Swipe Right on Love and Egg Freezing

I am somebody who feels better when I have information even if that information isn't what I want or like

0:07

isn't in this case it was a pretty easy conversation like the numbers were with

0:12

well within ranges that they were happy about like it wasn't a a tough conversation but even if it was having

0:20

had tough conversations about things in the past unrelated to fertility I know that I feel better when I just have the

0:28

information

0:34

[Music]

0:39

I am very excited to welcome our next guest Ally Jackson she is the host of the podcast finding Mr height and she

0:46

has incredible incredible content on Instagram talking all about dating and giving great dating advice answering

0:52

questions and sharing her own dating on on the podcast so lots to talk about

0:57

today but before we jump in I'd love to hear what inspired you to start your podcast and the name which is so

1:04

incredible yeah thank you um I am happy to be here um so I am six feet tall so

Starting the Podcast and the Name

1:10

that's where the height comes from it's just a pun finding Mr Wright finding Mr height I'm tall you know I think when I

1:17

first started talking about my dating life on Instagram I did not anticipate it being turning into a business if I

1:24

had I probably would have called it something different but here we are um I love so clever it's so clever thank you

1:33

uh so that's the name comes from I started like I said I started out just talking about my own dating life on

1:39

Instagram and talking about dates I was going on and ways that I wanted to be intentional about dating and feel

1:45

authentic about dating and we just kind of like talking into the void at first and it just sort of started getting

1:51

traction and I realized that there was a community of people who really wanted to hear more about how I was thinking about

1:58

dating and here we we are oh my gosh yeah I we were looking at your I've been looking at your Instagram and that's how

The Premise of the Podcast and the Egg Freezing Journey

2:04

we we connected and we connected also through Julia and it's so helpful to be having these conversations but before we

2:11

get into the dating one of the other reasons I wanted to have you on here and and sort of the premise of this podcast

2:17

quiet the clock is talking about sort of debunking the societal Milestones um and

2:22

one of those being the you know the biological clock and you have shared on your podcast your egg freezing Journey

2:28

so I would love to start there because I think and when you and I had the opportunity to speak you know previously

2:35

we talked about the importance of cultivating more conversation around this and sharing more because it's it's

2:43

getting a lot better but I know when I froze that it was limited like I only knew one person that froze I there

2:49

wasn't a ton of information out there and it felt really lonely and isolating so I'd love to start with your egg

2:56

freezing Journey sort of how you learned about egg freezing your journey to your

3:01

decision to do it and your experience overall yeah so I used to think that I

3:08

wanted kids like of course in that kind of way right like of course I want kids yeah doesn't everybody want kids like I

3:13

used to just it was a given and I think that a lot of women feel that way

3:18

especially when they're younger that like Society just says like yeah that's what you do you grow up you get married you have kids and as I got older

Discovering Fertility Testing and Conversations

3:26

especially into my like late 20s and I started to have friends who had kids I

3:32

started to question whether or not that was a given for me and I started to think you know maybe I don't or I'm not

3:38

really sure and you know it's it's a question mark and then but that's kind of as far

3:44

as I went with it and then I went to a conference for my corporate job at the

3:49

time and it was a conference that was specifically geared toward women it had

3:55

women owned and founded businesses had booths there and one of them was a fertility clinic oh and they were

4:03

offering free fertility testing and free conversations with fertility specialists

4:08

at that conference about your numbers your levels you know what all of it

4:14

means all that kind of thing so just one question quickly well before you had you

4:19

thought about doing that before being at this in okay no not even at all and I I

Lack of Fertility Conversations with Gynecologists

4:26

think something that I didn't really realize before having those conversations at that conference was

4:33

that it had never come up in any of my conversations with my gynecologist ever

4:39

yeah I on your on your episode where you talk about it on your podcast I I yeah

4:44

that caught my ear because I think that's a lot of people's women's experiences and I think you had said you'd seen seven or multiple

4:52

gynecologists in different states various places and no one had started that conversation with you no one and

5:00

and I think there's a certain way to do it like I wouldn't have wanted somebody to be like well are you going to have kids and when are you going to have kids

5:05

and but I would have appreciated just uh hey do you want to talk about fertility well I think there's so much

5:13

you know that we don't know and having someone tactfully you know introduce the

5:19

idea to us would be so helpful and I I agree with what you're saying I think there's a really appropriate way to be

5:24

doing that or having those conversations because I've had other women on here you know just newly 30 and they did have a

5:31

gynecologist share that and they were like whoa whoa whoa like I didn't realize I'd be ushered into this conversation already so I I think there

5:39

is a nice balance but yeah it's hard when it's not mentioned at all right so

5:45

it didn't even occur to me I didn't actually know until that conference that there was anything that I could do to

5:53

just investigate what my situation might be I know you're not alone you're not

5:59

alone I didn't I didn't know anything even at 37 was the first time I even like knew my numbers like talked to a

6:06

doctor about this which is you know later later in life but yeah there's

6:11

there's still such a gap of information and knowledge yeah so so that I was I

6:17

think 30 when this happened when I went to this conference and I they literally were drawing blood like at the

Attending a Conference and Starting the Egg Freezing Process

6:23

conference in the booth um and so then I had a follow-up

6:29

appointment that was part of that kind of offer that was free and learned about it and discovered more about not only

6:36

what the you know hormone levels and stuff they were testing for meant but also what potential options could be if

6:43

I wanted to explore more and at the time based on the conversation I had with the provider I was like okay I think I'm

6:48

okay for right now like I you know really appreciated all this information glad I know it

6:54

exists I think I'm all right for the for the moment what was it like for you to then now have that knowledge to know

7:01

your numbers to know the options what did it feel overwhelming or were you happy to have that information what was

7:08

that like for you I was super happy to have it I'm I am somebody who feels better when I have information even if

7:15

that information isn't what I want or like isn't yes and in this case it was a

7:21

pretty easy conversation like the numbers were with well within ranges that they were happy about like it

7:26

wasn't a a tough conversation but even if it was having had tough conversations

7:32

about things in the past unrelated to fertility I know that I feel better when I just have the information absolutely

Feeling Better with Information and Decision to Freeze Eggs

7:39

yeah I'm I am a huge believer in that and knowing is better than not knowing totally so just having just having like

7:47

a not a plan but an idea of what a plan could be was really helpful for me yeah

7:54

so that was you said 30 and if I'm correctly you froze at 34 so what was 30

8:02

to 34 like in regards to thinking about this and then eventually deciding to do

8:07

it so I wasn't really thinking about it for like I would say 30 to 32 and then

Thinking About Egg Freezing and Decision to Start

8:15

when I turned 30 or not was before I turned 32 but when I was thinking about

8:21

um in I was my 32nd year when I was thinking about like all of the conversations that I'd

8:27

had about you know fertility thus far and I was started to date somebody and

8:32

we had started to talk about you know do you want kids do I want kids and I was like oh you know I did get my hormones

8:37

tested a while back and maybe I should kind of revisit that conversation and I started to think about egg freezing in a

8:45

more concrete way and I had kind of decided that I would kick off the beginning parts of it

8:53

and that was February of 2020 oh so

9:00

a lot of other people were in much worse situations because there were people who had who were like Midstream and had to

9:05

stop or how yeah how upsetting totally yeah for me I had just started to think

9:10

like okay I was gonna call and make an appointment to to kick things off and then that didn't happen yeah um and so I

9:19

ended up freezing in April of 2021 okay so basically waited until

9:24

elective procedures were happening again which was a while into 2020 um and then I play competitive

Timing and Considerations for Egg Freezing

9:30

volleyball and so I I had to time it in terms of how long I was going to be out

9:36

like there's a certain periods of the year that are better versus others um so that thing because life keeps happening

9:43

even if you're egg freezing and I do want I talk about that but yeah it's

9:48

hard to know what's the right time because you have to be at the doctors you have to do shots at a certain time

9:54

and it's can be consuming yeah and the other thing there were just so many things things that I didn't know and

10:01

having all of the information was so critical like being

10:06

able to I shocked around also I I ended up going to the fertility clinic that I had gotten my original hormone test from

10:13

oh my gosh so yeah I yeah I want to talk about that because I think that's really important to to mention and when I froze

10:20

my eggs and I literally can't remember how I landed on extend fertility and I

10:26

think there are various more options now now but I I don't know how he landed there but I I love that you did and I

10:33

want to talk about that you did your due diligence and I think it's so important for women to do that and to feel seen

10:40

heard comfortable with wherever they are because it is such a vulnerable experience and and I think it's

10:47

important that in the same as and we'll get to some dating stuff but in finding a therapist or finding someone that is

Choosing a Fertility Clinic and Personalized Experience

10:54

going to see you through these really vulnerable experiences it's so important to feel comfortable with where you are

11:01

and I think if that means and i' be curious how many clinics you spoke to but if that means speaking to like five

11:06

or six until you land on one so important yeah I spoke to five I ended

11:13

up visiting like actually iners talking to two um the one that I had originally

11:18

had my consultation with that I already knew I felt comfortable there um and

11:24

then one other one and I found that there were sort of two types of of the

11:30

places that I was researching I researched many more than those five ended up actually speaking to the five

11:35

there were some I wanted a balance of a place that had a lot of experience and

11:42

that could give me data on their results

Balancing Experience and Personalization in Fertility Clinics

11:47

and you know their freezing processes and you know how many successful pregnancies have they had and you know

11:53

all of I wanted that data but I wanted a more personalized experience at the same

11:59

time and I found that there weren't that many places that combined those two things where I either felt like it was

12:07

like a factory turning people out and therefore they had a lot of expertise and a lot of data yeah but it felt

12:15

very yeah I've had so many women on here that said like this conveyor conveyor

12:21

belt feeling which is so hard yeah so I didn't want that but then I felt like

12:27

there were a lot of more Boutique places that had a really personalized approach but they don't have as much experience

12:33

because they're small so I I wanted kind of a combination of the two um like I

12:38

said ended up going with the clinic that I had originally been exposed to um but a lot of that came down to my

12:45

interactions with not only the doctor but also all of the support staff the nurses the patient care coordinators

12:51

that are like the ones helping you get appointments like you don't realize how important every single person is to your

12:58

ultimate experience and the communication piece is so huge right if you if you have a question or you write

13:04

an email like how quickly are people getting back to you how again feeling heard if you and because I mean I

Importance of Communication and Support in Fertility Clinics

13:10

imagine for you too like so many questions come up even while you're going through it so to feel like you

13:16

have contact and someone to be like I had a I had a really bad like medication

13:21

mixup my first night of doing it and I was like I was on a I was like spiraling

13:28

out of control and then I was able to get the doctor on the phone who like obviously walked me through you know I thought I the whole thing up and

13:35

you know they walk you off the off the ledge but yeah that all those touch points are so important yeah exactly and

13:42

I just I so I felt really comfortable there and the the thing that I the I

13:48

mean there were a lot of things that I didn't know going in because I knew very little about it but the thing that surprised me the most was how little

13:55

control I had over the timing of everything as a person who is very

14:00

scheduled and you know like I said I I purposefully waited for a certain time

14:06

of year to do this because there's a you know volleyball Seasons Etc and I didn't realize how little

14:13

control I was going to have over even when I could start yeah but you could do

14:18

you mean in terms of waiting for your period and being yeah yeah yeah well the other thing is so some places and this

14:25

is one of the reasons why I went with the clinic that I did some places start all of their Cycles on the same day no matter what oh I didn't know that I

14:32

didn't know that wow how yeah how is that possible if everyone's period some

Lack of Control and Timing in the Egg Freezing Process

14:38

people started on the same day no matter what some clinics do that's the conveyor belt approach sure 100% yeah like no

14:45

thank you but the other thing is I actually don't get a period because I have an IUD okay and so I had to go in

14:53

to get my blood tested every day so that they could figure out when I was quote

14:59

unquote starting my per go so your process started yeah wow certainty it's I mean

15:05

there is we talk a lot about this and we have talked a lot about this too there is so much uncertainty going into this

15:12

process not only like the timing of things but like will it work how many

15:17

eggs will I get will it be enough eggs that I feel comfortable with so yeah managing that uncertainty is a huge

15:23

piece of it yeah and I I actually got also a very big surprise when I um went

15:30

in to do all of that testing to first like get it started so we did all the

Unexpected Challenges and Uncertainty in the Egg Freezing Process

15:36

blood work right I'm going in every day to figure out like where you at in your cycle Etc and they're like all right you're at the right point we're going to

15:42

start you we just need to do this urine test and then Etc and I went back in on the day that I

15:48

thought I was going to be starting I thought they were going to be giving me my meds and I was going to be going home and you know and starting this whole

15:54

process and I go in I don't know why they made me go in but I go in and they

15:59

told me that I had chyia oh and I hadn't been sexually active in

16:06

seven months whoa so it was had so Not only was I like I've had this for a

16:14

while that's bad like panicking because you know untreated chadia can can get

16:21

it's easy to treat but like untreated it can be really bad yes and I'm like oh my God like that literally it had to be

16:27

seven months to go so I was curveball because you're going in there thinking

16:33

you're going to start and you get this news and then not only do you get this news you're not starting right so I like

16:39

couldn't start the egg freezing had to go on on antibiotics for that then was also freaking out that my fertility

16:46

would be affected by that because that's one of the side effects of untreated chamia and luckily it hadn't progressed

16:54

but like because I didn't have any symptoms I had no idea well yeah yeah and so so then I had to get

17:02

retested and I was like I I I swear to you I've been taking the meds I I still

17:08

haven't had sex with anyone it's still been seven months like I don't I don't have it anymore and I just remember I

17:15

went in to like start to take the the to like get my meds again and they were

17:21

waiting for the results of my like second year in test and I glanced down at the chart that I like definitely

17:27

wasn't supposed to see and it said like urine results pending patient claims will be

17:35

negative my God great claims she claims it'll be negative but we don't believe

17:42

her she claim she has but like and I can't really blame them because I didn't know I had it in the first

17:50

place so anyway all that to say that like so much

17:55

is out of your control oh oh my God so much and you know and then even when you are finally

18:02

able to start I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to know when my retrieval would be I know that's what's

18:08

so hard and when I was doing mine so I I'm a therapist and so you know I have

18:13

my schedule and my clients depend on their time slots and most are like weekly and set and so you're just

18:19

juggling the whole thing of like you know for the most part with the the morning appointments I could get there

18:25

early and it wouldn't screw up my day too much but with the retri was like you know and I wasn't sharing that at that

18:30

time with my clients but I was like of course up it's like am I going to have to cancel this entire day that's like

18:36

yeah the not being able to plan and to schedule is so tough yeah and I'm I'm

18:42

very lucky that I was working in an environment that was very open and my boss is a woman and so she I she knew I

18:50

was going through this process she knew that I was going to basically find out on a Thursday that I would have to do

18:56

get surgery on a Friday like it was going to be very sudden and yeah that's great so she understood the other

19:01

curveball is that if you're going through this process by yourself you don't have a built in person to pick you

19:07

up yeah then you have last minute that they yeah exactly so not only did I have

19:12

to contend with the fact that my retrieval was going to be last minute but I also had to have a friend be on

19:18

constant standby that they might have to pick me up yeah that's yeah it's again

19:24

like the lack of planning and uncertainty and you know for a a lot of women that you find themselves freezing

19:32

like we like control we like we're ambitious like we plan we're go-getters

19:37

we like these like goal oriented things that are like clear and tangible and then you're in this process and it's

19:43

it's none of that it's none of that yeah exactly I wanted to go back to what you

Dealing with Dating Burnout and Taking Breaks

19:51

had mentioned earlier because I think a lot of women find their themselves here too is not knowing whether they not or

19:57

or not not they want children and I'm curious about any narratives

20:03

you've held around that I know some women and I've worked with clients that feel like something's wrong with them if

20:08

they don't know which is certainly not true or the case and I think it's sort of you know breaking down like these

20:14

societal norms and everything we're talking about milestones and timelines and Womanhood being synonymous with

20:20

motherhood and you know I'm curious if you felt any way about I'm curious about

20:25

two things if you felt any way about not knowing and maybe processed and arrived

20:31

somewhere differently and I'm also curious about just some of the emotional pieces of this any narratives you held

20:37

about egg freezing at at your age or or you know just the emotional components

20:43

of it for you I think I have never felt on my own any type of way about not

Uncertainty about Wanting Children and Dealing with External Pressure

20:50

knowing in fact like I think it makes a lot of sense not to be sure given that I

20:56

don't have a partner currently and I don't want to raise children with just anybody so because I don't like to

21:04

me it makes total sense that because I don't know if I am going to meet a partner that I think will make a good

21:10

co-parent because there are plenty of people that I that could be fantastic Partners but not fantastic parents a

21:16

thousand per. so like because I don't know that it feels impossible to know if I want kids to me like that feels like

21:24

it makes sense like yeah I don't know if I will ever meet somebody that I want to co-parent with therefore and I think

21:30

that's such a real thing we had another guest on here that had that same feeling like wanting to know like not fully

21:37

formed on the idea for the same reason she's like well I want to find somebody I would want to do that with and right

21:43

think for me I I didn't meet my partner Rob until 34 and you know I was kind of I was

21:50

buying into the like I'm at it I'm running out of time I'm behind I was in all those narratives which is you know

21:56

what inspired me to do this podcast is to be talking about all this stuff and at that point I was kind of like you

22:01

know what if these things are not meant for me I'm going to still have a happy life and then I met him and you know our

22:07

relationship was is was really really great it's still really great and I and about a few years in I'm like oh I I do

22:14

want to do this with him and that gave me that Clarity so I agree with everything you're saying on that in

22:19

terms of the partner helping give Clarity on that that decision yeah and

22:25

and it's a decision that I want to co-author with someone like I want to be making that decision

22:31

with someone and not have it be something that I've already decided or that they've already

22:37

decided and I want us both if we do decide to have kids be really excited about it

22:43

like I certainly if I'm feeling iffy on it I shouldn't do it yeah you know

22:48

that's that's such a good point too because after I had my son at 40 and after having him I'm like you got to

22:54

really want to do this because it's incredible and great but it is it's hard it's hard it seems really hard like and

23:02

literally like it's more great than hard but it's definitely it's definitely hard yeah and and people like laugh when I

23:09

say that when they're like why don't you know if you want kids and I'm like because it seems really hard like and and I and that that's just

23:18

true and I just don't know if I want to do that and so for me I have never felt

23:24

like oh why don't I know other people though have made me feel shitty for not knowing for

23:30

sure really that's so hor I think one of people who are close to me and know me well yeah

23:38

projection it's typically it's people who it's people who really want kids who are typically judgy about people who

Being Comfortable with Not Knowing and Dealing with Judgment

23:45

don't know or sometimes don't well yeah because it's like you're more comfortable in that and confident in

23:52

where you're at you know in the not knowing and I think that you know the uncertainty if you really know you want

23:58

kids and you're not you're you're like you know don't know if it's happening for you I think it's easy to displace

24:03

and project on other people but I think in so many regards other people can make us feel shitty about where we are or

24:09

where we're not whether that's like why are you single like I got that question so many times and I want to be like

24:17

off I have no idea you know you're just making me feel worse like I don't want to be single or you know Rob and I are

24:23

together eight years and we have our son but we're not married so like we've got I think have stopped asking us now but

24:29

they're like are you guys going to get married or you know it's all these like external pressures when when that are

24:34

not helpful and we probably you know certainly hold our own internal judgments and pressures for sure yeah so

24:43

I think that that has been the thing that I've noticed the most is that other

24:49

people are uncomfortable with my gray answer what do you what do you

24:57

say to those people because I'm sure a lot of women could relate to that to feeling comfortable in you know where

25:03

they stand on things or they're uncertainty and they're okay with that but feeling like other people are not

25:10

what do you what do you say to those people I ultimately have come to basically being like you know what you

25:16

don't need to understand like I I get that you don't understand frankly I don't get why you really do want

25:23

kids back at you but I don't need to and you conversely don't need to understand

25:30

why I'm not sure because actually we're not partners and therefore our decision

25:36

on children has no bearing on the other person absolutely that's perfect I love that response any any other so so you

25:45

went through this single were you dating at the time at all or I was going on

25:51

date but I wasn't dating anybody consistently at the time so like I went on first dates during my EG freezing

25:58

process but nobody where it made sense to like tell them what was going on and do you it was so okay so when you

Dating While Going Through the Egg Freezing Process

26:06

were on dates were you like having to get home to do your shots what time were you doing your shots n not so much

26:13

because I was doing them at like 10 10:30 p.m. so it was like kind of worked

26:18

out um I think I think I went on like two maybe maybe only one I know I wanted

26:24

at least one maybe two first dats and no no second dates in that time period so there wasn't really anybody where like

26:31

they had needed to know yeah do you share that now that's this is a question

26:36

that comes up a lot so I want to ask you and and you give a lot of great dating advice um do you share now when you're

26:43

on dates with with first second that you've frozen your eggs is that something that you bring up I I don't

26:50

bring it up but I mention it if it comes up okay so and I'll usually mention it

26:58

very quickly in passing like if we're talking about having kids or whether we want to have kids I'll in as part of my

27:06

answer my answer is I'm not sure yet and I could see a really beautiful life having kids I could see a really

27:11

beautiful life not having kids and love that I don't know which of those lives I will have yet I did freeze my eggs a

27:18

couple years ago though oh that's such a great answer have you had any like what

27:24

have those responses been when you share that like

27:30

okay you know I had one I had one guy that I went out with who was very sure that he wanted kids and my answer was a

Sharing Egg Freezing Journey on Dates

27:36

deal breaker for him not the not the fact that I'd frozen eggs but just that I wasn't sure yeah like which like he

27:42

was yeah he was looking for somebody who was very sure which is his prerogative

27:47

um and glad that he knew that about himself so we parted ways after date one

27:52

beyond that though I mean I've shared it in a very matter OFA way like literally

27:58

say yeah I but I froze mags a few years ago so you know I love that and I love I love saying you know I don't know which

28:04

path it'll be too I think that's a really great answer any other kind of circling back to the egg freezing like

28:10

any other an emotional component of it because it can be quite heavy any other

28:16

narratives around doing that you know I can share what had come up for me and my

28:22

experience is a little different because I was 37 and in my relationship so there was a lot of like anger and frustration

Embracing the Slow Burn and Not Spark Chasing

28:29

I know some women feel quite differently they'll feel empowered by the process I'm curious what what came up for you or

28:36

what you felt um I think I honestly I was actually

28:41

surprised at how little it affected me like that I was just like yeah this is a thing that I'm doing and I'm really

28:47

happy that I'm able to do it and and grateful that I have the means to be able to do this because my company

28:53

didn't cover it I had savings to pay for it which is not the case for a lot of people I know that's such an there's all

28:59

these huge components to it right and financial is certainly a big one yeah um

29:04

so I'm you know feel grateful that I was able to do that for myself um but I just

29:12

I I think I just thought about it really matter factly that it was just a thing I was doing I do though have the luxury of

29:20

coming from a place where I'm okay if I don't have kids so I think that for me

29:25

there wasn't as much pressure on the process because it it's an insurance policy that

29:32

I may decide I don't want to use so there it there it didn't have this like huge weight of importance on it for me

29:39

and that's you know a privilege that I come from that yeah yeah and I think

29:44

that's yeah I think that does take a little bit of the pressure off and interesting stat and let me make sure I

29:51

remember I think it's like 15% of women actually go back and use the eggs but I

29:57

think think it's a mentally and emotionally feeling like you've done something to preserve this future option

30:04

is the benefit is is the benefit of doing it and I know for myself I I grapple with the idea for a

30:12

really long time and when I finally did it I wished IID done it sooner but I'm like is this even going to work is this

30:19

even going to be worth it and then what I finally decid is like I would regret

30:24

not at least trying to do this for myself you know and you go into it without knowing what the outcome will

30:30

be yeah and you also don't know what the outcome is going to be until you actually try to use one of the eggs

30:36

exactly yeah that's not the end of the line that's that's yeah that's such a good point that's such yeah so I played

30:43

out a couple scenarios in my mind because it is expensive and I don't know if I will ever even want to use them let

30:50

alone decide to use them and so I I I played out a few

30:55

scenarios of okay let's say say that I freeze my eggs and I decide that I don't

31:01

want kids whether I have a partner or not I decide I don't want kids or I you know don't find a partner at a time when

31:07

I still want kids or whatever it is and I don't use them and I've quote unquote wasted that money that's one scenario

31:15

another scenario is that I decide I meet someone and I decide that I do want kids

31:21

and I haven't Frozen my eggs and then it's really difficult yeah and and I

31:27

have a bad outcome and I'm regretting that I didn't yeah yeah and in those two

31:33

scenarios I basically was like both of those scenarios are not great outcomes

31:39

which one is worse in my mind like which one would I prefer and I ultimately

31:44

preferred the outcome where I spent money that I didn't need to spend and didn't

31:49

reget yeah I mean you can't you can't get that back the the eggs back if

31:56

you're at an age where you know it's not possible anymore and hopefully you know things go well and you recoup that money

32:02

in a way but yeah that's a really good way to to think about it physically how

32:09

was the process for you I felt fine for most of it I work from home so that was a a nice aspect of

32:16

it that I could like work from my couch and feel like very cozy and just wear sweatpants and you know not feel

32:22

constricted because you know you get bloated especially towards the end um I

32:27

didn't have any hormonal side effects at all

32:33

that's yeah so I I didn't that didn't affect me at all I know a lot of people have those side effects I really didn't

32:39

I felt pretty fine until I would say the last couple of days um and you know the recovery kind

32:46

of sucks but it's not that bad like I didn't think it was that bad overall

32:51

yeah and I have a very low pain tolerance like very low yeah I'm like I don't know about you but I'm not a

32:57

needle person so I was yeah I was really I still hate it um I was really nervous

33:04

going into that for that reason and I really in a really great way surprised

33:09

myself in how well it went and you know I think with a lot of things there's all this like mental buildup and anxiety

33:16

around you know these unknowns and then for me once I got in it I was like okay it's it's not that bad and I I think

33:23

that's important to share because you know it's a daunting thing to think about but you can you can do it and it

33:29

might not be as bad as we make it out to be yeah totally agree well I'm glad you

33:36

had a a good experience and um I wanted to shift a little into dating because of

33:44

you know one of the guests we had on Marsha inhorn she wrote a book motherhood on ice and she did huge

33:50

research studies it's it's incredible book it was 150 women that froze their eggs and she had a different hypothesis

33:56

going into this research but what she found was most women were I think it was 86% of women were un partnered oh

34:04

interesting yeah which was the reason that prompted then to freeze their eggs so some one of the posts I saw you wrote

34:11

about dating burnout which I want to talk about because I think for this demographic that holds The Narrative of

34:18

I'm running out of time and I've seen this with my clients um it's hard

34:24

to pause even if they're in place of burnout so I would love your thoughts on

34:30

on dating burnout yeah I think that you really nailed it with like that

34:35

particular demographic of people who are really really focused on finding a

Dealing with Dating Burnout and Cultivating Other Areas of Life

34:41

partner because they have a a very real timeline you know it's not there are

34:46

there are some timelines that kind of society imposes upon us there are other ones that are like real biological

34:52

timelines you know and so I think for those people that are really feeling

34:58

that pressure it can feel like well if I'm not constantly actively dating then I'm wasting precious time that's another

35:05

one I don't want to waste my time running out of time we took all of these narratives that that I've held that I've

35:10

heard from clients that I have heard from friends and that's how we came up with quiet the clock because there is all this noise on like the time piece

35:18

yeah and I think something that we that a lot of times gets missed when

35:23

you're thinking about oh I I got to push through I got to go dates I have to keep putting myself out there to meet someone

35:30

if I want to meet someone is that if you are experiencing burnout you are

35:35

probably or most definitely not bringing your best self to the dating app to the

35:41

dates to the conversations you're having sure and you are more likely to either

35:48

pass by or you know not hit it off with somebody that you might otherwise enjoy they

35:56

might otherwise enjoy you because you're not bringing your best self to the situation totally

36:02

totally yeah and I think I I share that with a lot of my clients too and it's hard

36:08

to like hold that idea when you when the competing thought is I'm running out of

36:14

time but helping them understand that it's a better use of time to sort of step back

36:20

regroup like invest in yourself and then go back into the dating world yeah I mean if you're feeling like

36:28

so I'll work with clients who are feeling really burned out and therefore getting kind of negative and you know

36:33

feeling like oh there's just nobody out there and everybody that I'm seeing on the app is trash and you know I'm never

36:39

going to meet anybody and then we'll swipe together I have a program where I

36:45

work with people and they they literally share their phone screen with me on a zoom call and we Swip together oh my God that's amazing and it's very fun like

36:53

just to be able to do that with people but often often times what I'll find is when people are experiencing burnout and

36:59

when they're in this place of negativity they will be like uh uh there's nobody here there's nobody here I'm like wait a

37:05

minute what go back to that guy look at that guy what about him and then they'll you know oh okay maybe yeah all right

37:12

you're right and it takes you constantly find yourself being like whoa whoa wait hold on don't Swip don't swipe too fast

37:19

yes and I have to actually force them like we you are not allowed to swipe until I say it's okay because they'll

37:26

get so trigger happy on you know like uh no no no and it's you know taking a step

37:33

back re-evaluating like taking some of those negative assumptions that you have in your mind

37:39

out can really be helpful but it's tough to do that if you're in like a place of active burnout to yeah I think you can't

37:47

see anything clearly like not even just dating like I think you yeah I think sometimes there's this difficulty to

37:54

give yourself permission to step back and on top of that if you have this

38:00

Narrative of like I'm running out of time you're just GNA go go go go go keep

38:06

at it yeah yeah exactly and I also like to think about it I I use this phrase a

38:12

lot I don't take very many dating breaks although I support people who do and

38:17

that's the right thing for a lot of people but I do turn the volume down on dating quite often oh okay and so I

38:25

think about my life as like going to date myself but like a stereo

38:31

system I'm with you that you know from the 90s that has like all these knobs on it right and you can like turn up treble

38:38

and turn down base and you know all this stuff I don't know anything about stereo systems but you've got all these knobs

38:44

and I think about the different parts of your life in that same way that you've got dating you've got work you've got

38:49

your friends you've got your family you've got your hobbies you've got you know whatever else you do in your life

38:55

and the levels of all of those things are always shifting around like for example the phrase work life balance it

39:01

is very unusual that work and life are always exactly balanced at all times they shift right the levels move up and

39:08

down and the same thing is true for other parts of your life and you can proactively turn the volume down on

39:16

parts of your life that aren't serving you right now and dating is one of those things I love that concept too because I

39:23

think it can help reconcile the part that's like I have to keep doing this right so it's not full stop so you can

39:31

maybe help like ease that part of your mind that's telling yourself you know if you stop you're going to be running out

39:37

of time I I love that like turning it down a little bit yeah and if you turn the volume down that might mean okay I'm

39:43

going to engage with the app let's say I'm I'm only going to be on one app and I'm going to engage with that app less

39:49

than I normally would I'm going to swipe less I'm going to you know start fewer conversations therefore if you swipe

39:55

less if you start fewer conversations you're going to go on fewer dates which is going to

40:01

inherently decrease the amount of dating that you're doing not fully turn it off

40:06

but just decrease it a little bit I love that until you feel better yeah I think that that really helps especially if you

40:12

can't combat The Narrative that you're running out a time another thing I wanted to talk to you about because you

40:18

had a post about this too the spark chasing because that comes up a lot and

40:23

particularly a lot with my clients that were like they go on the date and they're like I didn't feel the spark and

40:29

I'm like okay but what about all these other things and so kind of giving up on someone or not

40:36

being open to a second date if they wasn't that in instant chemistry I have been there I have spark

40:44

chased and I am not immune to the spark even now I 36 so you know you still we

40:50

still get excited about people and I think I like to talk about about when

40:57

you're when you're thinking about whether you want to go on a second date or not rather than talking about the spark I like to think about am I excited

41:04

to have another conversation with this person and that could be because you

41:10

find them really attractive but it could also be because you thought they had interesting things

41:15

to say and you enjoyed talking to them and so I I think that I think that

41:21

when we say you know don't spark chase the spark doesn't matter I think sometimes what people hear is that you

41:29

should go out with people you don't like yeah and that's not at all the not at

41:34

all the message no it's not it's not either or it's not either I can date

41:40

somebody that makes me feel the spark or I have to date somebody I don't like like that's no one saying so much in

41:47

between yeah I say to like if there's no glaring red flags and you felt

41:52

comfortable and you had a good enough time what's the the harm in in one more date yeah that's that's exactly how I

41:59

feel about it and I think attraction can grow it has for me to the point where

42:06

actually when I look back at the people that I've called my boyfriends like you know official

42:12

relationships the one that I was the most attracted to like would look across

42:17

the room at parties and be like oh my God like I'm here with him like that

42:23

guy I was upset at my myself on our first date because I thought I had

42:28

misremembered how attractive I thought he was really yeah so I met this guy in

42:35

person and through a friend and we'd been drinking we were out late doing

42:40

karaoke till like 3 in the morning and fun it was very fun but like also the atmosphere where like you probably would

42:47

like anyone well yeah yeah you know but he looks good yeah and you're having so

42:52

much fun and you're all singing and like it's just such a happy atmosphere and so I thought this guy was so cute and I was

42:59

crushing on him and he asked for my number at the end of the night and I was all excited and and I show up on this

43:04

first date and I I you not I walked into this bar and in my head I thought oh

43:10

no oh no I'm like I have

43:16

misremembered what this guy looked like and not he's he's an attractive guy like

43:21

objectively but like I just was like I'm just not feeling the vibe that I remember feeling not feeling the karaoke

43:28

Vibe anymore not feeling the karaoke Vibe and we had a nice date and we had a nice time and enjoyed ourselves and so

43:36

when he asked me out again I said yes and then on that second date it

43:42

started to build and we ended up like making out at the end of the second date he like walked me home and I was like oh

43:48

I actually really enjoyed that yeah and then it built and it built until like

43:55

literally the the person I've been the most attracted to in my entire dating history yeah I I'm a big fan of the

44:02

slowburn and that was my my personal experience and I met Rob Rob walked up

44:07

to my table I was out with girlfriends and I'm like oh my God this guy is so annoying and not interested in him and

44:14

he really like he grew on me and I remember like one day looking at him I'm like I like literally didn't see him for

44:21

two days I remember looking over he went to grab a drink from the bar like oh guy is really goodlooking like I literally

44:28

just didn't see him so I I am a big fan of the burn and I think it's really important to make that distinction that

44:36

it's not you know you it's not you should go out with someone you don't like but don't dismiss there's not like

44:42

instant spark in chemistry yeah 100% I want to ask you one more thing

44:49

before we wrap up this has been so incredible and great um so much good

44:54

good advice and help to women and and sharing your story and this is really the intention of the podcast is to share

45:00

other stories to normalize you know EG freezing and making this decision and

45:06

everyone's journey is on their own time and there's no pressure to do something at a certain time but it sounds like you

45:13

are someone that is really intentional in dating very confident in where you

45:20

are so I would ask do you have any advice for our listeners how to be in

Being Intentional in Dating and Cultivating Clarity

45:25

that because I think for a lot of people and I know it was my experience too it can feel really upsetting and hard to

45:33

not have met these Milestones yet whether it's meeting somebody whether it's you know motherhood if that's

45:40

something that you want um yeah any advice you could give listeners to just quiet the clock to take the pressure off

45:46

themselves to feel good about where you're at to be grateful for where you're at and sort of honor your own

45:53

journey I think a couple different things one in terms of being intentional

45:58

I think it's really important to get super clear about what you're looking for yeah the clear that you can be with

46:04

yourself about what you're looking for the easier it is to find it and the easier it is to know what is

46:09

not for you yeah I love to do I don't know if you do this with any of the the clients

46:16

you work with but I love to have people do a relationship inventory to what worked and what didn't work and I think

46:22

you're right that Clarity is so important because you go into the dating World sort of you know with this guide book of of what

46:29

works what does yeah totally and then the other thing I think that is really important is to you know I mentioned

46:36

turning the volume down on dating and if that's something that you know is feeling good for you it's really

46:41

important to have stuff you can turn the volume up on when you do that yes yes

Turning the Volume Down on Dating and Focusing on Other Areas of Life

46:46

and so cultivating the other pieces of your life that are going to be things that you can fall back on if dating is

46:53

not feeling great whether that's friends whether it's family a hobby you know whatever it is

47:01

iide not work but for some people that's some for some people work fils their cup um whatever that is I think it's really

47:08

important to have these other things in your life that you can lean on when

47:14

dating isn't feeling as good totally I love that too because I think at it when

47:21

you're single and this was my experience too like I I love the Independence I

47:26

love the ability to like kind of pick up and go and travel or be with girlfriends whenever while also simultaneously

47:33

feeling like I'm never going to meet anyone I'm running out of time and then when I met someone I'm like well damn like I kind of missed some of that so

47:39

sort ofing and building all those other parts of your life before you know

47:45

there's partnership or and to help while you're dating yeah I mean I I think all the

47:51

time I I make sure to take time to be grateful for how many decisions I get to

47:57

make all by myself and no one has any say oh yeah enjoy that enjoy that like

48:03

liter and lit it's pretty much every decision that I make outside of work I get to make all by

48:09

myself yeah yeah enjoy that I I try to think about it often because I know that

48:18

that is something that will have to change eventually and I'll want it to I want to compromise to bring somebody

48:24

else into my life and if if I don't then it's probably not the right person but that is going to be hard yeah

48:30

it and it is and even when it's the right person because everyone's a different decision maker everybody makes

48:36

decisions in different timelines some people like overthink a decision some people are you know very instantaneous

48:43

in their decisions so just finding that middle can be hard and is a good you know it definitely need to compromise in

48:48

a relationship but it's an adjustment for sure yeah yeah well thank you so

48:54

much for being being here and before we wrap up can you tell everyone where they can find you yes so I am at finding Mr

49:01

height on all social media finding Mr hey.com is where you can get access to all my coaching if you like the episodes

49:08

that you're hearing and you want to hear more please subscribe to our Channel and stay tuned for more incredible stories

Advice for Quieting the Clock and Feeling Good About Where You're

49:13

and tools when I froze my eggs at 37 I felt alone I felt unsure I felt confused

49:20

and uncertain and when you considering such a big decision feeling those ways

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do not feel good so we have created a step-by-step guide to egg freezing so no

49:31

one else has to feel that way if you are considering egg freezing if you're curious about what the process looks

Guide to Egg Freezing

49:38

like or what you should be thinking about then this guide is for you we were really thoughtful and how we put it

49:44

together I think it's a great guide I think it's really comprehensive and covers a lot of the things to be

49:50

thinking about to be considering and maybe some things you didn't even realize you should be thinking about or considering um the goal is to not let

49:57

have anyone feel alone in this journey so if you again if you're thinking about this decision sign up through our

50:04

website quiet the.com and make sure to follow us on Instagram and Tik Tok at quiet the clock pod this is a very big

50:12

decision so I don't want anyone to feel alone in it so if you're thinking about it grab this guide and you can also DM

50:18

me with any questions I'm here to support you through this decision and this journey

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