Turning Pain Into Purpose

well at 37 like I've shared I froze my eggs at 39 I got pregnant naturally at

0:06

40 I had my son um and we were in the throws of you know Parenthood and and

0:13

and newborn um but I always knew I wanted a second child I always knew and felt really strongly that I want my son to

0:20

have a sibling uh Rob has siblings I have siblings I think it's a really important relationship and just to have

0:27

that person to go through life [Music]

0:42

with welcome to this episode of quiet the clock I am solo today um I have a

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story to share about myself and where I am now and I am a little nervous to

0:57

record this right now I'm a little nervous to put this out there but I think that there's so much value in

1:04

Sharing kind of where I'm at now um I want to just um sort of say trigger

1:11

warring for anyone that is struggling with infertility or recent loss um

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unfortunately that's what today's episode is about and I know when you're going through those things that something like this can be really hard

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to listen to so I just want to lay that out there and if this is not something that you're ready to hear or to listen

1:30

to please you know stop and don't listen um and I totally get that I totally understand that um I had not intended to

1:38

do the solo episode um I really love sharing the guest stories and through

1:44

sharing their stories I can also share mine and I think if you've been listening that you see that as we're

1:49

doing the episodes where I have my amazing guests on where I you know will share a little story about myself or how

1:55

I relate to something the guest is saying but I have not uh been on here in

2:01

a Solo capacity since the beginning of quiet the clock uh the beginning of season 1 where I started sharing you

2:08

know my egg freezing Journey why I started this podcast why it felt important for me to cultivate

2:14

conversations and just through everything I have gone through recently I continue to tell myself that

2:21

there was purpose and this purpose is to share my story and hopefully connect with other women that are in the space

2:28

or just share more about what I've learn learned uh about what I've gone through recently and watching the film back from

2:37

La we were out in LA in the beginning of February we filmed 10 amazing episodes out there um and watching those back I

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was sharing things in those episodes that are not quite true any longer there

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some are true in that you know what I'm about to share here today in terms of my journey um but just to put it out there

2:59

in that

3:12

[Music]

3:59

back up to um where do I start this um

4:05

well at 37 like I've shared I froze my eggs at 39 I got pregnant naturally at

4:12

40 I had my son um and we were in the throws of you know Parenthood and and

4:18

and newborn um but I always knew I wanted a second child I always knew and felt really strongly that I want my son to

4:25

have a sibling uh Rob has siblings I have siblings I think it's a really important relationship and just to have

4:32

that person to go through life with um but again Rob and I didn't really align

4:41

on that or the timeline of that and those very hard conversation started

4:46

again about would we do that when would we do that and you know I kind of did

4:52

feel right back to the place where I was at 36 37 38 about wondering or wondering

4:58

whether or not I would even have a baby and now is back in a place of wondering whether or not I would have a second and

5:05

my son would have a sibling and so Rob and I you know do what we do best is we

5:11

hear each other out we talk it out and we come to a place that feels good for both of us and where that place was was

5:19

the decision to take those frozen eggs and make embryos and just see where we were at um and that was suggested to me

5:25

by my current doctor Dr Alexis Green who's incredible and amazing and really

5:31

always takes the time to listen and answer my questions and every so often I like find myself in the fertility

5:37

doctor's office just to like check where things are at just have a conversation maybe get some questions answered and

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feel feel a little bit more reassured and she was incredible because you know I could be really open and honest with

5:50

her and just say hey here's what I want but here's where we're at and she was like listen if you were telling me you

5:57

guys were on the same page I would tell you toy naturally you got natur you got pregnant naturally at 39 she's like but

6:03

that's not what you're saying to me she said why don't you take these embryos and just see what you had and that

6:08

really stuck with me and then I brought that to Rob and several conversations and you know several conversations we

6:15

came to the decision to make the embryos and I believe at that point it was last

6:21

summer um so maybe June July is and so we started that process with Dr Green

6:28

and Dr Green works with two Labs one in the city and one in Greenwich and just based on where we live greenage was way

6:35

more convenient for me and for us and so I started to do all the paperwork to get

6:42

my eggs transferred from the clinic in the city or to wherever they were stored I didn't even know where they were

6:48

stored and maybe that's something I should have known and if you've frozen your eggs and you don't know where you are maybe that could be helpful

6:54

information for you to have or find out I was really not even aware of where my eggs were

7:59

processing is that my impatience really was a disservice to me and I'm really

8:04

working on continuing to stay patient um I would say I definitely am a person

8:11

that if I identify wanting something like I'm ready to go for it very quickly whether that's like a trip an outfit I

8:18

want whatever it is like I want it I want to go for it now and that is like

8:23

magneti like magnified to like a millionth degree when we're talking about babies and and expanding my family

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so I started to work to coordinate with the other lab that Dr Green worked with in the city and that just didn't feel

8:36

right something didn't feel right about that clinic just the way they responded

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like the communication wasn't great and I just wasn't really feeling good at that place now back up to season one of

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quiet the clock with Dr Brower who is amazing incredible she left me with this

8:55

little nugget and gosh that was probably in the spring now we're like five or six months you know ahead of time in the

9:02

summer whatever or whenever and she said just do it at the clinic in the city

9:08

your eggs are there and that stuck out to me so I started to consider doing it

9:14

at the clinic in the city and when I when I was working to like with both

9:19

places to transfer the place in the city was like the administration was like so communicative like so on top of that and

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that's something that I really oh my gosh as I'm recording this my best friend just sent me Parts cuz she knows

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what I'm going through um universe and so I started to feel really

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good about the way the clinic was communicating and really badly about how the lab in the city was communicating

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with me so I just thought to myself and actually my friend just text texted me helped me look into this um I just

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thought to myself maybe I do just do the embryos there and so my friend that just texted me gets on I think it's called

9:57

sart and looks at the lab review from the clinic which is something I

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highly highly recommend when you're thinking about making your embryos and I will get to that because I have a lot of

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suggestions and like pieces of advice based on what I've been through and what I've learned based on what I've been

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through um so I made the ultimate decision to make the embryos at the clinic in the city um and that is a

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process in and of itself a process I've learned a lot more about since going through it um and it is we just had our

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last episode was with Nancy and she had an amazing quote which is you you hold your breath 880,000 times so you hold

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your breath when they thaw the eggs because not every egg is going to survive the thaw um then you hold your

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breath to see how many eggs actually fertilize because not every egg is going to fertilize and then you hold your breath so that happens pretty quickly

10:51

you'll know how many survive the thought you'll know how many fertilize then you have to wait to see how many make it to

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day five day six blasticus so you hold your breath for that then you find out how many make it there and then if you

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choose to do the genetic testing which Rob and I did choose to do I think that's about two weeks so then you wait

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two weeks to find out what you're left with how many normal embryos that you're left with and at each stage for us you

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know we lost some and I don't like to really talk about numbers on here because that you know gets into

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comparison and can make people feel bad but I'll say I was very happy with the

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number that we got um and from there we decided to move forward with the first transfer and that

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was not an ideal experience for me and the communication I was getting administratively did not translate in

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terms of uh patient care so I felt very left in the dark I felt unheard I didn't

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I was not communicated with I had medication that I didn't know what to do with and wasn't getting answers on I

11:56

never spoke to a doctor which I do understand you to nurses more than you talk to doctors but I had no

12:02

relationship with anyone there like I would go in for my monitoring and my blood work and someone would call me in

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the afternoon and it would always be a different person and I was like trekking from Westchester driving to the city

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like leaving Rob to like manage Jean all by himself to get there and do that and I just remember in my gut feeling this

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is not right this is not right I don't feel good about this and you know I encourage every body to make sure they

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have a relationship with somebody wherever whatever clinic or place or doctor you're working with that makes

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you feel really good because it's a very isolating process and it just made

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everything 10 times harder to not feel like I got the communication I deserved feel like I got the attention that I

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deserved I never saw or spoke to an actual doctor until minutes before my

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transfer where I am need to pee so badly because when you go into to transfer an ember you have to

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have a full bladder I'm in a gown I had just taken I think like a you know

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whatever Med to relax me and like this guy could have like passed me on the street or or like screamed in my face I

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never would known he was a doctor so that was super super unsettling um and

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the other thing that came up when I was going through that was my THS level was

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high which is a indicator of thyroid function and it was was 2.9 before my

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transfer and again I didn't know any of this but if if you're not a woman trying

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to get pregnant that is an okay number but if you are trying to get pregnant or

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they're going to be transferring an embryo you want it at 25 and I did not trust my gut with that

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and they the nurse reassured me it would be fine fine fine they also reassured me

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that a natural transfer versus a medicated transfer would have no difference and be fine fine fine um and

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for me in terms of the natural transfer I was just supported with progesterone

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suppositories I had no estrogen and nothing else other than that I didn't get any like antibiotic and I know all

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of this because my second transfer was all medicated which I'll share about in a little bit and I was really concerned

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by that level and I like was asking my acupuncturist I texted Dr Brower and she

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was kind of like I would really want it at 25 before transfer there was a miscommunication in terms of like the

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medication they told me they would redo my blood work and call me back to let me know if I should start the thyroid

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medication they never called me back I ended up calling them back and I started

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the medication on a Saturday the transfer was on Tuesday and to my knowledge it's probably not nearly

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enough time to like make any difference in in the thyroid so that was another thing that went wrong in the first

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transfer um and I know this is a lot of information but again just

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knowing having more knowledge so understand what your thyroid level is

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know that it should be at 2.5 or under and if it's not again this is where my

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impatience didn't serve me like I wanted to do the transfer and I wanted I didn't

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want to have to cancel it and the day before I was in tears because I wasn't getting any answers and texting Dr

15:29

Brower and and I'm I'm like thinking to myself I should just call this whole thing off and I and I didn't I didn't

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because I was really ready and I really wanted it um I had another suggestion

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from another woman that I was working with more like healing work and she suggested I wait a month to like unblock

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some things and I just I didn't want to wait so I didn't trust my gut I was way

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too impatient and I moved forward with this transfer that didn't feel good by any means and it didn't work it didn't

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work and the waiting is torturous so after

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you implant there's like a 9 to 10 day wait before you do blood work to to show

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whether you're pregnant or not and um it's really really hard you're trying to

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like take care of yourself you're like doubting if you're doing too much did I

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lift should I not be lifting my son and you're just like overly cautious and anxious while you're waiting to find

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that news out and I was back and forth between whether or not I would take a pregnancy before the blood work and I

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had had a friend who had a successful transfer first time and she took a pregnancy test before the blood work and

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I just was kind of up in the air about whether that felt right for me and my

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blood work was the day after Thanksgiving and so what I decided was I was going to drive down the city do the

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blood work and then come home and do the pregnancy test and with what's weird about the twoe week there's almost these

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like like feelings or emotions or symptoms that you just start to like

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attach to and say think you're pregnant like it's almost psychosomatic you almost like make up these things and

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you're had that feel like you're pregnant so I did feel like I had some of those symptoms but I obviously really

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didn't because I wasn't pregnant and um we had spent the night so the the blood

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work was the day after Thanksgiving we had spent the night at Rob's parents and

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Rob was was still at his parents with our son when I left very early to go to the city and so when I got home and did

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the pregnancy test my sister was here with me and Rob was not home yet and I

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took it and I just really thought it would be positive and my sister and I like left in the bathroom we went into

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my bedroom and we're just kind of hanging out we set a timer and we went back in and

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I saw not pregnant and I just fell to the floor um hysterical crying and I

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just couldn't wait for Rob to be home because I just wanted to be with him and

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um it was really devastating and I just had some false expectations because I

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had gotten pregnant so easily with my son and I just assume my body is built for this this is going to work uh and it

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didn't work and that was extremely devastating and I think the weight of the whole

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process poured down on me too and just looking back about like how there was no

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communication how I felt in the dark how I felt like I had these things happening that I didn't understand

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and it just all culminated and it was a very hard weekend

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um yeah and I immediately went to work to to transfer all those embryos back

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not back but where I had started I I to Dr Green and so I worked tirelessly to

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make that happen ASAP and the place in the city told me that it would be six

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to8 weeks to get my embryos and I told them absolutely not and I I was on the phone with the patient experienced

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person like multiple times telling them how awful my experience it was and they

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really worked to expedite and the the the guy in grenage was amazing work to

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exp expedite my embryos out of there and he made me the guy in grenage was like

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don't worry they're coming to us they're going to be in safe hands we're all good um and then there was this other

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miscommunication mishap where I got an email saying that only

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one there was this mixup where there was it made me believe that there was only one embryo going to Greenwich and I was

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like wait a second we have we have x x amount left so just for

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everybody listening the ones they're still there like the ones that don't come back genetically normal they're

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still at the clinic and you can ask like what the abnormalities are I've since met with a genetic Specialists that have

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went through that with me but no one communicated that with me for me to know that those actually

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existed and you know I told the the woman on the phone the patient

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experienced person like I don't know to ask those questions and also anytime I'm

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on the phone with you or your phone number shows up I'm instantly in a state of anxiety because I don't know what I'm about to hear and so to expect that

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patients know to ask these things is is unfair so to anyone listening if you go

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if you go through this and you get x amount of normal back whatever made it

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to Blas assis like and didn't come back normal they're still there and you can ask about like the abnormalities and you

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know the status of those I didn't I didn't even know that they existed so because of all that mixup like it I read

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an email in a way that made me think we only had one embryo going to Greenwich and again I fell on the floor crying and

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the guy from Greenwich like very quickly clear that up for me and and he was amazing um so fast forward now we're

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into December um I did some more healing work the work I should have done before you

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know I did the first transfer but again I was extremely impatient and was just ready to get going on all of this um I

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did some other things to take care of myself and you know we met with Dr Green

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for our our game plan and I felt like really in a good mental emotional

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emotional physical state to move forward with another transfer and that experience

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was a million times I I didn't even I couldn't even think of the word to say it was like a million times better Dr

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Green was at every one of my appointments except when she was away on vacation but she you know was constantly

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communicating with the doctor that saw me I felt like I got all my questions answered I got really attentive care um

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I did not feel in the dark about anything we completely changed the protocol I did a medicated cycle which

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was for me EST estrogen patches estrogen pills progesterone

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shots um and then I got a couple other things that help with like couple an antibiotic and one other thing like I

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got five different things that I didn't get at the previous place and that was a

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um protocol that really did work for me I mean it is a lot the shots are a lot I

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end up having to do and I'm not good with needles at all I hate needles like if I could some have someone holding my

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hand doing blood work every time and I'm 42 years old that would be amazing and great for me um

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and he came downstairs on the phone and he said you're pregnant and I was so excited and I was

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so relieved um and it was just such good news and like I actually saw so the way

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my doctors work there's a a portal I think like everybody has a portal now and I saw the blood or come through and

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I'm like I'm not this was like before we got the phone call and I said I'm not ready to check because once I check this

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day can go one of two ways cuz if it's not good news I'm out for the count for the rest of the day and I like I need to

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get some more stuff done before I even look at this but then they called us with good news um and I felt amazing and I felt

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relieved and I felt excited and I just felt a range a range of things

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um and it just felt like everything that I had put into it like culminated in

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this amazing news and I was just so excited to now be on my pregnancy journey and um you know expand my family

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and all of the things and so everything was going well for a good amount of time

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we go out to LA we film all these amazing episodes met so many amazing people just had the best best time I'm

25:13

out there doing my shots you know bringing all the medication one of the and I think I talked about this in one

25:19

of the episodes like I had to because with the shots you have to take them during a certain time window

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so our on my flight like my fight was was originally supposed to land at one time in LA and that would have meant I

25:31

had to do it on the plane but we happened to get in early so I raced off the plane and was able to do it in like the airport bathroom but you know when

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it's just kind of funny and you're excited like who cares you're pregnant like I'll do the shot wherever U and I

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came back from LA and that Monday we had our first scan and that went well like

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we saw everything we were supposed to see they they're looking for what I learned was a fetal pull they saw a

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heartbeat Flicker and that's it's not really the appointment where you'll like hear a heartbeat yeah so all look good

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on the first scan send us on our way said to come back the following Tu no I'm sorry following

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Thursday um and so we go back the following Thursday Rob is with me

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and I just remember feeling like prior to that appointment I

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just remember feeling like I don't feel pregnant and looking back now I I think

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it was less of a symptom thing and more of a intuition thing uh when I was

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pregnant with my son I felt very connected and I felt like I wasn't alone and I really started to not feel that

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way uh but I kind of wanted to ignore that thought completely because who

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wants to think that you want to just think like your baby's in there and your baby is growing and I didn't really want

26:53

to fully acknowledge those thoughts but they were definitely there I remember remember getting ready for the

26:59

appointment and being in my closet getting dressed and I was like I almost

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envisioned it not going well which I just quickly didn't I wanted to like get that thought out of my

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mind um and then Rob and I were sitting in the waiting area and I just looked at him said I'm really

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nervous and then we go into the room and

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um you know you get on the table you put your legs up the whole thing and I knew

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immediately something was wrong because I didn't see anything on the screen and then you can almost like if you've ever

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been this through this you know like you can feel the doctor's energy too and she kept moving like the probe

27:40

around and trying to like get a different position and then she said I don't I don't see anything and I was

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just I couldn't control myself I was hysterical I was hyperventilating I was

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shaking and then she tried um like a different way of doing the

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ultrasound and still nothing and she brought in a tech to get like second eyes and there was

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nothing and um she said that the baby probably stopped growing right after shortly after that

28:16

first appointment um and I was I was just heartbroken I

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was in disbelief uh I will share I'm almost a month out no I'm more than a

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month I'm like five weeks from that that moment and time and that place and so

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it's a it is a lot easier to talk about and talk about here and again I want to

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share this because I you know committed to be vulnerable and the whole time I'm going through all this I just thought

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like I will share all this and I will pay this forward and hopefully it's helpful to even one woman um so if it

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seems like I talk about this with ease it is not easy but it has gotten easier

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and the rest has been a whirlwind um five weeks have felt like five years

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time has moved so slowly I've also in that time done a million and one things

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that I will get into and share here and probably share more in depth on another episode or on social media because I

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have Dove very deeply into doing a lot more research on things and I'm Blown

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Away by what I've learned um for me I made the decision to not do a DNC um Dr

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Green was amazing again to lay out all my options and and sort of let me know

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pros and cons of the options um and in that moment I just I

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just couldn't imagine myself back there the next day because if I did decide to do the DNC I would come back the next

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day and have that done and I just I was like I can't come back here tomorrow and I said let let's give my body time to do

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its own thing and I I really sat with that decision even after that because I

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went back the following week and my body hadn't passed the tissue and she just

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let me keep waiting because I'm like I don't want any more medication I just spend so much time pumping myself with

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so much medication I was like I don't want any more medication and I don't want a procedure and luckily I guess luckily

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unluckily my body did do its thing and and passed everything on its own which

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was a horrible experience in of itself I I was bleeding tremendously I was

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thought I might have to go to the hospital I was losing so much blood and it's you know I'm sorry again this is

30:40

this is a lot but it's the reality of it and the reality of what so many women go

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through and you know I sit in disbelief that I am in this Camp of women and no

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one wants to be in this camp but the power of sharing your story and I've connected with so many women that have

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been through this since I have been and that's been extremely helpful because while you have friends that are so

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loving and so supportive and checking in there's almost a separation now of like

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you just don't get it you know you don't get it you haven't been through it and I love and appreciate all of their support

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but there's a different kind of support that comes from a woman that has been through it and does get

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it so my body did its thing um and since

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then it's been really a lot of ups and downs I have really D very deeply into

31:37

what can I do and I've read so many books on how to improve egg quality I am

31:43

working with uh Stephanie Adler whose episode comes out this week and she's helping me with my nutrition and balance

31:50

my hormones and taking supplements these are all things I never really have done

31:56

and it's fast fascinating to learn what's the power of nutrition and a lot

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of the books that I'm reading and again I think this deserves like a whole separate episode or again like blog or

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something to share all that I've learned about this idea that age is the defining

32:16

factor of fertility it's absolutely not it is absolutely not and so you know we

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call we call this podcast quiet the clock and it's it's born out of the narratives that say at 35 you're like

32:28

infertile and I'm here to say absolutely not true I mean I could have said that before when I got pregnant naturally at

32:34

39 and I will certainly say it now because everything that I'm reading just debunks that idea completely there's so

32:41

much power in nutrition and how we feel our body to help our fertility um so I

32:47

definitely will share more on that but it's been like a frenzy and a panic of like ordering every supplement buying

32:54

every book reading everything Googling everything

32:59

um revamping or like yeah my whole kitchen like I have thrown out all my

33:07

pots and pans and ordered new like the toxins is a real thing there is no plastic in my house

33:12

anymore and now where I sit because so this has probably been like four weeks

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of this like I have stopped drinking coffee very basically stopped drinking

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alcohol I had a few beers this weekend cuz I'm like I have to have some balance like this can't be all consuming um no

33:30

gluten no soy no Dairy I'm cooking like a maniac like I'm up at 5: to work out

33:37

and I start cooking by 600 before my son is up it has just been a major 180 on my

33:45

lifestyle um and I'm excited about those changes

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because as I'm making them and I'm living them I'm like this is about my overall health and not just my fertility

33:57

health so I'm excited to you know change those things for the

34:03

bigger picture and someone that is been very supportive of me has said Thank

34:08

that baby for waking you up to your health and I I found that very profound and very helpful and I do try to look at

34:16

like what does this mean like what is the bigger picture here why did this happen what is the purpose of this what

34:22

is the takeaway from this and I think it is this wakening to my health because

34:28

while I consider myself a very healthy person I was not entirely health healthy

34:33

like I was taking no supplements or vitamins I was definitely not eating enough protein I would have a jam-packed

34:41

day and like eat a protein bar like on the Run thinking that was really healthy

34:47

way too much coffee um so I think it has really has really opened my eyes to my

34:54

health um and I just have been seeking out so much information and so much

35:01

support and that has been extremely extremely helpful to me um the other thing that I found out which is Weighing

35:08

on me heavily is my thyroid antibodies are really

35:14

really elevated the range should be 25 to 60 and Min are 95 and the one there

35:20

is this fear of like what is happening in my body I don't know what's going on and two there is this major frustration

35:26

that there is not a full full thyroid panel done before you even start IVF and

35:31

I don't know if anyone else has had one done or they knew to do that or advocate for that with their doctor but that

35:37

wasn't done for me until after I had my miscarriage and my doctor again is so incredible and is you know now treating

35:44

me as like a multi- miscarriage patient and what she said she's like you're not that but we'll do all the work up for

35:50

that and you know I wish that was something I knew before to look for before because there's all these things

35:56

she's looking for now that I've since since I've had this miscarriage and you know my question and frustration is why

36:02

aren't we doing these things before any woman starts an IVF Journey like we

36:08

could if we could Safeguard or or problem solve or problem shoot for something and fix it before we transfer

36:14

that would be amazing and share and save so much freaking heartbreak so much

36:19

freaking heartbreak so I have a frustration with that and I have a real fear of is there something really wrong

36:27

going on or or bigger that I don't know and when I tell you I've done everything

36:32

I am doing everything I I met with a genetic specialist I am meeting with a reproductive immunologist in the

36:39

beginning of April I'm doing a spirit baby reading I'm reading every book Under the Sun um and the funny thing is

36:48

I tell my clients not to do these things this these deep Dives and so I had a little bit of a meltdown last night because I'm so overwhelmed by it all and

36:56

I decided last night that that I also have to manage my overwhelm and my stress and find a balance with all of

37:04

this because stress is such a major issue in all of this too and you know

37:09

it's it's not easy to not stress and and just try to relax but I I think my energy right now is better spent on you

37:18

know meditating or walking versus reading another chapter about thyroid um

37:24

or trying to find a way to to balance it and do both um so this has been my

37:30

journey and I guess yeah where I started goes all the way back to last year where we started making the embryos and uh it's been really really

37:39

hard it's been extremely hard I am so anxious and eager to have another baby

37:47

and to expand my family I am fearful that something bigger is wrong

37:55

and um you know what I what I'm learning too and I love my doctor tremendously is

38:01

that there's a lot of self- advocacy that has to happen there's a lot that I have been doing on my own and

38:07

researching on my own while also having support but there's you know I was saying to Rob last night I need to be

38:14

equipped with information so I can have the questions like I had no questions I

38:19

had no questions when I started this because I just didn't know and that was that did not serve me

38:27

well so and maybe I'll come up with some questions you can ask and I'm going to

38:32

share all the books that I've read but if you feel something in your gut like

38:37

listen to that and patience is such a virtue I wish I was more patient I wish

38:43

I tuned into myself a little bit more I wish I trusted what was coming up for me

38:48

I just sort of pushed all that down because I'm like I want this baby and I want this baby now and I realize now

38:56

while you know I'm do the mental math constantly because I wanted my kids closer together and it's just not the

39:03

reality and I try to keep telling myself two or three more months will be a blip

39:08

if it means you find out what's going on with your thyroid it means that you turn your whole nutrition

39:14

around and so I'm just trying to stay really really patient um and one of the

39:21

things I kept telling myself when I was going through all of this is that I can pay this forward and I can

39:28

share my story and I encourage anyone to reach out to me that is in a similar

39:34

place or maybe you're about to transfer and you want to know you know more about

39:39

thyroid you want to know more about like health or things you can do as you're

39:44

prepared for that transfer I'm here for all of it if anyone has any questions or anyone just wants to connect and share

39:50

their story I have found so much comfort from talking to other women that have been through this and I wanted

39:57

everyone to understand where I was now and not listen to the LA episodes and be like wait what like what's going on

40:04

where is she at and because I do share bits and pieces of that through you know the interviews with the guests um and I

40:12

hope that this is helpful I don't know it's I hope it's helpful and I do just

40:18

want to share it and um Rob has been incredible and amazing through all of

40:23

this and so supportive and just also very helpful in sort of bringing me back

40:30

down and helping me stay positive and helping me take things way one day at a time because I do look like very far

40:37

ahead and get really again impatient and eager and so he's really helpful in in

40:42

grounding me and that and so that's been really really helpful if you have any

40:48

questions or again just want to connect I'm here for it I I am in this Camp of

40:55

women now and again I don't think any woman wants to be here but we're stronger when we come together and we

41:01

support each other so I'm here for that and I will do another episode where I go

41:07

more deeply into what I've learned again the books I read the supplements I'm

41:12

taking um and yeah I don't really know how to wrap this up other

41:19

than everybody take care of yourself trust yourself tune into to your

41:24

intuition tune into to your guts tune into to what your body is telling you

41:30

and I will continue to keep you posted on our journey and where we're at um

41:36

right now I'm just taking a minute to kind of take care of myself and make some changes and do some things that I

41:43

have control of and get more mentally prepared to see what is next for us I

41:50

still trust I'm going to say this I still trust that we will expand our family I still wholeheartly believe in

41:56

that I still whole hardly want that and it's just a different path to get there

42:02

so I hope this has been helpful um yeah it's hard to put out there but I

42:10

hope it's helpful to somebody hi I wanted to jump back on here because I just finished watching

42:18

what I recorded yesterday which I think signifies how nervous I am to put this out here because I never really rewatch

42:25

The episodes I leave that to my amazing EP Shelly who watches the

42:30

episodes and edits all of them and um but I did watch this one back and it is

42:36

because I'm very nervous to put it out there and while listening it to it I realized I think I left out a lot of the

42:42

nuances of all of this a lot of the complexities of this a lot of the

42:48

emotional layers of this and maybe that was my own subconscious or protective

42:54

coping mechanism to make it more logistical and while the logistics are

43:00

really important I think um you know I did get emotional recording it I think some of the emotions or or things that

43:07

came up for me were left out and I do think those parts are important um I

43:12

wanted to read something that I wrote while going through this and it's funny because if you've listened to season one

43:18

there are a lot of things I journal on and things that I write that I have shared here um and I thought this one

43:25

captured it pretty well um but before that read that I was

43:30

thinking today about just like the nuances like I don't know if anyone's listening that has been

43:36

through this like I got like superstitious about things I got superstitious about where I parked when

43:42

I went to the doctor where I parked when I went to my acupuncturist if you look at the closely at the recordings of the

43:48

LA episodes or see some of the pictures um on our website I'm wearing the

43:53

medical bracelet for my transfer and I kept that on until the ultrasound where we found out

44:00

um that we had lost our baby and immediately like in the midst of my hyperventilation and tears I was saying

44:06

to Rob get this off me get this off me get this off me um so there's just so many nuances to all of this there's so

44:13

many complexities to it there's so many emotions there's so much

44:18

blame constant questions of like what did I do wrong could I've done anything differently I went through the Monday

44:25

when we had the first good Ultra sound to the Thursday we did everything I did in questioning like did I do anything

44:32

did I do anything wrong what what did I do so the blame is really huge and I just wanted to read

44:40

this because I think it captures just the emotion of it and what we women put

44:47

ourselves through the questions we ask ourselves the emotions that we feel um

44:52

and if this is helpful or relatable to anybody again I want to I want to share it

44:58

um so here it goes less than a week out from my

45:04

miscarriage well I guess technically not even because my body has not done anything yet I'm still waiting for my

45:09

body to pass this baby boy that I wanted so desperately this coming right after a failed transfer most days I fight to get

45:16

out of bed which I do because I have a toddler that needs me I Rush him off to daycare and I get back into bed where

45:23

I've given myself permission to just have my coffee and zone out to love is blind but then the guilt sets in and the piles

45:29

of things to do are still there so I muster some energy to get out of bed and fold the laundry or wash the dishes or

45:35

answer some emails and then I get back in bed bed is my Solace right now I feel alone but I have chosen alone the texts

45:43

come in the offers to talk or there but I don't want to what am I going to say that someone that had a successful

45:48

transfer and a brand new baby in their arms to someone that has two very healthy children they don't get it I'm

45:54

now part of a club that I never thought I would be in and those are the people that I will and can talk to because they

46:00

get the pain and the disappointment and the hopelessness they get the extensive amount of effort emotionally physically

46:06

logistically and financially with no outcome with a road still ahead that is just as uncertain because for me the

46:12

road does not end here I have to keep trying but the trying is terrifying because there is a real possibility that

46:18

I will end up here again I foolishly thought that this would just work I got pregnant with my son so easily and I

46:25

knew what a blessing that was at the time but wow do I really get it now and then there are all the layers

46:32

and complexities of being 42 and feeling like I'm running out of time and now not trusting anything or anyone the doctors

46:39

the clinics and mostly myself what did I do wrong did I drink too much coffee not

46:46

take the right supplements the thoughts are endless and the information is endless I find myself signing up for all

46:52

the things plugged at me on Instagram I've ordered special tees signed up for emails about infertility and how to

46:57

prevent miscarriage and then I don't even look at them because that is too much that's where I ended that I I

47:05

stopped there but it still makes me really emotional and I think a lot of people can relate

47:11

to this and again I hope this episode was really helpful it felt important for me to jump back on here and just share

47:18

how hard it is how lonely it can feel how uncertain it could feel how out of

47:24

control it can feel um it's a really really hard place and

47:29

if you're going through this again I'm here I I'd love to connect to all of you

47:36

and to all of you getting up each day and getting out of bed or G giving yourself permission to stay in bed I I

47:43

honor you um and I get it if you like the episodes that you're hearing and you want to hear more please subscribe to

47:49

our Channel and stay tuned for more incredible stories and tools when I froze my eggs at 37 I felt alone I felt

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