Allison's Journey: From Society's Expectations to Self-Discovery and Authenticity

and I just gone through a gone through a breakup after like an almost 5ye

0:05

relationship and I remember immediately like badmouthing myself what I wasn't enough of this I didn't do this

0:12

he didn't want to be with me because even though it was a mutual breakup I was giving myself this whole negative

0:18

narrative and I'm like what why am I talking to myself this way and I knew

0:24

then that I didn't love myself enough that kind of began my quest for like selflove self

0:39

care if you're someone struggling or relating to the topics that we're talking about now and you're feeling the

0:44

anxiety or the stress or the pressure of feeling like you're running out of time you're behind and you want some extra

0:51

support check out my group therapy practice in Midtown Manhattan NYC therapeutic Wellness we have an amazing

0:58

team of clinicians ready to support you in your journey to help you feel more grounded to help you feel more grateful

1:05

to help you feel like you're just exactly where you need to be so check us out at

1:10

www.nyc therapeutic wellness.com I am so incredibly grateful I'm still

1:16

giddy because I haven't seen Allison in so many years and she walked through the door and I just screamed um so I'm really excited to be

1:24

able to have this conversation it's very different for us because Alison's a former client of mine and we've had many

1:29

in conversations but not with anyone there but us but not in front of camera so this is a new new situation for us um

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but I was just saying to Alison off camera how I am going to get chills I

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was looking through our notes our session notes to prepare for today because I think your journey is so

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incredible and transformative and there's so much inspiration in it and so much to share with the audience about

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just the power of therapy the power of finding your voice

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the power of getting aligned with which is true to you and what you really want and I want to talk about that all today

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but I was looking through our notes and I was like holy God like we did some work we worked we wor you worked you

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worked but it was just yeah I felt so proud going back through those notes and

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we no longer work together life has changed I know we're very sad about we get to be here together today yeah um

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yeah it was just incredible to prepare for today and go through oh than all that so welcome here in this very

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different space for us but I'm so happy and very grateful it was a journey for you to get here today with the rain and

2:38

the traffic and all the things but we're here we made it made it yeah so welcome so lots lots to talk about where I want

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to start is where we started together many many years ago and you

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know a lot of what we talk about on the podcast is like the societal milestones and like the vision and what it should

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look like and and where you when you came to me you kind of well that was

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happening in your life and you from outside perspectives had it all you had the fiance you were a homeowner planning

3:12

a wedding planning a life yeah and things change so maybe we could start there because I think again like outside

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perspective one would say this is the dream you have it you have it at the time you're supposed to have it this is

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the way it's supposed to look you know it's so interesting to think back on that time

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because I know where I was with having the fiance having the house and all that

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at that time in my 30s it felt like it was literally a checklist come to life

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yeah like I had made this checklist I was like I want these things and here they are and what I wasn't putting on

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that checklist what I wasn't prioritizing was how does this feel is

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this right for me yeah is this aligned with who I am

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and in the end it really it really wasn't and it

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wasn't I don't know that it was necessarily the structure of it but in my relationship we weren't that happy

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together we discovered after living together that we weren't compatible and

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buying a home together and buying a home Liv home that we bought together and

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it's like okay and then there was a period where we were still living together yeah oh my gosh yes oh my gosh

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that's right and it was like the break up the movie and it was um it was it was

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tough and it was it and I knew for a long time that the relationship wasn't working and I just kept going I felt

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like well we've invested this much time I should try to make it work I'm this age you know I should be you know

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everyone around me is doing it everyone's and I was like let me just relationships are hard let me figure it

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out but I just felt not just in my relationship but in other areas of my life that I wasn't living authentically

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I wasn't I wasn't stepping into who I saw myself to be yeah and I and I think

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that's what's that's so incredible you've said so many incredible things I think that's where we started and I and

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I think what makes me so proud is I know that we got to that we got to you

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knowing what was authentic to you listening to your own voice so that that Journey has been incredible

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to be part of and I love what you said about checking the list because I think a lot of us live that way until we've

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like checked all the things and then we're like wait I'm not happy so I would

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be curious like what informed or who informed the list

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like that's a good question you know it definitely let's

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see who informed that list it was um it was just it was societal in many ways

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it was it was uh almost numerical you know

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it was like okay we need I need this I need this I and it by this by this age by this time to do this and I think it

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was coming from me it was coming from a place of this is what I should have to

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be respected wait do you remember the one word I always hated in therapy

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should should should and fine all my clients would get so used to be like like sh no no no sh no shs no shits yeah

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I was [ __ ] all over the place I was like I was like I should have this you know by this age and um I think also

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like in my family that was what was expected of me and you know among my

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friends that's what was happening and it felt like I was being left out yeah of

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certain conversations or left behind left behind like I wasn't and even

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though wasn't fully happy there was there's also such a culture of

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misery right in our world that like there's plenty of company there's

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there's like there's a there's a there's a place to fall back into if you're not happy and know that you're not alone and

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it makes you feel okay but I think there's also this thing too that like other people can't hold space for

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your happiness right if you step outside of that checklist or you do something different there's this you know maybe

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unspoken Envy or projection because they're probably miserable and they look

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at someone that's like brave enough or C courageous enough to like say I'm not happy and I'm going to change that yeah

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so I think you're you become like the outlier or your or projections land on you because you're just like I'm not

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going to go down this path I'm not happy yeah yeah yeah know I and I I knew that

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you know and I I knew it in the way that I would interact with other people in the way that I showed up for myself

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creatively professionally like I felt just shy of like this person I knew I

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was and so so yeah I knew it was time to make a change tell me about I don't know

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if we've ever talked about this maybe we did but your I guess your decision to come to therapy yeah what was that sort

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of decision-making process like that Readiness to maybe start to heal or

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start to discover who is authentically you it was a long journey really like I

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remember the first time I think it dawned on me that I didn't love myself

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enough I was much younger I was in my late 20s and I just gone through a gone

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through a breakup after like an almost 5year relationship and I remember

8:55

immediately like badmouthing myself what I wasn't enough of this I didn't do this he didn't want to be with me because

9:01

even though it was a mutual breakup I was giving myself this whole negative narrative and I'm like what why am I

9:09

talking to myself this way and I knew then that I didn't love myself enough that kind of began my quest for like

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self-love self-care and then I you know this but I

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I fell in love with the man who then passed away yeah and I think immediately

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following that I I I went into therapy out of desperation out of like I'm I've

9:34

completely Fallen apart I've lost my sense of the world yeah and so um I

9:39

started there and then and I think I was just kind of grinding you know just I

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was in New York I went back to I was I was still working I would say back to work but I felt like I was a I was well

9:51

enough to return back to my life as it existed which I think I I still wasn't fully

10:00

convinced was for me but I was like it's here these are the things I can glob on to so I'm it's comfortable and it's what

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you know and it's familiar and after such grief like you gravitate back to that even if it's not the place that's

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like totally fulfilling or making you happy yeah exactly that exactly that I

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was like this is good enough and oh good enough good enough it's like I feel like

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so many people live in the good enough because it's so scary to go after something better it can be so scary but

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this is why your story is so great because you've gone after a lot of things and we'll we'll get to that but

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yeah good enough is not good enough it's not no it's not because it It ultimately led me to a place I um so the thing

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that's interesting is I feel like what's for you will find you and I was in like

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a professional development um workshop and it was really great and we did a

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couple of exercises I was assigned a coach and in that um we have this

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exercise I think we've talked about this where um she had me list out the things I

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value and give them like a numeric value and then in the next column she said give a numeric value to

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how much you are living this value oh my God yeah I remember this but also we did a ton of value ton I'm sure you still

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have all this oh I I live by I live by so I

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I remember how jarring the difference was right to look at it and be like oh my

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God I was like I'm not living my Valu the things I say I value I am not

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actively living and then I I felt great after the workshop like you know we had like a a retreat like a weekl long

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retreat and I felt amazing but I knew inside that this won't last yeah that

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this is a fleeting moment because I'm surrounded by people pouring into me but out there in the world there's that for

12:00

that in credit okay wait let's let's talk about this because I wanted to bring this up yeah I want you to share

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with every everybody here what we came up with to deal with that because I love this this was like so great the bouncer

12:14

their bouncer at the door at the door listen my life is an exclusive Club

12:20

exactly it is a beautifully designed Chic place to be the place to be and

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everyone's trying to get in but you know you need a bouncer need to bounce her at the door whether it's people people's

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energy your own narratives your inner critic and I just love that we came up with that because when you would go to

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this place where the inner critic was getting loud I'm like girl where's your bouncer she's sleeping yeah yeah yeah

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the bouncer had like yeah he hasn't he's not been on his game yeah yeah yeah had

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to get a new bouncer but but yeah the bouncer the bouncer really just helped me give it a

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physical visual yes a visual um manifestation of it so I was able to say

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okay this doesn't belong in my life this doesn't belong in my life and a lot of it was people but a lot of it was also

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me my thoughts there's so many and I'm still weeding them out the bouncer is

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still working hard make sure he's on overtime get him going yeah like hiring

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like a backup too because you know It's Tricky these these voices and they come from you know and and some of it like I

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realize is like just passed down from from Generations Family and it's like I see the same my same battles I see it

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happening with my mother I see it happening with my sister I see it happening with my aunts and I'm like I'm storting to see it in the Next

13:45

Generation with my I was thinking about your knees and I'm just like oh we got to get this we got to we need this

13:51

bouncer yeah and all the bouncers friends all the friends yeah well that's

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what's so incredible about you doing the work right because then it's you know you can share or you can start to change

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the narrative for people or yeah other Generations that was a big thing too in

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the family a lot of the work that we did together was setting those boundaries within my family yes and it has really

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shifted the dynamic and it's allowed us to talk about things in a way we hadn't before you know and and you and you were

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such the driver of that I really think that you were I think that because you've done your own work you were doing

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your own work there were ways that you were able to cultivate conversations

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within your family that probably wouldn't have happened before and that's

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something to be really extraordinary it's so proud of yeah yeah okay so you're healed but

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you have this Workshop you're real realizing the values are not aligned at that point I

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knew I had to get ser serous if I wanted to break through like the me that's on

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the inside that's just like let me out let me out you know and I think it was a

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combination of like having that information and getting that Clarity of

15:16

I'm not I don't belong in this relationship anymore there's something else out there I need help getting there I need help understanding why I'm in my

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way in certain regards and so I you know I I just started looking I

15:31

started you know reaching out and a friend of mine recommended you who I

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also love She's fantastic and and I just I've had such a great journey with you I

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mean you've helped me see so much and helped me like make some major decisions

15:52

in my life major and I want to get to that and I it's such an honor to be in

15:57

my uh seat because to watch people really commit to the work and then the

16:04

Transformations that happen and I and and just the privilege of seeing all these parts of people you know you come

16:10

to therapy and if it's a good therapist in a safe space I get to see sides of

16:16

people that maybe they aren't ready or feel safe enough to show into the world and just really cultivating that and and

16:22

allowing that to to show outside session and I saw all the potential in you but

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it's meeting someone where they're at and getting them to the place where they can see themselves the way that I see

16:34

them so it's yeah I mean again I was looking at our notes I'm just like oh my gosh everything that we did so yes major

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major changes one being you current well we're in La filming now and you moved

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from you always wanted to be out here yeah and that was one one of the first big changes that was there was it was

16:54

2019 I know right breaking up with

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the the fiance well it was Mutual we we we was it consciously yeah what was I I

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I'm just curious before we go into the move and the you know the courage to do

17:11

that what were other people's perspectives on the you ending

17:17

that relationship right so you have this picture you've checked the boxes maybe to a lot of people around

17:24

you you're happy you're on the path we're all supposed to take and then you make you make this Mutual decision did

17:30

other people have opinions about that or did they support uh I say was a mix um I

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feel like there was support from people who excuse me people who know me you

17:43

know really well um but there was also this also people who knew me really well

17:49

there was this kind of when is she going to settle down we

17:54

were so close how I liked them what happened you know

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and you know there was yeah there was a little

18:06

bit of there was a little bit of boat I will say um I did get I did get enough support though um and I will say like

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you know the most important person is always like my mother and she was you know I think she

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was sad about it but like what followed I think got her very

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excited because I think she's always kind of seen she always wants me to be happy

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sure I mean any want you to be happy and so she was

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um yeah she was um she was supportive she supported which which meant a lot

18:46

yeah of course of course okay so yeah come to come we start our work and then

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2019 2019 everything changed yes I end of the end of the relationship and then

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I remember this the top of the year and then I remember a couple weeks later thinking like okay what do I do now like

19:07

I don't want to live in this house like you know we were like or do we sell the house I ended up selling my share of the

19:15

house and I was like so unexcited about just getting another place in Brooklyn I

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was like oh my so much and then I was like wait a minute I've always wanted to move to LA what is holding me yeah what

19:28

is holding me but now really I mean your family is family and that is still hard

19:33

but you know I still go out and visit them but but this was a dream for you a dream for me for a long time I would go

19:39

to La all the time for work I work in TV in film so I was always in LA and the

19:46

weather's nice I mean you just can't beat it so I was like you know what except for today except today where it's

19:52

like and everything I'm like what lied to us right oh sh and I were in all our

19:58

Glory yesterday because it was so sunny I was in a tank top I'm you know from New York and I'm like it's freezing

20:05

there right now and I woke up and heard the rain and I was like was I was like oh man but hopefully we'll get some more

20:10

sun while we're here she need help Sunshine um so yeah I

20:17

started looking for jobs out here in LA and I got a job so I quit my job and

20:25

this in the same year my parents broke up I know yeah which was like what God

20:31

you know as you're talking like I have such a visual memory I'm just like remembering all the sessions and all like the the job interview process and

20:38

like the news of your parents and yeah it was the process I mean the job interview process was a bit grueling too

20:45

several I remember I was like there's one job I was like so close it's me and

20:50

two other people and it took like I'm not kidding like five months of

20:55

interviews I even was out here in La for work I like like let's interview in person and like didn't get that job but

21:02

there was another job that I was actually a better fit for me that I did get so and then when it was time to go it was time to go and so this was like

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August of 2019 yeah and um my mother and I road trip two week two and a half

21:18

weeks we could take a road trip across the country so that was like amazing and like that was like everything to me like

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like all right it's all systems go I'm leaving one job I'm starting another job I'm moving across the country lucky the

21:31

job had like relocation benefits I was able to get support and then it was like you know finding a place getting a car

21:36

becoming a California resident like there was so many things to do that I was just like and I was so excited to do

21:43

them you know what I mean it was like okay let's let's go let's let's start this new life and like settling into La

21:49

just felt like I felt free yeah and I remember that time for you too I know there was some like housing situation

21:56

things that came up to that were stressful but I remember that really being a time for you to sort of revisit

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like we talked about a joy list you were singing you were getting into your creative you were really intentional

22:07

about creating your space and it was really I think like amazing time for you to start to to to attach to like that

22:14

authentic self and I think it's important to say like I think it can e and flow right there were moments where

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you were really grounded in all that and me too and then there were moments that were not so it's not always like you

22:26

figure it out and you're there always like I think it's important to normalize like it's not always we're not always

22:32

aligned and attached but that's the work it's like that is the work yeah no it was it was definitely that it was like

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constant change and so much newness and you know at being at that place where I

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was very aware I was like hyper aware of how I'm living my life and how how it

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feels and like taking moments to check in with myself if are challenging and

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I'm feeling like like okay what's going on here I'm behaving in an interesting way or I'm telling myself different

23:04

things because of this interaction and so I was just very I was I was just in my life like it was not a dress

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rehearsal it was very much very was very present yes and with the awareness yeah

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which is um just a great place to to be in when you're when you're well and so

23:23

transformative too and you and I talked a lot about like that identity piece or roles like what is your role in your

23:29

family what is the role in your sister and then you take this big move you have this big transformation and I you know the identity Journey right you're not a

23:35

fiance anymore you're not a New York resident anymore it's kind of like this discovery time yeah like even the road

23:43

trip like that was just so cathartic being able to literally drive across the

23:48

country and like you can I can feel I can feel the energy shifting I can feel things being left behind I can feel

23:54

myself opening up yeah and like and it's interesting even like seeing the landscape of this massive country that

24:03

you can see like the mountain ranges like how everything is kind of cause and effect and just made me feel like

24:08

connected to Nature in a way that well that's so important to you important to me and like yeah just coming coming out

24:16

like yeah I would like I started a jam band with a friend of mine yes oh my God that's right and even on the way here we

24:23

drove past a place I did like an open mic performance parts of you that were just

24:29

coming alive they were coming alive and and I was I was at a place where I was like I don't want to talk myself out of any of them I just want to express

24:35

myself and go yeah and it's was like I didn't know and and it was so interesting I was at a place too where I

24:41

wasn't even sure what was next for me like I didn't know that I even wanted to stay in film and television because I

24:46

had done it for so long um working at you know different networks and I felt like am I over this am I past this is

24:54

there something else for me I don't know and I was like I don't need to know I just need to express and so I love that I think it's

25:00

important to pause there and like yeah like the not and I think that's what gets so hard because it's so challenging

25:07

to live in uncertainty and not knowing and I think that a lot of anxiety comes from trying to know or trying to control

25:15

and it's just so stressful and it's so emotional to be in that place and I think it's so beautiful to be in a place where you can just say I don't know what

25:22

that what's next and that that's okay and that can be really exciting too if you let it be no it totally can and I

25:28

feel like it was yeah let's let's do this and then there was a

25:38

pandemic boom like okay

25:45

it right yeah that was a kind of a whammy I had like about six months in La

25:51

getting settled in my apartment after drama yes after the drama we had a

25:57

little drama but I found a place I love like it was literally it looked like my Pinterest board before I got to La it

26:03

was exactly in the neighborhood I wanted in the style that I wanted it's so cool to think about cuz I always think about

26:08

things like just metaphorically and symbolically and like while you're curating the space like physically the

26:15

your environment like you're curating this life like this is what I wanted it to look like yeah and I went all out

26:23

like I loved decorating my home making it mine you know putting the pieces of

26:28

me that are important asking for help to do that for help so we worked on that

26:33

quite a bit we did and I was yeah I got help I got help with stuff and it was

26:39

just it was just like I'm filling out this space and it feels like a reflection of me yeah and I well the

26:46

space to is symbolic for you because you would shrink yourself in spaces right so

26:53

this is your opportunity really to take up space yeah and make your space and

26:59

make it authentic to you yeah yeah it

27:04

was and it um it still is still there I still have my well things have changed too but I

27:11

want to talk about so pandemic happen such a hard time such a hard time for

27:17

everybody um but the other I want to talk about the other major change and

27:22

transition that you made in your career oh yes so I

27:29

as we mentioned I moved out here with the job and you know if I'm being honest the job

27:37

was like to get me out to LA um for those listening

27:45

that a big cooporation um and it was rewarding like

27:51

I I had I did some work that I I did really love like genuinely love and I also felt really fortunate and blessed

27:59

to have work throughout the uninterrupted like right because that

28:04

was not the case for so so many people especially in my industry timing could not have been

28:11

actually better I was like okay this is pandemic I'm staying here like it was you know in

28:20

La where it's like sunny and warm versus yor yeah your walks were your your therapy besides our sessions like let me

28:27

take a walk let's go outside and um and just being able to you know working from home and like not not skipping a beat on

28:35

that was was really was really great um but after a while you know I well I got

28:41

really serious about Joy yes our joy list your joyist joy checklist became

28:47

everything to me because I you know was like I feel like we should create a manual of all the things that we came up

28:53

with because they're so good they function so well the tree the tree The

28:58

Roots everything so I'm like okay this I you know the pandemic was hard for so

29:05

many of us I was isolated and you know I I just yeah I was like what things bring

29:10

me joy what can I do for me that just gets me in a better place and so started

29:16

listing them out and and checking them off of that list and you know coming from a place of wanting joy and and like

29:23

buoyancy and balance so I can like meet oh I love that word buoyancy yeah wait and see so just um that helped

29:32

me believe myself you know it helped me

29:37

to um trust yeah that was a big word to we

29:44

worked through the values of trust remember too we talked about safety in a

29:50

way where it was like finding the safety within yourself yeah so I know safety

29:56

was one of our one of the words that would come up a lot when we talk about

30:01

you know my values and the definition changed because safy used to mean you know a

30:09

good stable job and this and that and it was like I no longer felt safe in the

30:16

space that used to occupy that word because it's like it's not safe for me

30:22

as a spirit as a person to like limit myself it's actually not safe I'm not happy I'm not

30:28

I'm not fulfilled I'm not even my best self here so I'm like let's let's find let's redefine sa yeah and and just

30:36

allowing yourself that flexibility to redefine something right just because it was safe once doesn't mean it's always

30:41

going to continue to be safe and that's just the the awareness and checking in with yourself and we redefined a lot of

30:47

things we redefined Security Financial otherwise we redefine success like we

30:53

changed a lot of definitions yeah and like you asked earlier like where does that even come from where did these

30:59

definitions come from they're not always intrinsic to self or even how you how you've

31:08

experienced life you know I'm like I'm going by this old model the checklist

31:13

the checklist like yeah it doesn't it doesn't actually meet me where I am so and that misalignment causes such

31:19

turmoil and without realizing sometimes we're just in this termoil and distress and we don't even know why and when you

31:26

get that Clarity and say well why misalign with my values like this doesn't feel safe anymore and that's I

31:31

think that's just the power of of therapy in any form that you do it or self-work in any way any form that you

31:37

do it yeah yeah it is is great yeah I mean yeah it can be so

31:44

great so great so yeah so then kind of coming to these new

31:51

definitions informing sort of what was next for you in your career yeah I am

31:59

I knew I had so it's interesting I was in New

32:04

York visiting family during the pandemic and um driving around the streets of

32:11

Brooklyn and it just like it just hit me the joy that I

32:17

felt just being in such a rich culture that New York provides and I was like it

32:24

was like that last 2% of something you know like I was like oh wait this is where I fell in love with film as an art

32:30

form was in New York and I think I had spent so much time working in television in this way that felt disconnected for

32:36

me but like returning to New York and like getting that reignited love was

32:42

like the missing piece of this puzzle and I realized I went back to my old notebooks and old documents I'm like oh

32:47

my God I have so many stories yes I have so many scripts that are just sitting there collecting dust you know digital

32:53

dust digal dust and I'm like what am I doing with my life I need to I need to

33:00

go it's time and so I um I made a plan and i' quit my job yeah yeah but so this

33:08

is important part to get before you quit your job you froze your eggs I

33:13

did which was part of the plan right because yeah financially there was the

33:19

you know means and and the benefits and all and I have so many clients and I think it's brilliant I think it's so

33:24

smart you know even when they're ready to leave a job they're like I'm not going to leave yet because they provide this benefit so if it's okay with you I

33:31

want to Pivot to the ache freezing part let's talk about it yes so share here so

33:38

I'm gonna I'm going to ask as if I don't know but I obviously know the whole journey so so share with me on the

33:43

audience sort of what started to formulate the decision to do

33:50

that um yeah it started let's see I remember the first

33:57

time I started hearing friends freezing eggs I was like in my mid-30s living and working in New York

34:05

in that relationship engaged and I felt like oh I don't need to do this because

34:10

I'm in a relationship right and we're talking about starting a family so it didn't make sense for me and then

34:17

everything you know kind of happening way it did and excuse me leaving the

34:23

relationship and leaving New York and all that stuff I was so caught up in

34:28

what I had to do it was right in front of me a pmic there was a job there was a this there was a life and I just wasn't

34:34

thinking about it and also I had gotten to a place where I wasn't completely 100% on board with the idea of having

34:41

children I wasn't sure and that's so normal too I think we need to normalize that more there are so many women that are un unsure and the things they say to

34:49

themselves about being inure unsure is so unkind like something is wrong with them shouldn't they have this maternal

34:54

Instinct and it's like no you know you don't have to and you don't have to be it's okay to not be sure about it okay

35:00

to not be sure and I I knew I didn't want to do it alone I was single and I was like you know

35:08

I I would if I do this I know it's a lot of work like the benefit of being like

35:13

over 40 and not having children as you've seen so many people do it yeah and there's no

35:19

disillusion so I'm like I know how hard that is I know it's a lot of work and

35:25

you know I I love my me time I love taking baths and you know you

35:31

know going on vacations and you know all this stuff so I'm like is this for me I

35:37

I wasn't completely sure and that was okay yeah

35:42

but I knew at the same time my clock was ticking yeah CET clock C

35:49

clock and so I'm like okay there is a part of me that does think I might want

35:55

to have children and so I was like okay well I have to then I have to date and then if I date I'm going to find the

36:02

right person and then just we're going to we're going to have children immediately but don't you feel like too

36:07

and I've seen this like with so many women I I froze in my relationship so I think that's a a an experience a

36:14

different experience but also the pressure it puts on yourself to date and how does that inform how you date how

36:20

does that inform how you show up on a date how does inform like the the ability to let the you know the process

36:27

full natur like it just changes so many way things about dating I'm laughing because you know this for the

36:35

listeners um at the time when I froze my eggs I was in a situation okay so let me

36:41

tell you what's so funny I'm I'm reviewing and I'm like okay I I know this obviously but I until starting this

36:49

podcast I didn't know that was a term because I guess I'm old and like not hip and not really on social media until

36:54

doing this podcast and I'm like writing it out and I'm like yeah that was a situation sh that was a situation was

37:00

definitely a situation ship and it started like innocently enough as like a Summer Fling it's like you know what

37:08

this isn't serious he's somebody I dated 20 years prior I know and he just popped

37:13

back up in my life and I was like oh this could be fun and we talked very

37:18

early about what we wanted in life and we I knew we were not aligned I was like okay he's not serious I would like

37:26

something more serious I was getting to that place because um you know after

37:31

moving to LA and starting over my life and then the pandemic like it took a while for me to actually feel and also

37:36

like doing all this work that we were doing together um just to develop myself and just to heal certain things like it

37:42

took a while before I felt ready for a relationship sure yes yeah and so I had begun to feel ready for a relationship

37:50

and I had started dating there was somebody I started dating um when I was in New York but I was in I came back to

37:56

LA and at didn't work out yeah but I remember see my memory I'm like I

38:02

remember we were doing virtual you were in the city but we were doing virtual session you're like I'm ready for love I'm ready for love and that was that

38:09

that was that situation situation yeah and I think if honestly if we lived in the same city we may have

38:14

worked out but we didn't so right it didn't and then I was a little bummed by

38:20

that and then Here Comes This like Blast from the Past out of nowhere and I was like you know what

38:25

this could be fun you know I me lighten up a little bit let just just let's just time take the pressure off but then it

38:33

became one thing after another you know you know he was going through a tough time I was there for him he started

38:39

changing his tune about what he might want in the future whole situation so I'm like okay

38:48

um am I sticking around to see if he'll come around but I it doesn't feel well

38:53

and that was that started to come up for you too right where it's like again this like misalignment like you felt it you

38:59

felt like am I am I dishonoring this part of me right am I dishonoring this

39:05

part of me that's really kind of clear on what you wanted at least in the relationship sense and like I think you

39:11

there was some abandonment happening of of that what you truly truly wanted yeah um no I definitely stretched myself

39:19

totally to meet him where he was because there is love there well yeah I was like oh well you know I didn't I didn't think

39:27

I never really thought that he and I would last as long as we did we ended up dating like eight months I know back on

39:32

I'm like how did that even happen because you know it was like the kind of carrot dangle of like

39:41

from him of like maybe I might to be in a relationship at some point I'm like

39:49

maybe oh my God I look back and I'm like oh my God but then like there was also

39:55

just life was happening and he was going through tough time with his family I felt like this is a bad time to abandon

40:00

him and then at I was also gearing up to leave my job and preparing to freeze my

40:07

eggs because my job did cover it well somewhat yeah some yeah they like

40:14

cover it 100% but you have to pay it up front and then they reimburse you but you get tax on the reimbursement oh my

40:20

God I know I'm like I feel like you know did you know that before um I did once

40:25

once I started making the phone calls that's what's so hard it's like just thinking about doing the egg freezing

40:31

going through the egg freezing and then having to deal with the financial piece of it or the insurance night nightmare piece of it it's just like another whole

40:38

layer to it yeah um but I was you know I was like okay but I'm I'm doing this you

40:44

know I knew for me like and it was because a friend of mine yes who will be

40:49

here on our podcast thanks to you at Haley Hall she she and I were just

40:54

hanging out one day and she said Alison have you ever considered freezing your eggs and I was like I mean I hadn't

41:01

thought about it in years but she's like she's like do it yeah do it I think that's so amazing I mean obviously this

41:07

is the intention of the podcast is just to cultivate these conversations and sort of pay it forward and I think it

41:12

can be really sensitive because you don't want to like I don't know plant a seed that someone's not ready to hear or

41:19

hold or what does it mean that you're suggesting that to me what does it mean about where I am in my life but I think

41:25

it's bigger than that it's like if you want to preserve this option like sorry I'm going just say it how it is like you

41:30

have you know like do it you you know or think about doing it or look into it at least have the information yeah so I

41:36

think that's she did you a very good she really did there really grateful for her and then I it opened up the conversation

41:43

for me to have with other people and then I started talking to other friends and like oh yeah I did it last year

41:49

isn't that incredible how that happens I didn't I had no idea so another friend of mine recommended her fertility doctor

41:57

to me and she was great and I'm like okay there's a whole community in a way of doing this that like and like just

42:04

sharing tips like my friend who recommended she said you know she recommended to me that I hire a nurse

42:10

injection and honestly I think for me that was the first time I heard that that from you that that was an option I

42:16

thought that was amazing because there are so many women that don't have a partner or maybe even a friend a best

42:22

friend that might do the shot like so I think it's so important to build your support system whatever that looks like

42:27

and at the time it was actually that same guy he was still around and I was like he lived in New York that's right

42:34

yeah yeah but I was like you know what he's here he can be useful so I asked him to come out and he did I remember

42:39

that that was a good thing that he did he like I I remember where that

42:46

story went but okay I know I know it was like oh right oh it was terrible but he

42:51

came out and just was there to just drive me to my appointments and just make me food and stuff so that was that

42:56

was helpful I think that's and I know that's something that you had worked on I remember from the very beginning of our work that was like a big thing like

43:02

the asking for help and like you know one of your homeworks was like pick one person ask them for something and so I

43:08

think it's you know to get to that place where you're asking this person and especially to come out and help you and

43:13

especially during this process it's like it's so it can be so isolating it can be so lonely it all these emotions come up

43:20

all these things confront you but ask for the help ask for help whatever you need and asking for the help might be

43:27

boundaries like certain friends that take energy or certain conversations you don't want to have like I think during

43:33

this like always but like during this process it's so sensitive and emotional it's like you have to safeguard yourself

43:40

and you have to just take care of yourself and ask for the help that you need or like put boundaries on the

43:45

people or help you don't want or need yeah yeah it's made such a difference of like

43:53

how I just experience because it was like it's a lot a lot lot of medication it's a lot of hormonal changes it's a

43:59

lot of uncertainty a lot of fear and so and I was I have my acupuncturist and she was great just helping kind of be

44:07

part of the team and that's such a huge I think um additional resource that is yeah like

44:15

even my uh fertility doctor she had they she actually there is an acupunctur who part of the practice oh my God that's

44:21

amazing I know and I was like oh that's great I was like well I already I see someone and I've already told her about

44:26

this she was like great as long as you're with someone and she was so collaborative about it I was like yes

44:32

this is well so you and I were talking about this off camera and I was like let's talk about this on camera but that more of that holistic approach and I

44:39

think in certain places it's it's lack I think there's certain things that

44:45

medical doctors will tell you or not tell you that could be helpful whether that is acupuncture whether that's

44:50

certain nutrition or supplements and I have an amazing acupuncturist in at home in New York and she had shared with me

44:57

we're actually having acupuncturist on tomorrow awesome um that they're trained in all like the medical stuff but

45:03

medical doctors are not trained in a holistic piece and so I think that's a gap that needs to be continue to be

45:09

bridged absolutely I cannot agree more I'm like we it's all medicine and you know we need to work

45:16

together and and there's like this misconception that like Western medicine is not plant-based or it's not whatever

45:23

it's not holistic and it's like but it it kind of is though penicillin is a fungus you know what I mean it's

45:30

like like there's so much overlap and we're pretending that there isn't you live in these binaries and it just like

45:36

makes me so frustrated because I think that's like everything we're talking about it's like everything is like it's in its box this is the way this is how

45:42

it's been this is how we do it yeah and it's like no we can shift we can be and

45:49

that's and even on the other side like sometimes they're holistic healers like go through who kind of roll their eyes at Western medicine and I'm like I want

45:56

us to talk yes let's be friends let's figure this out together because you know there's so

46:02

much information about the human body and everybody is different especially the a female body a cisgendered female

46:08

body it's like there's so it's so complex and it's like yes I'm always asking questions and I'm like I love the

46:14

information I love someone who can just like sit with me and explain to me what's going on in my body but I think

46:19

that's missing sometimes too like the time like I share with you my experience that I haven't talked about on here yet

46:25

but and I will like no one was communicating with me no one was talking with no one was answering my questions

46:32

so I think that's an important piece is like the advocation for yourself in these spaces like to make sure you have

46:38

a voice make sure you feel comfortable make sure people are answering your questions it's like so important it is

46:45

and like like I you know I would just get peace meal from like friends or different um healers I see or Google

46:52

searches and I'm like oh my God the Googling the Google oh my God I'm like who I'm not a scientist I'm not a doctor

46:59

I'm not an acupuncturist Google isn't either Google isn't either I'm like but there are these people who do have this

47:05

information like share just share with us you know yeah I know it's time consuming but like I think that's a big

47:11

part of what I do get from some of the more holistic naturopathic practitioners

47:17

is that willingness to talk and some medical doctors too will will give that but not not always and I think to be

47:24

fair to the medical doctors because I have spoken to quite a few is like there are ones that really want to be able to spend more time and they just can't and

47:31

I think that's one of their frustrations especially in the space where it's like because it's so emotional and so sensitive I think there are a lot of

47:37

great doctors that do want more time they just don't have it yeah I think that's that's probably more of a

47:43

structural know it's like the way we approach Health Care in this country has

47:49

so many yeah that could be like a very yes longer episode in podcast but um but

47:56

yeah for for me it was um you know I had my acupuncturist I was taking

48:02

CoQ10 you know I was doing meditations and yeah you really taking care of I was

48:07

really taking care of myself eating eating you know clean very Whole Foods and like just wanting to get myself in

48:14

the best possible situation because I'm like I I want to I want to do this and I want you know I want it to go well and

48:21

um and it was and it worked out it worked I had a friend um because the guy he had to go back to work so like it's

48:28

like a 10day process so I had a friend who was able to I stayed at her house she was able to drive me to and from my

48:34

apartment when the retrieval happened so I had a team in place and it it felt

48:40

like I was taking care of myself 100% And It Felt Like You know a relief when

48:47

it was done yeah I felt the same way reliefed like this huge weight is off and it's not the end of the road you

48:52

know but there's this one piece of it that's like off your shoulders and I do want you to share I think this is

48:58

important I want you to share how old you were when you froze I think that's an important piece and it's a it's a

49:04

hopeful piece because I think we'll share your age and then I want to talk about that so I was 41 yeah I think

49:10

that's amazing yeah which is you know older I was I couldn't remember I was like 41 or 42 41

49:17

41 and you know according to google google get know Google Dr Dr

49:25

Google I think I also had had some uh medical backup with this like 41 is actually an age where your um estrogen

49:32

spikes and then afterward like oh see I didn't even know that that's amazing so

49:38

I was like okay well I'm 41 now let's try it let's go and I I was happy with

49:43

the results you yeah you and and you know we talked about this or we shared this you know over emails like we don't

49:49

really talk about numbers because that comparison piece comes in it could be triggering for people but I think it's

49:54

important to just say for your Age based on what we hear and what we know and like 35 is the cut off or whatever so

50:02

you were very you were very successful in your retrieval so I think that's really inspiring and hopeful for women

50:09

that are like well I'm 40 41 I can't even do this anymore like there's still time still time of Hope and I remember

50:15

there was discussion of you know whether or not to do embryos or eggs and I had that discussion too I did I just did

50:22

eggs yeah yeah yeah it's like

50:27

you know you know it's like you do the embryos and who knows you know

50:33

with somebody said what about the guy no not the guy who was dating at the time

50:38

we had a do the doctor we had and she's great a doctor not brow she said always go egg if like you're not in a committed

50:45

she's like always go eggs yeah and I even thought about a friend of mine who you know is is a man has no no plan of

50:52

having children I even thought to ask him and I I eventually was like another friend talked me out of it she was like

50:58

you know he's gonna want to be in that child's life and if you want to pick up a move to Paris what's he I'm like oh

51:04

you're right that like just knowing him and who he is he's such a giving loving person so yeah so I just decided then I

51:11

was like the egg the sperm donor thing it just felt like a lot you know yeah

51:18

just another layer another layer I was like let me just go ahead and freeze these eggs and yeah I it was it was a

51:24

good number especially for my for my age at the time and so yeah now I'm

51:31

43 and they're there on Ice okay okay yes and um yeah

51:39

afterwards I healed excuse me I I was able to heal

51:45

from the retrieval ended the

51:52

situationship a moment of silence a moment of silence we learned after what we learned after

51:59

that and then I I remember I was and then I quit my job it was like boom boom

52:06

boom it was like everything happened so quickly yeah it was like okay I'm done and I remember like I put my my my end

52:14

date in you know I gave him about a months no but like I hadn't been reimbursed yet for my EGS I was like on

52:20

the phone with I'm like when is this reimburse coming back in cuz I'm not about to be an employee anymore like so

52:26

we had to like xite but I got that money back and um

52:31

yeah I I quit my job end of the situationship eggs in the freezer and I

52:39

I remember that summer I like was like I want to have a proper summer vacation and I haven't had a summer vacation

52:45

since I was like 12 so I'm like so I like took my summer I travel I spent

52:50

time with my family and I just remember coming back from all

52:57

of that feeling so ready in a different way feeling so

53:04

ready for love and partnership just feeling very clear

53:12

about it and it coming from a place not of like oh I mean yeah there was a

53:18

little bit of like look at all these other habit bubbles you know but then there was also like that's real too I

53:24

think that's so real too I think that's to normalize that like the comparative pce or you know like i' like that for

53:31

myself too or everybody else is doing this and I think that that happens like and it's normal yeah and it didn't have

53:38

the pressure on it of like gotta have these kids yeah immediately I mean yes

53:46

but like it felt just different it just felt like I remember like I came back to LA

53:54

and I just completely revamped my my dating profiles on the apps and I like

54:01

research like what's the most effective Google again Google again my

54:06

girlfriend like you know I talk to other people who were on dating apps and just heard the different methods of you know

54:12

people people use them in all sorts of ways yeah which I think you know people I think they love them or hate them but

54:17

I think that if you can find a way that to engage with them that feels healthy for you like they're tool they're tool

54:23

but you know I think the Readiness is so important and this is what we want to talk about here is like honoring your

54:29

own timeline and I think letting go of like where you should be at what time

54:34

and all the pressures because until you're really ready and whatever ready means for you healed clear on what you

54:41

want values goals like it's harder to meet somebody and from the place of Readiness I think it's like you can

54:47

invite somebody in yeah or see somebody more clearly yeah no totally like 100%

54:54

because I CU my first start on the I was like what is this this is this is trash

54:59

I was like dating in La is really hard like there's nobody out here for me and it just I wasn't getting that and it's

55:05

so interesting because like it's a combination of the universe and the algorithms like I'm like what like I got

55:13

very clear it came across on my page my page was much more clear also it was

55:18

much lighter yeah was much more like it was much more just like fun and like if

55:24

I were to meet someone like out in the world like they used to do in the olden days like it would just IRL IRL that

55:30

would be like a light-hearted thing so my page was much more lighthearted but also clear yeah I made it like and I

55:37

also knew for myself that I do want kids oh hope so you got Clarity got Clarity

55:42

on that I was like I spent a lot of time you know you know working with myself and

55:48

with you and figuring out who I really am like the awareness part kind of moved

55:53

into the authenticity part and I'm like okay okay I'm aware of what's going on now what now like I'm able to like

56:02

pinpoint you know where I'm triggered or where you know this like hurt voice is

56:08

speaking or whatever and then it's like okay get that out of the way like it just kind of blows the smoke away I was

56:15

able to really see myself it's like I know that I am ready for a partnership I

56:20

know that I would I would really love to be a mother I know that I

56:26

have I have a lot of stories to tell and so for me that meant like I so long in

56:34

television worked in like Creative Marketing which is like when and I still kind of do like professionally like I'll

56:40

get hired for those types of jobs as a director which is great but it's like oh but I'm ready to transition into you

56:46

know making my own films which I'm doing now you know so it's like okay I want I want to tell my own stories in my own

56:53

way yeah and so um yeah I just got very clear and then it was so I mean I tell

57:00

you Beth it was like night and day the people who would show up on the apps for me like I got new people I'm like who

57:08

are these I think there's so much power and Truth in that right when you just open your vision or you change your energy around it yeah then it invites

57:16

something completely different in completely different that's good for anyone listening yeah good piece of

57:22

advice daating advice it is and it was hinge hinge was the app people were like what you want was it you know I liked I

57:27

liked hinge the most like I felt like it was um like the prompts and like the

57:33

openness and discussions and so um I dated one guy briefly it was like cute

57:40

but it wasn't quite it and then I met another guy and so yes tell us where you

57:47

are now right so we've gone through this whole journey all these Transformations all this healing growth bravery to leave

57:54

New York bravery to leave your corporate job to freeze your eggs tell everybody where and me because we haven't caught

58:01

up like where where are you now yeah so I met Arend and he like remember I said

58:09

before like when I was getting when I was engaged like that was just like a checklist of stuff that yeah you know

58:15

with him it felt like I was clear and

58:20

what I wanted and also open so I would get these like like you know I like my

58:26

my gardening I'd be out in the Gard oh that's another one of our metaphors we always use the gardening always the metaphor and I feel like the garden had

58:32

messages for me and I would get these flashes when I was gardening of like a

58:38

man who comes with a child who lives further up the coast like I was that's

58:44

exactly yeah what I was like okay and this is when your you know gardening is where meditative like open and then I

58:50

also knew the kind of man that I wanted and I was just like it was n about like

58:56

get the man get the house it was like I got very clear on how I want to feel in

59:02

their relationship how I want to show up to to you know for myself and for this

59:09

person yeah and how I want this person to show up for me and I think what was so valuable for you too and for anybody

59:15

is like the communication piece is so huge and like you just found your voice along the way like yeah unafraid to

59:23

express yourself to be vulnerable to up I think we talked about that too because

59:28

I found that for myself in familiar settings like my family life friendships work yeah but like the next Frontier is

59:36

like in the context of a relationship oh my gosh yeah we totally talked about it in that way yeah oh my gosh and so it's

59:42

like you know use all the tools you know the right it was like you have the tool right I remember this it's like I have

59:50

and it's helped me because you know we we have this beautiful relationship we've been together about a year and a

59:55

half and our communication is really um it feels like the backbone of

1:00:03

the relationship because it's like we're two individuals coming from different areas and like you know couples have

1:00:11

disagreements we have um challenges but like we're able to talk about them and

1:00:18

like really listen and really Express and really get to like where where is

1:00:23

coming from yeah understanding understanding and I think about now like the version

1:00:29

of you that came to my office when we first started and I think if that version of

1:00:36

you was in this Rel I don't know if you would have had the tools to do all of

1:00:41

the things that you or to listen and to communicate and to find understanding

1:00:46

like I just think there's just you've grown in such a way that allows you to be successful in this relationship yeah

1:00:52

no I think I definitely used to run and hide and sometimes that comes out and I'll just do a check-in check it yeah oh

1:00:59

I'm doing okay okay and just reset and just have those cical conversations you

1:01:05

know that's a big part of it all and um so it's helped us and he's you know

1:01:12

we've uh we've moved in together yes excited I know I now live up and I know

1:01:19

that's why it was a journey for you to get here today but I'm so appreciative that you made the track I to come I had to come I'm coming and um he has a a

1:01:26

daughter five-year-old daughter and she and I have gotten really close amazing sweet and like and even his ex-wife you

1:01:33

know she's in she's obviously part of his life and obviously their daughter's life and like we've developed our own

1:01:40

that's so nice friendship because it's like we're all in this together and we're all influential in this little

1:01:46

girl's life and it's like we can talk we can we can go out for lunch just the two

1:01:51

of us I think that's so amazing because I think what can be challenging is you there's these visions that we have of

1:01:58

the way it should be or the way again if we're not clear like we think that we

1:02:03

want it to be and maybe a very traditional vision and so it can be hard to open ourselves up to something that

1:02:08

looks different but something different can be so beautiful it really can I was terrified at first like oh my god he has

1:02:15

a daughter that daughter comes with a mother all I heard is baby mama drama like I've heard so much of it I'm like

1:02:21

oh I don't want I'm afraid I'm afraid and it's just like it's doesn't have to be that way and the more I talk about it

1:02:28

it's another like I think it's another taboo because the more I talk about it the more stories I hear isn't it just

1:02:34

invites people to share it's incredible right because so many people like go through these things in isolation or

1:02:40

silence and so once someone is willing to be vulnerable and share someone's like okay like me too or I've been

1:02:46

through it or I've frozen my eggs or you know I just met somebody that has kids I'm not sure so I think it's there

1:02:52

there's so much power in conversation is it really is and I think people also expect me to be to for there to be angst

1:02:58

and so they're let down when there isn't I'm like you're like no actually it's really great and I'm really great so so

1:03:05

yeah it's I'm not without his challenges you know like anything but like next month I have an appointment oh I knew it

1:03:11

because you tell me you're G to share share some news we are we've just we've discussed it at length and we do want to

1:03:18

start trying for a baby oh my God I'm going to hug you off camera but oh my

1:03:25

God yeah yeah I'm so happy for you I'm so happy me too I'm like I'm a little

1:03:31

like oh my gosh this is really happening because I'm like oh yeah I'm I'm I'm

1:03:37

ready I see he's such a great father you know and the way that we are with each

1:03:43

other we we've seen each other as parent as co-parents already and it's

1:03:49

like that mystery is gone of like I mean it's different obviously with a baby but like we know we're

1:03:56

good good when there's another person around who's little so it's like we can

1:04:01

so you're going next month going next month just to begin just to you know get all the tests done and just talk to my

1:04:09

doctor about it and figure out the the the real question is do I

1:04:14

work with the frozen eggs or do I work with my current eggs okay yeah well I would love I mean I don't want this to

1:04:21

end but I would love for you to come back and share what that journey is like for you because I think it's it's again

1:04:27

right the conversation so helpful to know we talk a lot about egg freezing but I want to start talking more about

1:04:33

what what happens when we decide to do something with these I'm so thrilled for

1:04:38

you you it's so so incredible I'm happy to yeah before we wrap up one thing you

1:04:45

would share with the audience one way you would say how you would quiet your clock to to to all the people listening

1:04:58

I feel like it's a different answer for so many different people let me think about this okay say one way one way you

1:05:03

did for yourself and maybe that obviously came through and everything that we've talked about today but like if you could do a little like snippet of

1:05:11

really what it meant for you honestly I I gotta say

1:05:17

meditation is so important of just being able to quiet your own thoughts yeah

1:05:25

because really the the clock is just another I mean yes there is a biological part of it but if you could it's hard to

1:05:34

like silence everything but you could really just really get quiet within yourself and listen to your spirit it's

1:05:41

a different conversation oh and and I think things can move for you

1:05:46

differently if you're tapped into that territory yeah and it's not you know

1:05:51

it's you're not alone anymore it feels like

1:05:57

it feels I don't know for me it feels like if you're able to tap into something so

1:06:02

authentically true it just it's no longer just what's

1:06:10

in front of you that yeah it's working yeah you know it feels like there's something um there's something I can't

1:06:17

quite explain or place a finger on that that does move things around yeah for

1:06:23

you so I I would say get quiet within yourself yeah quiet your voice so you

1:06:29

can quiet your clock your thoughts yeah oh thank you so much for being here

1:06:35

thank you so much for choosing me as your therapist so honored to know you so

1:06:40

honored to see and proud and happy to see where you are now I appreciate you so much appreciate you so much so good

1:06:47

to see you too you too so I am no longer a coffee drinker coffee is something I

1:06:53

gave up in revamping my diet for my fertility Health which is very hard to

1:06:58

do but luckily I found something amazing to replace it with and that's my morning matcha that I use cooly cooly meringa

1:07:05

for it gives me that same ritualistic feeling of having something warm in my hands in the morning without the

1:07:13

caffeine and I have loved having that as a replacement for my coffee I love this product so much it is delicious and I

1:07:21

honestly don't miss my coffee so if you want an opportunity to check out coly cooly mer

1:07:26

you can use our code QTC 25 for 25% off your first purchase hey guys I'm back

1:07:32

thank you so much for tuning in to quiet the clock if you want to hear more episodes and learn more about how to

1:07:38

dismantle societal timelines live life on your own terms live life fully And authentically subscribe to our Channel

1:07:44

on YouTube and you can also follow us on Instagram and Tik Tok at Qui the clock pod

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