Expectations vs. Reality of Your 30’s

I think for me I had this big focus on kind of checking boxes of I live where I

0:06

want to live so that box is checked uh having the husband by a certain age that

0:12

belief and for me really like career stability by a certain age or a certain salary or title or Prestige essentially

0:20

and for me my life does not look like what I thought it would at 34 and if you

0:25

would have told younger me that I wasn't yet married I think she would have and like what what did you do wrong like

0:32

where did you go [Music]

Harmful Narratives

0:43

wrong if you guys are like me and wanting to be more mindful about what's in your products how many toxins are in

Strategic Life Planning

0:50

your products and making sure that you're putting good things on your skin and into your body I highly recommend

Curiosity About Fertility

0:56

oia I did a total revamp on all my products and this is one I have been using and now is a staple in my bathroom

1:02

I particularly love their ocean eyes aged defining serum I feel like I don't

1:08

have bags under my eyes anymore and I just feel really good putting this on my skin knowing something good is going on

1:14

my skin and into my body so if you want to check out oia's products use our code

1:19

QTC P10 to get 10% off your first purchase

1:25

very excited to welcome our next guest Kayla I love I found you through Instagram and DM dm' you immediately

1:31

because I love all the content that you put out particularly speaking to 30-year-old women and this decade um as

1:37

a therapist and someone who has lived through my 30s I know it can be a wonderful amazing decade of

1:42

self-discovery of self-growth but there can come challenges with that in terms of like timelines and societal pressures

1:49

and expectations so I love what you put are putting out there and I'm curious

1:54

what made you to start motivated you to start posting this type of content it's

Societal Pressures in the 30s

1:59

so interesting I've been doing social media sharing in one way shape or form

2:05

for I don't know 13 or so years now and what I've talked about has changed

2:11

throughout the years and it's really always just a reflection of my own life and what it is I'm thinking a lot about

2:17

what it is my friends and I are talking about over dinner and I think I realized that there was this interesting part of

Social Media and Self-Discovery

2:24

your 30s that I felt people weren't really talking about with a certain sense of openness and we're all thinking

2:31

it or many of us are thinking it at least so why isn't anyone pointing it out and talking about it and for me I've

2:37

always Lov exploring content that lives in that space of finding those things

2:42

that we are all thinking about whether we're speaking them out or not so how

2:48

can I explore that further what were some of the things that you thought about hey no one's really we're all

2:54

feeling this thing but no one's really talking about these things were some of the do do certain things come to mind

2:59

when you say that my first thought is being in your 30s and for me I live in

3:05

New York City and suddenly there was just the mass exitus as I called it of that some of that is due to the pandemic

3:11

as well and the exact age I was at the beginning of the pandemic that a lot of my friends just left by the time we were

Comparison and Life Choices

3:19

32 and kind of looking around being like wait a minute and almost I joke that

3:24

like Sex in the City lied to me that I thought in our 30s we'd all still be here together and drinking

3:30

yeah boys yeah and that hasn't been the case and I still do have many friends

3:36

that are here and stayed but it was interesting when I just started to feel of oh a lot of them have already left

3:43

and here I am still here with no interest of leaving necessarily so I think that was like a really interesting

3:50

moment of having that realization did you feel like when everyone was some people were leaving

3:56

and you were staying were you like really grounded in staying or were you starting to think like oh cuz I know

4:02

that this through my work with clients especially particularly during Co people were making a lot of big moves a lot of big decisions a lot of life-changing

4:09

decisions and I had clients that chose to stay in the city and they felt like I'm stuck I'm not doing anything I'm not

4:14

making big changes and there was a lot of angst about that and and questioning

4:20

about what am I doing something wrong I'm watching everybody else do these things did you feel any of that I didn't

4:26

in the sense of where I was living at the very least I am a city girl through and through I grew up in the suburbs of

4:33

New York City and wanted to get out as fast as I could I don't have any

4:39

interest in going back there is my personal truth so for me I always have

4:44

felt really grounded in New York City is where I'm supposed to be where I felt that more was career-wise and

Grounded in NYC

4:51

relationship wise at the time that it felt in many ways like all my friends in

4:56

relationships and who were stable in their jobs were moving forward and I was just kind of stuck I lost my job in 2020

5:04

I was nearly out of a relationship at that point and it kind of felt like wait everyone else is moving forward moving

5:10

forward moving forward but my life was really on pause for a good year and a half because of everything that had

5:17

happened yeah I know and I think it can be hard as grounded as we can be to to

5:23

not get into comparison mode to not especially in this this decade and tell me what you think too because I feel

5:29

like we talk a lot about here like blueprints and timelines and for for a good amount of years everyone seems to

5:35

be on the same blueprint and timeline because you know depending how we're raised we you know high school college

5:41

first job out of college and then everybody starts to kind of deviate on different timelines and paths and I think that can be really hard and it

5:49

creates this comparison that didn't exist before because you're kind of all in the same boat for really L like a

Navigating Comparison

5:54

good amount of our years maybe up until 22 23 24 25 do do you see that too where

6:00

you get to these ages and these paths start to diverge and then comparison comes comes in very much so I'm thinking

6:07

of one of my friend groups um my group of friends from Sleepaway Camp that I'm

6:12

still really close with we're all the same age within like four months of each other same age and really had that

6:19

feeling of we all got B Mitzvah together we all like were experiencing our first kisses around the same time and things

6:26

like that graduated high school all went to college at the same time we're like

6:31

uh really figuring out our like early careers at the same time and then me at

6:36

now 34 being like Oh I'm the only one that's not married in this group I am

6:41

the one who stayed in the city and they all moved to the suburbs or out west and

6:47

it's interesting because I don't think it's comparison in the sense of I don't necessarily want what they have in many

6:53

ways that for me I love so much of my life so it's not that I feel jealous in

6:59

that way but it's more that kind of going back to the sex and City feeling of like wait we're supposed to be doing

7:04

this all together where' you go like why are you not here with me to get branch on Sunday and catch up yeah yeah it's

7:11

okay so I want to do something different than I've done before which is I pulled some things that you posted from social media because I I I and tell me if you

7:18

don't want to do I just want you to speak to some of the things that you posted because I think the messages are so strong so relatable and I think

7:25

through asking you to elabor in those I'll learn more and the audience will learn more about you so I'm going to go

7:30

ahead and start reading some of the things that I pulled that you posted and the first one is this idea of shutting

7:36

another layer of who I thought I had to be and I got closer to who I I was

7:42

actually meant to be so can you speak to that of who you thought you had to be

7:47

and shedding these layers to get closer to who you who you authentically are for

7:53

me that was all about this feeling that I I feel with every passing year of my

7:59

life I become more and more me which is a weird thing to say cuz obviously I've always been me who else could I be but

8:06

when I think of myself now at age 34 compared to 33 32 my early 20s and I

8:12

think of almost all these layers that I put on upon myself of who I had to be

Shedding Layers of Identity

8:18

how I had to present myself what I had to do for my career how I had to lead a

8:25

life what a Saturday night had to look like in my life I think with each P pass ing year I really picture it as like you

8:32

shut a lighter you shut a lighter you shed a later and you're just getting closer and closer to like the core of like this is your purest version of you

8:39

I don't know it's my kind of like I love that slightly woo woo way of thinking of it but I truly feel that every year it's

8:44

you shed like more and more of kind of what Society put on you and

8:50

what the pressures put on you and what your whether it's your upbringing or a

8:56

mean girl in Middle School put on you and it's it's getting closer and closer to feeling like you are your most you

9:03

and not doing things because you think you should be doing them yeah and you kind of answered this question before I

9:08

was able to ask it which is what was informing the I had to be X Y or Z and I

9:13

and you know if you want to elaborate more on that there but it there is these societal expectations or these pressures

9:19

that um inform these ways of like I have to do this or I should do this on a Saturday night in in my work as a

9:26

therapist all my clients know and if they're listening they're probably laugh because I hate the word should it is

9:32

implies so much pressure I don't think it's like aligned authentically with what we really want um is there anything

9:38

other than you already mentioned that sort of informed the I had to or my life had to look this certain way social

9:44

media is definitely part of that since we're seeing people play out their lives in real time in a way that was never a

9:52

thing before and seeing everyone else is having fun and I'm not I think that

9:58

aspect of it or this is what they're doing why am I not doing that or should I be doing that and for me often times

10:04

it's then remembering I don't really want to do that I see people going to

Social Media's Influence

10:10

like it's going to be uh a big Festival this weekend here in New York City and I know in my heart I have no desire to be

10:16

there it's just not my vibe at all and yet I know I'm going to look at those videos and have like a sense of fomo

10:22

even though I know that is not like a thing that makes me happy being in that kind of environment so I think social

10:28

media really lets us see everyone's happiest moments and compare it to our

10:34

loneliest or most down moments and think that why am I not doing that as well

10:39

yeah and I think it can be really hard when you're not grounded in the I want to or what do I enjoy and even even when

10:45

you do know there's still this moment of like oh that looks really really fun and I think I'm curious my next question to

10:51

this part is how did you shed some of those layers how did you get closer to this sort of more I want to or this is

10:58

who I am what is there some work you've done or what helped you like shed those layers and get more clear for yourself

11:05

I've always been really into self reflection and kind of self-exploration as far as journaling at the end of every

11:12

year I do a big journaling challenge to reflect on the previous year and then think about what we want for the next

11:18

year and I'm really big on that as a checkpoint and throughout the year having those little checkpoints for me

11:24

I'm someone who definitely processes through writing so if I'm trying to figure whatever is out I need to get pen

Self-Reflection Practices

11:30

to paper and just get it out on the page therapy has definitely been helpful for

11:35

me as far as having that tool and learning additional tools to figure out what it is I want versus what it is I

11:43

think I should have and I think really just like having that frame of mind of if I look at someone and feel that Pang

11:50

of jealousy stopping myself and saying I remember at had a business coach who like we were talking about someone who

11:57

had this amazing career that I really am and it was like why are you not why are you not doing that and then I realized

12:03

like oh I don't like creating content in the way that that person was that actually doesn't resonate with me and it

12:08

was kind of this feeling of like okay why are you why are you not doing that

12:15

I'm TR think of like the better wording of it but that moment of pausing and being like okay do I actually really

12:20

want this and checking myself when I start going into that Loop spiral tendency of we all have yes yes yeah we

12:28

had a guest on yesterday we were talking about the value of slowing down in space in order to check yourself or

12:35

self-reflect because if we're not doing that we're like so distracted we're not

12:40

connected to oursel and it's really that's I feel like from those moments we're like more susceptible to to the

12:45

comparison or the Envy or feeling like we're not doing enough or I should do more I should have this or I should have

12:51

that 100% when I taught yoga one of my favorite like themes to do was that like

12:57

intuition theme of checking in with yourself throughout class why am I doing this variation is it what I want to be

13:03

doing is it what that person over there is doing do I really want to do the like 10 times less version of this and I

13:10

think developing that sense of intuition that gut feeling and just continuing to strengthen it is so important not just

Importance of Intuition

13:17

in that yoga the mic not just in that yoga setting but also just in life that

13:24

how do we work that muscle and connect with it no I I I love yoga and I was

13:29

just having this conversation God it's blanking me with who but oh it was a comparison thing oh I think we were in

13:35

Miami for your birth for shelle's birthday I'm trying to remember where we had this conversation it doesn't matter anyways talking about are you on the mat

13:43

and looking at everybody else and what everyone else is doing are you in tune with what you're doing and and that's a

13:48

good like check of like am I the one that looks around to see what everybody else is doing or am I doing my own thing and I love what you said about

13:55

the intuitive practice because you can kind of Do Your Own Thing in therapy I mean in yoga even if you can do your own

14:01

thing in therapy too um even if the instructor is they're guiding you but

14:06

you can still choose to do the own thing and you don't have to follow the flow completely I love that analogy so much

14:14

okay so we're talking about yoga so let's just I'll get to the rest of the prompts but let's talk about your career Journey because you've done a lot of

14:20

different things I have yes can you share with us sort of your career Journey yes so I backtracking Way Way

14:28

Back I was a theater major in college that was my dream for the first 22 years

14:34

of my life I wanted to be a Broadway actress oh cool and while I was in college I started my blog which became

14:42

my social media presence and I also got really interested in Fitness so when I graduated my goal was to be a fitness

Career Journey Overview

14:48

instructor on the side while I also auditioned but by the time I was time to graduate I was just so burnt out on

14:55

theater and the experience of theater School school is really toxic in my

15:02

experience and just really beats you down and I just felt like by the time I

15:07

got out I had no real interest in exploring it anymore I was also really struggling to get my start as a fitness

15:13

instructor I was 22 I was certified but no one wanted to hire me in New York

15:18

City and it's kind of that vicious cycle of you need experience to get experience but to get experience um eventually I

15:26

ended up getting scouted by class pass which at that time was called class tivity and they reached knew had a

15:34

different name before different name um at the time I was hired they were class tivity and they reached out to me saying

15:41

hey we love your social media presence we have an open role do you want to come join the team and I started out there

15:47

part-time and eventually went into full-time work there and it was my first 9 to-5 job I did marketing and Social

15:55

Media stuff there and it was kind of my first intro into startup and 9 to5 life

16:00

um I continued to do that for about four or so years I had eventually lost my job

16:07

at a fitness fashion startup and was kind of at this weird Crossroads of okay what do I do next I kind of felt like I

16:14

had this moment to pause and figure out what are my next steps so I decided to

16:19

do yoga teacher training which is something I had always thought in the back of my mind but there had never been

16:25

a good time because it is a big time commitment and I also applied to grad school for a masters in social media

16:30

marketing at the same time so I did my four-week yoga teacher training and got into grad school literally on the last

16:36

day of yoga te as the timing would have it and throughout my grad school I

16:42

started building up my career as a yoga teacher and started a wellness event company with one of my good friends and

16:49

gave myself the experience to teach eventually got hired at cor Power Yoga and y7 here in the city and it kind of

16:57

felt like my Fitness career that I dream of when I was 22 was finally taking off at age 28 and I became a certified bar

17:04

instructor as well at Bar Method and made it my goal to teach full-time and

17:10

leading up to the pandemic I was teaching 16 classes a week oh my god um not a lot of money in New York City um

17:18

fun fact uh that is the bare minimum you would need to survive here a lot that

17:23

sounds like a lot it's a rough industry in that way um pandemic happens Studios

17:29

shut down I'm left unemployed for a year and a half and then when Studios

17:35

reopened it just wasn't the same I was exhausted I was teaching maybe less than

17:41

10 classes a week and it just felt like so much energy I was making less money the studios had changed the pay

17:47

structures so even if I was teaching the 16 classes I would have been making even less money than before and that's on top

17:54

of not having health insurance PTO any of those kind of aspects so so after a

17:59

while I decided it was time I just couldn't do it anymore so I made the

18:05

switch back to what I call 9 to-5 life and went back to my experience in social media I did have the master's degree in

18:12

it and the previous experience at startups and now I am the social media manager at bookshop.org for the last two

18:19

years and how is it okay so many questions on that um what I think is incredible and remarkable that you made

18:25

so many changes in Transitions and I'm curious how that was for you and what you learned about yourself and what you

18:32

wanted and what worked well for you navigating all those different career changes some of them have been really

18:39

challenging for me emotionally I think admitting to myself that I no longer wanted to be an actor was really

18:45

emotional cuz it felt like I was leaving behind everything I knew and everything

18:50

I'd been so focused on and so dead set on for my entire life so that was a

18:56

really emotional thing to Adit to myself same with leaving Fitness that I was

Emotional Challenges in Career Transitions

19:02

really emotional about it and I felt kind of like I was a failure even though I knew I wasn't and the thing I had to

19:08

keep reminding myself was I wasn't a failure the industry failed me essentially and I had to keep coming

19:15

back to that oh my God but every single I'd met with like a career coach from my

19:20

um from my undergrad that they still let you like get free coaching or whatever and I just cried on every session like

19:26

that was just like how I was just so emot about leaving Fitness and cuz I

19:31

didn't necessarily want to but I also knew it was the right choice something I've really done and shifted and had a

19:37

recent realization is the way I've looked at my career some people would look at how I've gone about it as a

19:44

negative as career hopping and this and that and for me I really just look at it as these phases and following that next

19:51

thing and pivoting and for me all of them have been connected even if they

19:57

might not totally sound like it on page but for me they all feel very me and tap

20:02

into different parts of who I am and what I'm really great at so I've really

20:07

just started to look at my career as different phases and the fitness chapter

20:13

of it closed at that time and I shift it into the 9 to-5 chapter who knows if this will be a long chapter a short

20:19

chapter a forever chapter or what and just looking at it as that way has the

20:25

beauty of it is like you don't know and if you can kind of we talk a lot about UNC unknowns and if you can embrace the

Phases of Career Development

20:30

the unknowns I think it's really could be an exciting thing to think about cool well what would be next or maybe this is

20:36

it or how will this evolve I think it's really hard to well a couple things I think and we talk a lot about societal

20:42

expectations we don't live in a time where you know my parents generation you stayed at one job forever it was the one

20:48

job for 20 30 years whatever you retire and then there was this progression to you stay at a job for five years or

20:54

definitely don't leave before a year and we're just evolving past that and I think it's normalizing these transitions

21:00

these phases that yeah why not keep changing and trying and doing different things and aligning with what works for

21:07

you and I think so often and i' I can think of a client specifically where even if we have a dream for something

21:12

and then we do go do that that thing and we realize we've evolved or the dream changes there like there's almost

21:18

sometimes this guilt or this like Judgment of ourselves of like but this was the dream I should like this

Evolving Past Norms

21:24

why don't I like this and moving through that to say okay well what else would I like you know and it's I think getting

21:31

stuck in narratives can create a lot of turmoil but shifting or having different mindsets can really be helpful yeah okay

21:39

amazing I want to go to our next thing because nice long tangent no I love it

21:45

this I knew this would happen this is why I wanted to do this okay the second thing was my life does not look like I

21:50

thought it would and is that specific to by this

21:56

age yes it's definitely this age it's funny when I think about that

22:02

the whole idea was I've said versions of that of like my life doesn't look like I thought it would at age whatever age I

22:08

was when I made that post um and focusing more on what life feels like

Life Expectations at 34

22:14

cuz I think for me I had this big focus on kind of checking boxes of I live

22:21

where I want to live so that box is checked uh having the husband by a certain age that belief and for me

22:27

really like career ility by a certain age or a certain salary or title or

22:33

Prestige essentially and for me my life does not look like what I thought it

22:38

would at 34 and if you would have told younger me that I wasn't yet married I

22:43

think she would have been like what what did you do wrong like where did you go wrong and but when I actually like stop

22:50

and think about what my life feels like to me I'm like there's no version of my life where I should have gotten married

22:57

earlier given the way my life played out and there's so much about my life I do

23:04

love so why am I comparing these things that are checkboxes to how I actually feel living my life I love that shift of

23:10

how does it feel because it can get really hard like we talk about checking the boxes all the time and there's boxes

23:16

that been curated and and and you know put out there that we're supposed to be checking it's like well who made those

23:23

boxes and are those boxes I even want to be checking and again being really thoughtful about if it allow

23:29

and I love I love that you how many shifts you've been able to make and you offer a lot of that on your your

Shifting Focus on Life's Feelings

23:35

Instagram like life is not over everything is great I think this one aligns a little

23:41

bit with what you just said but don't be so focused on what comes next that you forget to enjoy where you currently are

23:46

and I love this one so much because I felt susceptible to that in my 30s because I I met my partner at 34 I froze

23:54

mags at 37 I had my son at 40 and I felt like I'm behind I haven't checked these

24:00

boxes everybody around me is like checking these boxes 10 times over um and I became so focused on those boxes

Enjoying the Present

24:07

that I was overlooking how awesome my life was and there it was like an e and flow there were times where I was really

24:13

grateful and grounded in what I was able to do as someone not partnered up yet or someone not with a child and then there

24:19

would be those little moments of like I don't have that thing yet and it really wasn't until I was like oh my God I have

24:24

all these amazing things that those things then came into my to my life so I'd love for you to speak to what that

24:30

means to you in terms of staying focused on what we have or S we what we don't I

24:36

am not a very patient person oh girl me neither I ne want it now I want it

24:41

yesterday really I have that New Yorker mentality of I want to move fast and I want it to happen immediately and

24:48

because of that I can definitely get frustrated when things are taking a long time and I know I've had that feeling in

24:53

the last year or so of with my social media presence of feeling like well I

25:00

want to hit like the next uh goal the next thing the next thing and then not even taking a moment to step back and be

Impatience and Career Goals

25:06

like wow I should be really proud of myself for what I've created for these experiences I've been able to have for

25:13

this multifaceted career I've built for myself for this life that I really love

25:19

living in a city that I absolutely love surrounded by so many interesting people

25:25

that I connect with and doing what I want to do on a random Friday or

25:30

Saturday and bopping around the city listening to a podcast or going to see a Broadway show so for me I think I

25:36

oftentimes get really caught up in okay what's next what's next that I really

25:41

just don't even pause to celebrate when the winds happen or just enjoy where I'm

25:47

at now I remember even growing up I was like so obsessed with college and I

25:53

wanted to be in college from like Middle School I was already like planning out my like I really wanted to get out of my

26:00

hometown that's that's that's coming through very clearly yeah and you got I got to college and then I was like okay

26:06

now we're like focused on the next thing and I didn't even get to enjoy some of the moments when they were happening

26:12

because I was just thinking about what comes next did you find yourself arriving and because this happened for

26:17

me like did you find yourself arriving at the what's next and then being like like I wish I was more grateful

26:24

sooner it's that whole what you what you have now is something you previously

26:30

wanted and yet we so quickly forget that that what we're living right now is a version of what we wanted before and

26:38

we're just so focused on getting to that next thing that we don't even appreciate that yeah do you practice any like

Reflecting on Past Goals

26:44

meditation or like what helps you stay like grounded or be able to reflect and

26:50

not you know and the reality is we're all humans we're going to get stuck in comparison we're going to get stuck in those moments of what's next but then we

26:56

have to have those tools to kind of bring us us back and ground us like what are your tools that you use you mentioned writing and putting it on

27:03

paper is there anything else that you do I think having that yoga background even though I wouldn't say I practice yoga

27:09

the way I used to that I'm not in a class doing ASA the physical practice of it having that background experience and

27:18

so many hours of being in a yoga classroom I think infuses into my life in that way of finding the little bits

27:25

and pieces uh I've definitely been exploring more breath work stuff um but don't have

27:30

a consistent practice necessarily for me it's definitely a lot of writing and a lot of like long walks thinking and

27:37

turning over ideas and getting to conclusions and figuring things out as I

27:44

go amazing yeah I think the pace has a lot to do with our ability to kind of like be really reflective okay my next

27:51

one is The Narrative of feeling behind can you speak to that and are

27:57

there moments where you've it sounds like now at 34 you're in a very good

28:02

place you're in a very grateful place you're in a very um happy place like

28:08

where you are were there moments where you felt behind in relationship in career very much so when I think of how

28:15

I felt on my 30th birthday I felt I had hit a bit of Rock Bottom as far as I was

28:21

unemployed I was newly out of an 8-year relationship I was living alone in New York City during a pandemic and and it

28:28

just felt like I was I was at one I was at like square one again and it was just

28:35

like how am I turning 30 and all of these things that I've been not working

Feeling Behind at 30

28:40

on but like had been building in my life are now gone and I'm starting at zero

28:47

essentially so I think for me that felt like a real starting over experience and

28:52

not something that I necessarily planned or any of us planned for so for me it was really that especially when I felt

28:59

like everyone around me was moving forward and I was just kind of stuck at where I was for the time being yeah I

29:06

think it's it's it is really hard because again these constructs that tell us what we're supposed to have by

29:12

certain times and if we don't have them by certain times it creates a lot of anxiety with us until we're able to say

29:18

well do I even want those or why do I have to have it by this certain time or like we're saying like look at what you do have by this certain age and I think

29:25

it does takes a lot of intentionality to remind ourselves I think it is really easy to get caught up in in all of the

29:32

you know this is what I should be doing and this is by when I should be doing it so I think it's so amazing again that

29:37

you're putting out this content that sends different messages creates different narratives and I'm just

29:43

curious what the feedback has been from other 30y olds to like see your content

29:48

and feel grateful to have found a place that normalizes different things it's

29:54

been very positive overall as far as people people feeling seen and what I'm

Challenging Societal Constructs

30:00

sharing is really resonating with them which is to me the reason I started creating content in the first place was

30:07

if I can help one person feel less alone with whatever they're going through then like I feel really happy with the

30:13

content that I'm creating and it's been clear with the response and even that

Positive Feedback from Content

30:18

for me from like a social media strategy perspective that I experienced the

30:24

extreme growth of my account once I started sharing that kind of content with which tells me that I'm definitely

30:29

not alone in feeling this and that this is such a message that people are craving and need to hear so in that way

30:38

it's validating I feel that's a we word with a weird connotation absolutely

30:44

there's definitely a need for it has become clear to me yeah absolutely before creating this podcast I was

30:50

hearing all those conversations it was sort of what I lived through my decade as a 30-year-old and then in my work as

30:56

a therapist I was hearing so so many different narratives from women of like you know everything we're talking about comparison running out of time I don't

31:03

want to waste any time I'm feeling behind and like oh my God like every woman and obviously it's very confidential but I'm like every woman is

31:09

coming in here and saying the same thing I like we have to do something about this so you're certainly there's certainly a need for Content like that

31:16

and women to hear different messaging of like it's cool that you're 30 and single and doing your thing or it's cool that

31:22

you're 34 and traveling the world is beautiful and I look back I think one thing that happens to did for me is like

31:28

we get so focused on the outcome mhm and when I got the things that I was like the boxes I did want to check you know

31:35

the partner and then the baby and I look back at my 30s I'm like oh makes sense that I this timing all makes sense now

31:41

because I look at what I got to do in my 30s it's still it's not impossible to do now it's a little harder when you have

31:48

like other responsibilities but I feel so grateful for having that time and I think continuing to to spread this

31:54

message of like there's so much opportunity here there's so much we get to do for sure when you said that I had

32:01

a recent realization that I'm grateful I didn't get married in my 20s and that's saying I was with someone who I love a

32:09

lot we're actually back together now so I certainly don't have anything bad to say about him he's a great guy but we

32:14

had stuff to figure out and wait hold on is this the 8-year relationship yes wait a second wa really okay together

32:23

amazing I know cuz you know we did some social media stalking prepping for this but um and tell me if I have this wrong

32:31

but from what I saw it was you were a little nervous to kind of announce the relationship because you are putting out

32:37

this content of being single in the city and navigating your 30s and so you did share kind of like this really amazing

Navigating Relationship Changes

32:43

thing is happening in my life yes but I I you know a little hesitant to share can you talk I think that's so

32:49

incredible by the way oh my God can you share more about that I think that's so amazing yeah um answering the first fit

32:56

of with the hesitancy I think for me it was the sphere of I've built this whole

33:02

brand around being single in your 30s and really loving your life and do

33:09

people feel like they're losing that part of it by me being in a relationship

33:14

and it was this really weird feeling inside of like my social media presence versus my real life and I wasn't ready

33:21

to hard launch him yet and it was something we had discussed as far as um wanting to figure our stuff out on our

33:28

own before we went very public with it our friends were aware of what was happening but I didn't want to like

33:33

blast it on social media for all the world to see it and I was definitely wor

33:38

I like had this image of like the second I said boyfriend I would just lose all my followers which is a weird thing and

33:45

I had a complicated feeling around it of like am I going to keep my life one way in order to like

33:52

keep my following and that doesn't obviously that doesn't make sense when I say it out loud it's

33:58

um so yeah it was it was scary in that way I didn't lose all my following there

34:04

was like I definitely lost some followers on that day but I've since bounced back significantly and it hasn't

34:11

significantly changed anything I I think it's and I wanted to talk about this too in relation to friendships I think it

34:16

can be a really hard thing to navigate when you're wanting the things that you

34:23

do want and let's say sometimes they're check boxes but sometimes we authentically want like the partnership and then we see it happen for someone

34:29

else I'll be straight up honest like literally before this podcast recording I saw someone else pregnant with their second baby and I just like thank God

34:36

Shel is here to bring me back up but you see those things and you're obviously happy for those people but then you're

34:41

also you feel really sad so I say that to say it's not a reflection of you it's just their own discomfort or sadness

34:48

with what they don't have yet or what they want to follow on social media they if they want to follow someone that they

Balancing Emotions in Relationships

34:53

felt similar to them like I totally get that I feel the same way of there's a that I've unfollowed when their life no

35:00

longer feels aligned with my life in some way shape or form so I do understand it we all I think we all do a

35:05

version of it yeah and it's okay I think it's I think it's okay to hold space for for both emotions well one of the

35:11

questions I did want to ask you is how was dating in New York City and then I but I also would love to hear how you reconnected with your now current

35:18

boyfriend I didn't really have an experience dating in the city that we broke up and did not want to be broken

35:24

up but had some stuff we had to figure out so I had never ended up dating besides him and we'd always kept in

35:31

touch and then in the last I guess year or so we started going to a couple

35:36

therapy to figure out what would moving forward look like and was there a path

35:41

to move forward so that helped us kind of figure it out and be able to feel

Dating in NYC and Reconnection

35:46

more confident about like okay we're we're doing this amazing I love that I love that what does the rest of this

35:54

decade look like for you the rest of this decade um 34 so I got six more

36:00

years um oh I don't know it's so i' I'm the worst at answering those kind of

36:05

questions cuz when I think it's like I just gave you the interview question I'm like where going to in 5 years oh my God

36:10

I just realized I did that I'm sorry all good I I feel pretty confident that I'll be in New York City that part I I feel

36:16

pretty good about would like a beach house but that seems l oh that sounds amazing um I think he and I will be

Future Aspirations

36:23

together and getting married in the next couple of years seems to be the what we're both um on alignment with um yeah

36:31

for me it's just always like I just hope I'm happy and feel excited about whatever I'm working on and doing in

36:38

life yeah I love that answer and I think that you know having had all these

36:43

changes and transitions sort of just being open to what's next and being comfortable with kind of not knowing

36:49

yeah are there ways or things you would would say to the audience to and we've mentioned some but like kind of take the

36:55

pressure off so you can be excited about the what's next for me I had a I had a

37:02

thought of oh life is so much longer than I think it is which is a weird thing to say I think we're told so much

37:08

of life was short and I understand that sentiment I understand the why behind why we have that cliche but I also had a

37:15

moment of like oh life is actually really long I'm 34 years old I don't think I feel 34 necessarily I think I

37:21

ever does anyone ever feel age I'm like 43 I'm like what's that supposed to mean like I like feel like I'm 25 except I go

Perception of Time

37:27

to bed at 8 so um for me it's realizing like oh

37:32

there is there is so much time me joking about the beach house there's the part of me that because I'm impatient I want

37:40

it now of course it's summer I would love to have it right now but also telling myself like oh if you don't get

37:46

that till you're 50 you still have so much life to enjoy it I think about my parents and how they didn't start

37:53

traveling until I was off at college and or traveling I should say until I was

37:58

off at college and how many incredible places that they've been able to go and

38:03

just to remember that there is so much more life left so if it's not if you haven't checked that box off now it

38:09

doesn't mean you're not going to I love that so much and I think that's comforting to me I love that and just yeah I love that so much and just the

38:15

idea that there is so much time because I mean the podcast is quiet the clock right and a lot of the narratives are

38:21

we're running out of time but I love it being more like expansive and that there is so much time it's so funny you say

38:27

that cuz recently I have this this thought and this is doesn't really align with like focusing on what you have right now but I'm like I'm going to

38:33

thrive as like a mom with adult children my son's about to be three and

38:38

I it's like a new thought but I just see like these cool like older women and they're just like traveling and they're doing these things like I my parent yeah

38:45

I mean my parents that's when you said c in Las Vegas seeing the Grateful Dead so they're living a great life I just this

38:51

been like a new thought of M I'm just like I I'm going to thrive as like a but to the point of there's so much time to

38:57

still do do so many things and and the message of like just because you haven't

39:02

checked the box for better term does yet doesn't mean you you will you won't um

39:08

one other question well maybe I have more questions we'll see um as someone that struggles with impatience I do too

Thriving in Later Life Stages

39:14

I'm a very impatient person I am the same like I think of something I want I want it like yesterday um that has not

39:20

served me well in certain circumstances um so as someone that is similar to that

39:26

how how do you try to patient cuz there's a lot of things that like we can't control obviously and

39:32

can't control the timing of things but for you as someone that also struggles with patients how do you remain patient

39:39

it's something I'm always working on let's be real um I think it's definitely

39:44

using the reflection tool of seeing how far I'm going even when it doesn't feel

39:50

like it cuz growth can feel so minute when we're experiencing it but then when

39:56

you look back so I think having for me I really appreciate having certain checkpoints of times that I do reflect

Cultivating Patience

40:03

on the previous year um I have those like yearly journaling challenge that I

40:08

do in December I also have another thing that I do in September around the Jewish holidays that I answer the same

40:13

questions every year and it's a really cool experience every year of I sit down and I'm like nothing has changed in this

40:20

last year and then I look back and I'm like oh my God like so you'll compare yeah I go back and read for that I've

40:26

been doing it it since I was in college oh my God so you have all of them I have since I was maybe 20 or so it's a lot of

40:33

answers to go through so it's so interesting to go year by year and see what I was interested in where I was in

40:39

life what I was struggling with what I was excited about so having those checkpoints I think is so awesome and

40:47

even if you don't do something of that nature but just like put little check-ins on your calendar to answer the

40:53

same questions about what it is you're proud of in the last couple of months

40:59

what are you looking forward to what's the number one thing you're working towards and like celebrating a lot of

41:04

those wins and I think you'll realize how much growth and progress you're making even when it sometimes doesn't

41:10

feel like it in the moment that I know for me sometimes I know I feel many ways like cool I feel very stuck in the way

41:18

that I'm like still multitasking many jobs I kind of have the same job I did when I was 24 I'm a social media manager

41:25

and with this uh content creation on the side but then realizing when I actually

41:30

take a step back of like no we have grown so much in both of those worlds and look at all these amazing things

41:36

you've accomplished through them so having those little checkpoint reminders I think is helpful I think for me also

41:43

just going back to that like life is long and reminding myself that like just because it's not happening right this

41:50

second it doesn't mean it's not going to happen and to just feel remember that

41:55

there's a lot more time than I think there for certain things yeah yeah I love the reflection on the progress cuz

42:01

it can feel slow especially when we're reflecting on it ourselves I think an

42:06

effective tool sometimes too is having a good friend or a therapist that can help you look at it and shift the perspective

42:11

and be like well wait a minute look of all these things and like when I do that in sessions my clients will be like oh

42:16

my God because we forget we forget so easily we we forget and we also looking at the next thing and I've had it happen

Reflection on Progress

42:23

for me personally and my my friends will be like but you've done this you've done that you've done that and you've done that I was like oh right I forgot about

42:29

or like lost sight of all those things so that that again the pause the slow down the reflection is so important okay

42:35

one other topic I want to talk to you before we wrap up but navigating friendships in your 30s and we were talking earlier about you know the path

42:42

start to diverge or people move or people get in relationships engage kids whatever and how have you found

42:48

maintaining navigating relationships in your 30s as that as those timelines life

42:54

paths start to change and look a little different and Dev looks different and that is part of the the thought process

43:01

I had to go through of these friendships are going to look different and that's not a bad thing necessarily that my best

43:09

friend who had lived in the city after college and we saw each other all the time she's now living in the suburbs

43:15

recently has a kid we're not going to see each other as month just because of the reality of it but that doesn't mean

Navigating Friendships in Your 30s

43:20

I love her any less she loves me any less and the importance of our friendship is any less than it always

43:26

was so to me it's acknowledging that it's allowed to change but that doesn't mean we care about each other any less

43:33

and I found that really comforting it's been a lot of that of saying like oh some of these friendships look different

43:38

now than they previously did I in the last year did a really big effort to

43:44

both deepen my friendships and then also start to build new communities cuz I was really feeling that kind of sense of

43:51

loneliness and just like almost Detachment since I work for a fully remote company I live

43:58

if I don't make an effort I don't have to see anyone the day and I started making an effort

44:06

to put myself out there more in various ways um as a content creator attending

44:12

events for I do a lot of book stuff so like a lot of book events and kind of

44:17

finding ways to be involved with that Community I joined a new gym that's really focused on community and that

Building New Communities

44:24

energy and met so many new people through there uh we always go out to coffee after our

44:29

workouts so it's like gives me that like social boost before I go home and sit in my apartment for the rest of the day uh

44:37

I've been trying to work on just deepening certain friendships in my life and just making more of an effort and then

44:44

also allowing myself to mourn those changes in the other friendships and

44:50

acknowledge that yeah they look different but like I said earlier that it doesn't mean that we care about each

44:56

other L and when we do see each other oh my God it's the the best no time has

45:01

passed oh yeah to me like I we have like a date on the calendar for like end of July for me to see my friend that's how

45:08

it happens now it's like six month six months down the line okay we're going to do that dat that's what but I know it's going to be amazing and I know that us

45:14

not being able to see each other before them isn't a reflection of anything

45:19

about us it's just that life is busy and it's not a reflection of either of us not caring about each other so for me

45:26

it's really just been putting that into perspective of it's not necessarily about me which is comforting but more so

45:34

being grateful for like that friendship is still so important to me so of course I'm going to make the effort when we can to see each other and then how can I

45:41

also bring these new communities and friendships into my life so that I feel

45:46

I'm still getting that day-to-day aspect of it I love that intentionality of

45:51

getting out there and and creating new community and and even just maintaining the friendships you currently have while

45:57

accepting that they look different well you have been amazing to chat with um

46:02

before we wrap up is there anything else you'd want to share with our audience about navigating your 30s um come follow

46:08

me I talk a lot about it on social media through my Instagram which is my name Kayla kimman I also have a substack

Intentionality in Relationships

46:15

silly little things celebrating the silly little and big things in our 30s where I share ideas yeah for how to

46:21

spend your weekend weekend itineraries Sunday sips a lot of these like bite-sized ideas of little things to do

46:26

for a better week and I also just launched a social club if you're in New York City the silly little Social Club

Social Media and Community Events

46:32

if you want tell us tell us about it oh so at the time of recording we're hosting our first event this weekend so

46:38

it'll be a little too little too late but by the time you're listening to this there should be more events on the calendar a uh and my hope is to bring

46:46

more uh 30 something year old women together who have uh similar interest to

46:51

me I feel bad because I constantly am getting asked to like go out to coffee and meet up with people and I would love to but I'm also like one small introvert

46:58

that has a full-time job in a side hustle that I barely get to see some of my friends that I'm trying to make plans

47:04

with so my hope is to bring together the community and help Foster those

47:09

relationships and for people to meet other like-minded individuals in New York City and where can they find the info on events is it on be silly little

47:17

the silly little I haven't said it out loud yet silly little things Social Club on Instagram okay cool and my own

47:23

Instagram as well awesome Kayla thank you so much for being here and sharing all that you did thank you thank you for

47:28

having me of course anytime so I am no longer a coffee drinker coffee is something I gave up in

47:35

revamping my diet for my fertility Health which is very hard to do but luckily I found something amazing to

47:42

replace it with and that's my morning matcha that I use coolly coolly Moringa for it gives me that same ritualistic

47:50

feeling of having something warm in my hands in the morning without the caffeine and I have loved having that as

Fertility Health and Diet Changes

47:57

a replacement for my coffee I love this product so much it is delicious and I

48:02

honestly don't miss my coffee so if you want an opportunity to check out coly coly moranga you can use our code QTC 25

48:10

for 25% off your first purchase hey guys I'm B thank you so much for tuning in to quiet the clock if you want to hear more

48:16

episodes and learn more about how to dismantle societal timelines live life on your own terms live life fully And

48:23

authentically subscribe to our Channel on YouTube and you can also follow us on Instagram and Tik Tok at quiet the clock

48:29

pod [Music]

‍