and if it happened I would would 100% welcome it but I I don't know if I am

45:01

actually necessarily missing that component and if I can have motherhood in a different way where I am an

45:09

adoptive mom or I do feel like I will still feel that connection and I don't

45:15

necessarily have to um Carry or conceive it I I don't

45:21

know sometimes I say this and then the next day I'm like oh man look at that lady but I think that's complet I think

45:27

completely normal and just to again create space hold space for all of it right and not judging like well this day

45:32

I thought that and this day I think that and what's the right feeling it's like no it's all relative it's all real it's

45:38

all honest and just giving oursel permission to hold space for all of that is just it's so so important and I think

45:45

those questions of like what do we actually want is so important instead of what we're told to want or what we're

45:51

told the picture should look like and again if that's the picture that is right and it doesn't look that way it's

45:56

it's like we feel all these ways about ourselves and I so I think it's really admirable to like pause and say what's

46:02

right for me what's right for my life what is important to me what is important for me and my family what do I want my family to look like based on you

46:09

totally based on you yeah no I really appreciate you saying that I mean I know you're a therapist as

46:17

well but I was like thank you I do need permission I need to whole Space yes I

46:22

need to yeah it's not a cookie cutter thing I I have this joke joke in my show

46:27

about like um uh we want Rocky if we want Rocky

46:33

Road ice cream don't you know suggest that we get cookie dough you know we may

46:38

go from shop to shop to shop until we get our rucky road and sometimes people want you to just get cookie dough

46:44

because they're like that's easier it's right here just get that cookie dough and it's like this is what it is for me

46:49

um um so I yeah and this is like what I want um like Taylor make it have a spoke

46:57

child for myself that that that matches like our sensibilities and what we need

47:03

yeah yeah I know might this is probably what not one answer for this but what feels really important for you to convey

47:09

through the show what feels really important for you to have people know and understand where do you think the

47:15

conversation is lacking where do you think that we need to fill that Gap and void

47:21

so three things I love to number stuff okay I talk at the start of my show

47:27

about how my biggest dream is to have a comedy special scene by millions like that has always been my biggest dream

47:32

before motherhood and everything so the fact is I'm still pursuing that and that means you should continue to pursue your

47:39

dream whatever that is um the other thing is I did learn a lot of St a lot

47:46

from this process and I do feel like um being vulnerable is such a very helpful

47:53

way um breaking down down shame barriers but we also talked about before the podcast

48:00

that I even though I am being so raw and vulnerable in the show and sharing a lot

48:07

I like I like having this be a theatrical experience because you are deciding to go in on this journey with

48:14

me by buying a ticket sitting in the seat and we are having a life tolife connection of that which and I'm not

48:22

judging anyone else who decides to do these Vlogs on Tik Tok or YouTube but I

48:27

found those things to be very hard for me and a little bit harmful because it was a

48:32

judgmental format where you're only being engaged in a comment where I was

48:39

not getting a a face Toof face and I talked about Buddhism earlier but I do

48:45

think that that is where we are going in terms of the world is to have more life tolife connection more dialogue even

48:52

though we have all these screens and things that keep us connected we as human being beings and as living

48:58

creatures need to have connection that are from that whether it be a flower

49:04

that's a living thing or like being out in nature like we need to that to be restorative and that's why the show has

49:11

been so important for me to have in this way and that's why it's been important for me to tour it as much as I can

49:17

now um but I also know it's a show that I cannot tour for years and years and years it has to be preserved because it

49:26

is a hard show for me to do that that that that for accessibility reasons I

49:32

would like it to be done as a special so that people can access it when they want toen and yeah exactly for maybe that I

49:39

love that because for maybe the person that couldn't watch it now maybe a year from now yes exactly right and and I can

49:46

also move on from that and not have this be my whole life touring the show for 10

49:52

years like you know Seline Dion has to sing the heart my heart will go on at every concert and now but I can now do

49:59

another thing like Beyonce you know has to do her stuff every concert but now as

50:05

a performer I can like try out something else and I don't have to be be in this

50:10

yeah I I think that's a really important Point too because I think you know when you're in this journey and I've been in this journey too it's it's can become

50:16

such the focal point of your life and brand you as this yes and it's just kind

50:22

of maintaining some sense of self outside of this is so it's so important yeah and so yeah so

50:30

it's working on two things it's like I think it's an educational um uh piece um

50:37

I think I'm also really shedding light to black women's experiences in America particularly and ways what people

50:43

haven't talked about even I also talk about like when we do get pregnant we have the highest mortality rates um

50:49

because you know our pain isn't believe I was just going to say that right when you were talking earlier about under meosis and fibroids like some doctors

50:56

are not taking those things seriously or just assuming maybe it's FR boids when it's and so yeah just shedding light on

51:02

those important conversations yeah and and another thing is too like I had a friend be like oh you need should talk

51:08

about this or this and this I'm not here to give the full um uh breath and scope

51:15

of a medical book on what every woman I'm going I'm purely doing it from my

51:20

perspective you had a a black woman on earlier who was talking about how she was not getting many eggs in her

51:26

retrieval and that was the one I was like I'm going to tap out um and then I was also listen to one where you were

51:31

speaking to like a an Orthodox Jewish woman and and she had a very different

51:37

experience with how many and she was much younger she was like in her 20s or something so it was just like I'm

51:43

realizing like everyone has a very different experience and just because you may get a bunch of eggs in a

51:49

retrieval that doesn't always mean that they turn into so I'm I'm not interested in trying to be the catchall for every

51:56

experience in in anyone's life but just present mine and allow you to see that

52:03

yours is unique and and yours is valid to to have too a th% I just think also

52:11

the vulnerability of having a conversation period yeah is so huge and important so they yeah I want to

52:17

normalize it yeah let's normalize this I mean really yeah and the vulnerability

52:22

and willingness to just say hey here's my experience let's like shed some more light on this stuff this is why I'm doing this podcast too it's just I think

52:28

it's so wonderful I think it's so wonderful and thank you so much it is going to be watched by millions I feel

52:34

it I yeah I do I do it's so important it's so I just think it's it's amazing

52:39

and incredible that you're you're out there and you're doing it and you're sharing your story I think it's just

52:44

it's going to be so it's probably already been so helpful it's going to be so helpful I feel so grateful to be able to be on this couch with youo and have

52:51

have this conversation so thank you so much for being here and I am going to get to your show at some point I will find a we will figure it out great I I

52:59

thank you Allison for bringing us together and and thank you I I'm I'm I'm glad you're doing this and I know women

53:06

have been here since the start of the like but yet our our the issues and the

53:11

things that we've been going through have been like in in the shadows and it's time to bring it to light SW under the rug yes we're bringing them to

53:19

light thank you so much for being here thank you if you like the episodes that you're hearing and you want to hear more

53:25

please subscribe to our Channel and stay tuned for more incredible stories and tools when I froze my eggs at 37 I felt

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