How Self-work Helps Define Your Own Expectations

I think with any healing journey I think there's a moment where you do a little bit and you think that's it I'm done I'm

0:06

Healed good and then something pops up again and says no you're not you're not

0:11

quite there and now I'm with the firm belief that it's a it's a constant [Music]

0:27

journey I am so excited to welcome Emma Kate James to the podcast I saw her

0:34

incredible story on Instagram and we connected there and she has been so helpful to me in my fertility journey

0:40

and sharing some of her resources and before we jump into your fertility

0:45

journey I want to talk about your work um you're a women's transformation coach you're trauma informed and I'd love to

0:53

hear how you came to be a coach what that Journey was for you and to hear more about your work because your

0:59

messaging is so empowering and I was sharing with you before we hit record we were talking a lot before we hit record

1:05

um it's so aligned with what we talk about here and sort of taking the pressure off not adhering to societal

1:11

timelines not thinking like something is wrong with you if you're not hitting those Milestones um so welcome and I'm so

1:18

excited to have you here and and have you share with our audience more about you your work and your own personal

1:24

Journey yeah and I also just want to EO back thank you m so much for inviting me

1:29

I really really appreciate it and I also appreciate the work that you share as well so mutual respect yeah so much

1:38

respect um yeah how I became a coach to be honest with you I think most coaches

1:45

if they're really honest they had some kind of life crisis some moment within life where they started asking is this

1:52

it is this all this is meant to be you know what is my purpose so for me it was

1:58

very much um one I had uh been through a divorce

2:04

when I was 32 So I Married when I was young and then I was divorced at 32 and

2:11

this entire life plan that I'd had in place

2:16

um suddenly felt like everything was slipping through my fingers so I'm not

2:22

you know my marriage is ended am I ever going to have children all these really big thoughts at 32 which now in

2:30

hindsight I realized was really young to be having those thoughts actually that's my perspective now but in that moment I

2:38

really thought my world had ended really and I felt terrified and

2:43

scared well I think it's the and and you share with me if you feel the same it's that societal messaging that certain

2:50

things are supposed to happen at certain times and according to society you did the things at the right time you got

2:57

married early 32 is is usually you know I'm thinking about my friend group and

3:02

and even my twin sister that was when my friends were having kids or already had kids so it's it's almost like you were living

3:09

life according to the plan and then watching that sort of unfold I could

3:16

imagine sort of the things you said to yourself and the fear and the uncertainty yeah and to be honest with

3:23

you this is no disrespect to my ex-husband he's a good man but on

3:28

reflection I really know that even the decision to get married to that person

3:35

was hurried along spared along because that pressure I was more focused on the

3:41

plan than I was who I was marrying was this really what I wanted for my life

3:47

Etc so I'm I'm really familiar with that societal pressure that we all feel and

3:55

um I never want to say I settled but I think he and I can both openly saying

4:00

now yeah we probably shouldn't have got married you know we weren't really right for each other but I remember my key

4:07

Focus being more on the wedding you know having the ring on my finger yeah being

4:12

a wife um rather than is this really the person I want to spend the rest of my

4:18

life with so yeah 32 came I was divorced

4:23

and I really struggled for a few years so I did the typical I'm not going to hide it I I

4:31

desperately dated you know trying to fill the hole trying to fill that void in my life thinking if I can just find

4:37

another man find a man um then all my problems will be solved you know and

4:42

then I can get another relationship have another child and obviously that method doesn't work um

4:50

because with that kind of energy of I've got to find this I've got to it's this

4:56

real um it's coming from a space of lack completely and so I sort of had disastrous

5:02

relationship after disastrous relationship which finally led to me

5:07

saying okay what's what's the pattern here yeah it's like The Universe telling

5:12

you like we're going to keep we're g to keep showing you it until you see it yourself exactly and you know the common

5:21

denominator in all of that was me so um I started to do my own healing work I

5:27

hired my own coach and I think through going through my own

5:33

transformation was when I just thought wow this information is invaluable and

5:38

this is what I would like to impart to other women and I think I've shared quite openly um you know publicly as

5:45

well through all this time I suffered with so much anxiety for most of my life I had I do believe a lot of that was

5:53

driven by that pressure by that need to be so much whatever it is we're told we

5:59

need to be and it was through the healing work and through working with a coach myself that you know that anxiety

6:07

was no more and and this is so important you know this

6:13

is that I want to share and so yeah I then decided to become a coach myself

6:21

amazing prior to finding the healing work was there a moment where you're like oh my gosh this is the pattern and

6:28

I need to work on that or work on my patterns did was there like a aha moment

6:34

for you where what maybe it was like one more last disastrous relationship do you remember a specific moment where you're

6:40

like okay I'm the common denominator here I mean I think with any healing

6:46

journey I think there's a moment where you do a little bit and you think that's it I'm done I'm Healed good and then

6:53

something pops up again and says no you're not you're not quite there and now I'm with the firm belief it's a it's

7:00

a constant Journey you will never be completely healed because we're humans and we Face adversity and every time

7:07

there's a new challenge that's something new for us to overcome or to experience

7:12

and so yes there was another relationship

7:17

um and yeah I would say that was the and I genuinely thought I'd done the work

7:24

and was healed before getting into that and then once I was in that relationship

7:30

um yeah there was there was a little bit more work to be done let's say and the

7:36

pattern that came up in that relationship actually was that once again that desperation I'm running out

7:42

of time I need to figure out this is person and I need to know now because

7:48

time is running out yeah and I think that forces some pretty unhealthy behaviors within a relationship when

7:54

you're coming from that that space Oh yeah I could not agree more I mean

7:59

created a whole podcast around this idea the quieting the clock because my feeling is the pressure

8:06

clouds so much I think there's becomes this lack of clarity on what we actually desire for ourselves and you know it's

8:13

exciting to see so many more women and people doing work like this where it's

8:18

like it doesn't have to happen at a certain time like let's you know honor our own authentic path and um do you see

8:26

a lot of this in your work like is that a lot of the work that you do is with do you work with women only yes right and

8:34

do you see a lot of that anxiety that pressure the timeline pressure yeah

8:40

absolutely and I would say it's actually common amongst most women I would I would say there's a moment especially

8:46

when women hit their 30s where this becomes a huge question for them and it can be one of two ways I mean also the

8:53

pressure can be when they think they don't want children and they also feel the pressure of if there's there's so

9:01

much right there's there's a focus on is there something wrong with me if I if I want to be single and I don't want

9:07

children and there's also this am I deemed successful within Society if I

9:12

don't have a husband and I don't have children um it's I would say is probably the most

9:20

common thing that women actually come and speak to me about um which is why I

9:25

started focusing on women in their 30s early 40s because I really feel that that's such a

9:32

pivotal time in life where we're asking all those big

9:37

questions you know and like you said there's so much pressure on us at that point to have so-called achieved all

9:44

these things um I mean I now find it I actually find it kind of laughable that

9:50

we we are kind of this thing is instilled within us that 35 is it for us

9:56

you know I know I know that is like the marker number and even in fertility um

10:02

it's like 35 is a cliff for your fertility and you know we're learning so much more that that is not true at all

10:07

and you know I got pregnant at at 39 naturally so I think it's really the

10:13

work is dismantling all these narratives that are so harmful and and perpetuate

10:20

the pressure yeah yeah and what's really sad is

10:25

that you know we can say I really genuinely see it create so much

10:31

unhappiness and so much anxiety within women I mean this isn't a small thing

10:36

they're really really suffering as a consequence it's quite surprising how much we take on this idea that unless we

10:45

hit these specific markers we're not successful as women and how how sad that we only hold

10:53

ourselves by these few things you know if I don't mother then maybe I'm not as success as a woman or whatever that goal

11:01

is yeah what what that did for me because I definitely fell I was susceptible to the pressure too and and

11:08

you know unhelpful narratives is and I'm curious if this was you know before your

11:13

healing work sort of happened for you as well is I overlooked all the things that were actually great in my life all the

11:20

things that didn't mark success because it wasn't partnership marriage baby I

11:25

didn't have those things yet I overlooked like all the other things and I'm curious if you did that

11:31

yourself and if the women you work with do that as well is Overlook some really wonderful things happening in their life

11:38

absolutely I I'm trying to remember there's a quote out there isn't there that something along the lines of you

11:43

know don't lose sight of all that you have in the pursuit of what it what it is that you want and I can't remember I know I've

11:51

not thought that right but it's something like that and it's and it's completely true I

11:57

think we can become so tunnel visioned and so laser focused on a future that hasn't happened yet you know and we're

12:03

trying so hard to control that we we're not living in the present moment at that point we're not actually seeing what we

12:10

have available to us in any given moment and it's so funny that women if and and

12:18

I say this because this is my experience with who I coach but women as well they

12:23

find it so hard to kind of um self-reflect and and see how far they've

12:31

already come and what I mean by that is with a lot of the women that I work with as well they don't see their own

12:36

progress they only still see this list of things that they've not not yet got

12:42

to instead of wow actually look back at the life that I've had look at all the

12:47

things I've already overcome look at all these big things where I thought it was going to be the end for me you know that

12:54

breakup where you thought you were you were never going to survive it and yet here you are you did

13:00

and they don't see that as a as a Triumph or something or as an achievement they're not seeing that all

13:06

these progress they've already made they're simply focusing on but I don't have this thing yet yeah you're so right

13:13

I see that in my work as a therapist too and I think that's the wonderful thing about having either a coach or therapist

13:18

is that when they can't self-reflect we can help them do it or do it for them and I have sessions where I walk through

13:25

all the progress that I've seen and it it will blow their minds because they literally don't see it or haven't looked

13:30

like looked at it that way so I love that you bring that up um and it's a

13:35

good reminder even for myself because I'm in a season where I'm trying to control a lot of things I'm living in a lot of uncertainty and this is very

13:43

helpful for me today too to have this this reminder I mean I love it in a session as well when someone comes on

13:49

you know one of the first things you can or I say in a session is like what are you celebrating yourself for today how

13:56

often do you even just go actually I did quite a lot today or what

14:02

am I celebrating myself all for the last year because we're always still looking at that thing that's again we're

14:09

focusing on a future which has not happened which you canot predict and as

14:14

a consequence we end up being pretty unhappy so unha yeah I mean I think it could be cycles of like I'm in I'm

14:21

present I'm grateful but then I'm so unhappy but I think those exercises of self-reflection or just that simple

14:26

question of what you're celebrating I ask a similar question I say what are you proud of and my clients will look at me like I'm crazy like yeah I'm like

14:34

what do you what are you proud of I and I'll be like I have seven things I can say that I'm proud of you for like think

14:39

of one thing and I I think that's such a good prompt what are some other ways you

14:45

help your women help women sort of let go I love you you know in some of your posts you talk about this idea of

14:50

letting go of fear or the attachment to the way that it's should look and also creating space for things to come in

14:58

what are some ways you help clients do that or or you did for yourself yeah I

15:04

mean for me honestly I've got a really strong belief first that I would I

15:10

actually would love it if if every woman out there would do some healing work and I know that's such a big ambition but I

15:16

do believe that women especially we've been hurting for so long in society we carry so much generational

15:24

trauma and and we are the we are the ones that birth the Next Generation as

15:30

well so I think that healing work is really important so when you say some of the things I do with my clients I think

15:37

it's really important to actually before doing forward focusing exercises or

15:42

before looking at okay where do we want to be so what we call now manifestation right um I like to go back and not I

15:51

don't like to sit in the past but what I do want so I work really heavily within child work I talk about this like

15:59

creating space within ourselves if there is a pattern or a thought or a belief or

16:05

behavior that you have in the past and you haven't worked through that or you're not able to let go of that it is

16:12

going to continue to show itself throughout your life yeah so with women

16:17

when we're talking about I suppose the fertility Journey or women who were kind of terrified when they get to this point

16:22

and they feel unsuccessful one of the biggest things is looking around what where are those fears coming up from and

16:28

what what are the beliefs are the stories are the things that have held you back until this point and let's heal

16:35

those first let's work through those first before we start going okay now

16:41

what is it that we want from the future and then looking forwards I myself um I'm a bit nervous

16:49

to use the word manifestation because I just think it's utilized a little bit too much in today's society however um

16:58

I'm I myself when I was um going through my own fertility process I was very very

17:06

clear on how I wanted to utilize my energy best for that process so when I'm going

17:14

through the through the Journey am I going to focus on all the eventualities that might go wrong am I going to think

17:20

about what if this doesn't happen or what if I don't meet him or what if my

17:26

IVF doesn't work or whatever that what if it you're literally I like to think of it

17:32

as literally your energy being projected into a future so what could be held in

17:38

the present moment what could energy that I love that is is away in the

17:43

future also if we spend too much time thinking o you know over the past that's

17:49

some of your energy that you could be holding here in the present moment and you've allocated it to the Past there's

17:54

part of you still living in that past and so some of my practices to bring

18:00

them back into the present moment because if you're always trying to predict what's going to happen in the

18:06

future if you're always trying to control there's so much energy being lost for what you need right now in that

18:12

present moment and I I would rather say focus on the outcome that you do want to

18:19

see focus on the outcome that you truly want in the world and I know it's easier

18:24

said than done however how do you feel in the present moment if someone said to

18:31

you that thing's guaranteed to happen it's going to happen your smiling because all I'm

18:37

thinking about is how helpful this is to me I'm like in a coaching

18:43

session imagine if someone if if I said to you that thing you want is going to happen

18:50

guaranteed right now you would go you would Breathe Out Your Shoulders would

18:55

yeah yeah and then ask yourself okay how would that person approach

19:02

today how would she go out in the world how would she behave would she be stressing all the time would she be

19:07

worrying over every little detail or would she be saying it's gonna happen I'm good I love that how do you help

19:14

women how do how do you stay connected to that right what is the like is it daily practice is it because I hear that

19:22

so loudly right now and I love that so much and I think that could be is so helpful to whoever you work

19:29

with and whoever is listening is to you know take that practice on how yeah

19:35

staying I think I'm hearing that I'm like yes I love that I'm going to use that and then tomorrow it might feel

19:41

really different you know it's like staying connected to that energy or that

19:47

those ideas um I mean I can share how I do it it's a practice you know nothing

19:53

nothing's going to happen overnight and it's like anything you need to practice it in for it to almost become muscle

20:01

memory if you like so um the way I did it was through

20:07

meditation so when but other people can choose other ways but through meditation

20:12

I would sit and I would literally visualize the future that I wanted but I

20:17

want to be really clear on that you don't just think of something and imagine it the key is to feel it so feel

20:25

it within your body because we all hear this right you need to embody that which

20:31

you want to become you need to embody that which you want to attract into your life and I genuinely think that's true

20:38

so if we take my own individual um process I just focused on cultivating

20:45

the emot cultivating the feeling of how it feels to be a mother not will I become a mother won't I become a mother

20:51

just how how does that feel when I imagine that how would it feel to hold

20:56

my child for the first time how would it feel to see them playing and it was that

21:02

feeling that I practic cultivating all the time and then look it's like

21:08

anything it's awareness um one of my coaches always says awareness proceeds choice so in other words yeah you need

21:17

to be aware of your own behaviors you need to be aware when you're slipping into worry future projection or worrying

21:24

about the past and you just need to catch yourself and bring yourself back to this moment and again try and attach

21:31

again to that Sensation that feeling that you are trying to cultivate it doesn't happen overnight it is a

21:37

constant constant practice I'm I'm probably oversimplifying it now no I

21:43

think the way you're breaking down is beautiful it's so easy to hear and receive and it I I think it's it's

21:48

amazing the way you're sharing it right now because I it makes it so it makes it sound so easy to to to do yeah I mean

21:57

like I said if you Center it excuse me if you Center it around a meditation practice then you've got something to

22:02

Anchor into it right so you make it part of your day you sit down you cultivate that feeling I think the issue we have

22:10

with meditation these days is we sit down for 10 minutes we you know we Bliss out for 10 minutes and then we go on our

22:16

day and we're dressed and we we forget that sensation so the key is how how can

22:24

you hold on to that sensation for the rest of the day how can you try and keep that with you throughout the day I don't

22:30

know if you see this in your work in my work what I see especially as a therapist in New York City is this H

22:36

hustle culture and we're like go go go go and I think there's little room or

22:41

time to slow down and to invite awareness to invite space and slowness

22:46

and sometimes the meditation becomes like the checklist thing like okay like

22:52

you said I've meditated for today and now I'm jumping into this crazy stressful day um do you see that in your

22:59

work with the woman you work with as well yeah absolutely and look with the with the rise of the wellness industry

23:05

you know um we have social media to to thank for that in many ways and I think

23:10

it's great that more people have an awareness of of selfcare and um mental

23:16

health practices but unfortunately what I see is see is it's layered a new level of self- perfectionism that people are

23:24

now trying to maintain and like you said it becomes a tick in the Box it becomes

23:29

a okay I Journal I did my 5 minute Journal this morning then I did my 15minute um meditation I've done my 20

23:37

minutes of exercise off I go yeah but for me it's the energy that you bring to all of

23:44

those so for example journaling can just journaling can be a great tool some

23:50

people can also use it and it ends up being more like a a practice for recycling emotions what I mean by that

23:57

is the jour Jing and they're they're reflecting on every everything that's um I feel like

24:05

journaling is reflective it's not actually helping you to release anything most people so we tend to

24:13

reflect on everything that happened in our day if you're already anxious if you're already stressed and then you're

24:19

journaling on that particular thing for me it kind of keeps you in a constant Loop of recycling that emotion we're not

24:26

actually allowing ourselves to release it the same with meditation you can use

24:32

meditation to completely most people try and use it to leave their body so to

24:37

leave the experience of what it is in that moment that they're truly feeling because they want to escape that so it's

24:44

escapism when actually the best sort of meditation is when you use it to connect into your own body and Connect into

24:51

yourself um and yeah I do see this a lot with women I'm I'm not a massive fan of

24:58

layering on lots of things that you need to tick off in order to keep you know to

25:04

maintain your mental health because for most people it's too much pressure and I think some of this add more yes we're

25:11

trying to release pressure it does add more yeah you had one great post we like I don't think most coaches will say this

25:16

but put down the books put down the self- health bookst yeah because everyone is so OBS

25:23

everyone really thinks that there's something that needs to be fixed within them now that they're entirely broken

25:29

and for me it's I'm sure you have this as a therapist it's really quite simple most

25:35

people just don't feel seen don't feel heard and they struggle to um work with

25:41

their own emotions yeah yeah and if and and if if they didn't get those that you

25:47

know a journal doesn't listen to you or make you feel Hur you know it's probably

25:53

not going to really help you learn to deal and process your emotions and those

25:58

for me are key life skills when you've got that you don't really need to worry

26:04

about all these other things it's great if you want to put them into your life but for me there's some real key skills

26:10

real key skills that each individual should have been taught from a really really young age and we're

26:17

starting to see it now there's this popularity now of um you know conscious parenting and how we how we need to

26:24

raise our children so that they know how to handle emotion but Our Generation was not told that our parents generation

26:31

wasn't no so we're kind of cleaning up cleaning up the you know our side of the

26:36

street so that the Next Generation doesn't have to experience these type of things yeah which is a which is a

26:42

wonderful thing I mean we're doing the hard work but it's worth it to pass it on to yeah our next

26:48

Generations so I want to shift gears a little bit but it all goes together in terms of like you know the blueprint

26:55

were sold and timelines but your own fertility Journey journey and I I saw that post and I was just so inspired and

27:03

amazed and I think it was so brave of you to and I'm curious about the decision to share in real time on social

27:11

media because shortly after your maybe I was doing mine at the same

27:17

time maybe right after I'm like what does she do if it doesn't work like she had so vulnerable and like I I was so

27:23

happy when I saw you were pregnant but then I was thinking of myself because my first one didn't work and I just I just

27:29

think it was so brave to to sh to share in real time and I'm curious about that decision but

27:35

maybe we back up to when you first started considering um IVF and becoming

27:41

a mother yeah um the honestly I was

27:47

thinking about it for two years so um when my last relationship

27:55

ended I started talking with my family a little bit more about it sort of Dipping

28:00

my toe in the possibility of could I do this alone MH and I would say initially

28:08

it absolutely terrified me the thought of of doing that alone and and so I did

28:14

a little bit of the fertility treatments and then I sort of backed away again okay um it didn't feel in alignment to

28:21

me it felt too too big to hold um but I went away and I as I've talked about I

28:28

worked on myself I you know yes I was a coach and we're all still work in progress so I was still doing my own

28:35

work yeah um and I think through that through a lot of the healing work I

28:42

continued to do there was just a lot of synchronicities that happened in my life that

28:48

started to make me feel like okay maybe maybe this is possible for me and the

28:55

moment when I actually decided to do it I can't I can't really put my finger on it

29:02

but I know there was a moment where suddenly the decision no longer felt

29:08

scary I felt very very calm about the decision so I didn't feel intimidated anymore by doing it w wow um and I think

29:18

um that sort of remained throughout the process it was for me that was my intuition telling me this is

29:26

way yeah and and I needed to get to that point I really needed to I think as a

29:32

solo parent you know everything is going to be on your shoulders it's all the big

29:38

decisions all the responsibility and so I do think it's really important that you really have

29:44

that um that you have your Center so that you know 100% within you this is

29:51

what I want because there's a lot that comes with this process as you as you know and there's a lot for me you know

30:00

once my baby's here and so as long as I have that Center as long as I have that

30:05

knowing that this is meant for me this is meant for me yeah um that's kind of

30:10

my Guiding Light that's what I kind of hold on to and everything else I'll deal with it as and when it comes so I just

30:18

remember calling my parents I think I was alab been bought to at that point

30:24

yeah and calling my parents and saying Mom Dad you might think I'm crazy they did

30:29

think I was crazy at first um for their generation it's not it's not yeah yeah

30:35

um and I said I'm thinking of doing this you know what do you think and and I'm

30:41

really thankful that I have an extremely supportive really supportive family so yeah they were yeah were're

30:49

behind you if that's what you want to do um and here we are so yeah

30:58

my God getting so close prior to getting to this intuitive place that you knew that this was meant for you was there

31:06

reconciliation of a vision that maybe look different than we're told it should

31:11

look like with a partner um not solo was there some grief in letting go of the

31:17

vision because I know so many wom we've had many women on who have made the same decision as you and I think it is so

31:23

beautiful but one guest was saying it was really sort of reconciling or releasing the picture of the way we're

31:29

told it's supposed to be and really embracing and loving the new the new picture it's actually funny you know

31:37

that moment came for me a little bit when I was actually coaching someone else so I'm I'm sort of saying these

31:44

words to someone and then I'm thinking wow these words are kind of meant for me right now because what I

31:50

was saying to this person was and they were talking about the picture of what

31:55

they wanted and I said said well you know who says you still can't have that

32:01

picture it just might not come in the order that you expect it to and for me

32:07

it was one of those moments where my own words hit you know came back and slapped me in face I had those moment in session

32:12

too I'm like that works for me too yeah and

32:19

absolutely to be honest with you I think the grief

32:25

process had been happening for quite some time time I think when I said to you when I first when I first initially

32:33

had that thought around IVF and it didn't feel good to me I think that's when the grief first I remember that

32:39

first appointment going to speak to the gynecologist hearing all the statistics

32:44

hearing all the numbers basically being told you've got no chance but oh my gosh

32:51

is that what they said to you I mean not in so many words but was you know for

32:56

your mature age the the chances of you getting pregnant are extremely small and

33:02

all the all the things that they tend to say at at my age um and I felt utterly

33:09

devastated but I think at that point it was really the letting go of the idea of

33:16

the relationship so you know the thought that I would meet

33:21

someone we would you know we would have a great relationship together and then at some point a child would be born from

33:27

that relation ship and and yeah I had to let go of

33:32

that thought and it's really funny the moment I let go and I started to ask myself well what does it what does it

33:39

matter if if I do it in this order you know and what I see with a lot of women is they

33:46

tell themselves that if because now obviously I'm working

33:51

with women who have a similar interesting following a path like myself is they almost commit M themselves to

33:58

well this means that I'm going to be single forever you know if I choose to be a single mom right you start telling

34:03

us yeah this story that something is wrong with me or no one will want me because of this yeah

34:10

and why I'm so lucky is I have an example of where that is not true so in

34:17

my own life my father came into my life um when I was 18 months old and he's

34:23

been with my mom ever since and so I really have an example

34:28

in my own life of where a man stepped in and you know was in love with my mom and

34:34

took me on as his own daughter and he's my father through and through every way

34:40

and so that for me was really comforting that I had evidence within my own life and I think it's really important if

34:48

there's something that you want in life or and and you're sort of telling yourself what it's it's not possible for

34:55

me one ask yourself is that really true and two look for evidence around you of

35:01

that thing because there will be evidence and if it's there then it's possible yeah we I I so relate to how

35:08

you work I work very similarly like look for bottles and when you know clients are doubting whether or not they'll have

35:14

a healthy relationship I'll be like all right let's look around where do you see a healthy relationship and either they don't see many and like okay here's

35:20

what's informing the story or we can attach to one and they can have hope that it's possible yeah exactly and so

35:28

it is just breaking down those and we all do it we all follow a certain

35:34

narrative and then it's just catching ourselves and challenging ourselves on those narratives and and you know it's

35:40

that can you 100% say that's fact no because it's just a story you're telling

35:46

yourself you know and letting go of that yeah and it's it's you know unfortunately it's been a story that's

35:51

been told to us for so long or it's been told to our parents it's been told to them and it's really it's so deeply

35:57

ingrained and we're sort of handed this this story that you know we don't we buy

36:04

into because that's what we're told and and again this is why it's wonderful to have someone like you doing the work

36:10

that you're doing and sharing your story and um you know breaking down these these stories and narratives that are

36:16

just so outdated and I'm with you I don't think things have to come in certain orders like you know I I'm not

36:22

married but we had we've had a baby first we're hoping for a second and you know that's our that's that's our

36:28

framework for things and and that works for us and so really I think it's just

36:33

yeah it's like understanding you know what works for you it doesn't have to look it's not all Cookie Cutter and

36:38

doesn't have to look all the same yeah absolutely and I think as well just you

36:46

know when I was thinking about it when when I was if you like going through this grief period I think there's a

36:52

moment of being really honest with yourself and for me

36:59

I knew that if I went out into the world looking for a partner but driven by the

37:07

need to have a child for me that's going to possibly

37:12

bring a slightly undesirable outcome and

37:17

with the work there we do I know how important it is to bring a a child

37:26

into into the world into a stable environment so to speak yes yes um and

37:33

and how we are as individuals has such an impact on our children so for me it

37:39

was sort of looking at okay what's the sort of parent I actually want to be what is it that I kind of want to pass

37:45

on is chasing a relationship which I don't think is the right energy to go

37:52

out there and find a relationship is that going to benefit me in this moment and if I get into that relationship and

37:58

it's come from that energy will could that possibly be the

38:03

the the right environment from from my child and possibly not because I do believe that when we're pushing to

38:11

settle when we're just rushing forwards that's usually when things don't don't work out and I don't I've

38:20

I've been there already you know I already married I've I've been divorced I know how that story goes right right

38:27

so for me I just thought there was just this moment of I could potentially run

38:32

the risk of looking for the one and never experiencing Parenthood

38:40

now some might argue well that also is coming from a space of fear um yes and I

38:46

just think I'm realistic about my agent also when I feel is right to have a

38:52

child you know um I would have had no problem having a baby a few years later

38:57

who knows maybe this is not my only baby um but I wanted the opportunity to do

39:03

it yeah and people ask me a similar question in terms of marriage like I think they they automatically assume I

39:10

don't want to be married I do very much want to be married but I'm like babies were the first priority for me and a

39:15

second is still a first priority for me over marriage so yeah in terms of like the clock that it is a the biological

39:23

clock is a is a real thing and my thought is marriage can happen at any

39:28

time so that's sort of I get that that kind of same thoughts or questions about that

39:35

but it doesn't mean I don't want to be married but it just this was this was my priority first and and I love why you

39:41

say there's this permission to do it in any order you want it doesn't have to be in a traditional order and I think

39:47

through my own experience you know it hindsight's a wonderful thing if I could do it all again I think that desperation

39:55

to find that partner to have that baby was the thing that led to me actually

40:00

just delaying the thing that I wanted the most it really did because I was repeating this pattern of jumping into

40:07

things too soon jumping into things too hastily and literally unconsciously

40:13

pushing away that one thing that I wanted the most further and further away so yeah I think that's where the The

40:21

Narrative of time becomes problematic again because I've seen this a lot in my work with women is this idea of like I

40:28

don't want to waste any time and when I say that I mean that they don't want to take any time off from dating so they're

40:34

constantly in the pursuing or the chasing of and they feel like the waste of time is to take the time away from

40:41

dating where I try to encourage them the time might be better used to like you're saying shift this energy let's gain this

40:47

awareness let's understand and uncover the patterns and because of that pressure of time that is the thing that

40:54

feels like the waste of time it's just do that work versus like I'm just going to keep dating I'm just going to keep

41:00

going out there and the patterns are continuing so it's it's challenging I I I feel for women that are in that dating

41:07

space and still in the in you know susceptible to the pressure and the timelines and yeah really kind of

41:14

forcing the dating I think it's building trust though right it's building trust within

41:20

yourself and it's building TR trust in you know yeah for one of a better way of

41:26

saying it what will be be and I think most of us are we really struggle to

41:32

trust to surrender to life because we're so desperately trying to control it because we are worried about those

41:39

timelines yeah um when if we literally let go if we trusted if we instead

41:46

cultivated fantastic self trust within ourselves your energy the way that you

41:53

shine when you're coming from that space that's what's going to attract the the

42:00

that's what's gonna call that person it's so true and I have to share something with you and I think it's important for the audience to hear Too

42:07

is I'm working with a hormone specialist a nutritionist now to help you know with

42:13

my own health and fertility health and she asked me this question she's like think back to times where good things

42:19

happened for you and what was going on in those times and the two best things that have happened in in my life is

42:24

meeting my partner and having my son and I thought about those two times and

42:30

I'm like oh my god there was no pressure on either of those things at all and it's like I never thought about it in

42:37

that way but it was so profound because before meeting Rob and I've said this on here it's like I was kind of in this

42:43

really great place of acceptance of like life is really great I was 34 I was single I was like life is really great I

42:48

have all these amazing things I'm really you know in this great place and a month later I met Rob and same with my son

42:54

like we were you know having really hard convers ations about whether or not we would have children whether or not we

43:00

would stay together if we wanted different things and then finally we're like let's just see what happens and like two weeks later I was pregnant and

43:06

it was like these moments were all the pressure and not to say that's easy to do but it was really wild for her to ask

43:12

me that for me to think about that because it is so true and when you talk about looking around like at evidence I

43:20

think that's a PRT to everyone to look at evidence like the same way you know Stephanie Adler is my my my nutrition

43:28

hormone specialist coach asked me is to ask ourselves where's our evidence in my life where when I took the pressure off

43:35

really good things happened yeah and you I really love that you share that and it

43:41

makes me think or what came to my mind is you know it's like the energy of receiving right and I think especially

43:47

for the feminine you know we receiving is such an important thing for us to be

43:53

able to do I mean when you think about the conception of a child we are open

43:59

and we are receiving that within us and um one of the things and and that's what

44:06

we talk about when we have this open energy when we're just open to things coming to us that's when they do not

44:13

when we're trying to grasp and grab for them and I have like one little thing

44:19

that maybe is useful for your audience that because for some women it's a

44:24

really hard concept to grasp what what do you mean I've got to be in an energy of receiving what does that mean like be

44:31

IIT and one really small example is how do you respond when someone gives you a

44:37

compliment how does that feel for you because majority of women when they're

44:43

given a compliment will either make a joke deflect or immediately give it back

44:49

to the other person yes so it's like someone will say oh I love your hair and they'll say oh but your hair looks great

44:57

too and so one of the things I ask my clients to do is to simply just practice

45:02

saying thank you and taking yeah and receiving it yeah and receiving it um

45:10

and I know that SS seems like such a silly exercise but it's it's a practice

45:16

how you do anything is how you do everything so when you see it on that kind of micro level if you can't even

45:22

receive a compliment how are you going to be able to trust what is coming to you

45:27

how are you going to be able to accept that you just need to sit back and you know so it's a small small exercise but

45:36

I really do think that the more you are happy in yourself you are cultivating a

45:42

great relationship with yourself you are open to whatever comes your way and I think the openness that receivership is

45:50

very very important because it's not to be confused with

45:55

someone who's so hyper independent that they're actually they're not open so for

46:01

me Hyper Independence can actually just be another sign of of a trauma response

46:07

you know yeah yes yes I see that a lot in my work

46:13

too hyper Independence being a trauma response yeah and I think bringing I

46:20

love that we keep talking about energy because I think it's so powerful and I I think prompting everybody listen

46:27

listening to thinking about the energy that they're putting out like are they forcing are they chasing or are they you

46:34

know open to receive yeah and I know I know it's easier set than done but I really feel

46:40

like this CH really shifted the needle for me quite a lot just stopping with the pursuing of

46:48

everything stopping worrying about the timeline and stuffing and it's easy set than done but how I managed to do that

46:55

was because I cultivated a really good relation ship with myself I healed or I worked through I should say I don't like

47:01

I said I'm not healed by any means but I work through some of those things that were really driving that sensation

47:08

within me driving that fear within me yeah and and it's really clear that it's allowed you to be where you are now

47:15

which is so beautiful I want to ask this before we we wrap up just again I know

47:20

we mentioned it earlier but what went into the decision to to share in real time because again I thought that was so

47:27

especially in this fertility space especially in the IVF process where there's so much waiting and anxiety and

47:35

uncertainty of how I mean obviously it could go either way what yeah what was

47:40

the thought or decision going into that you know some of it was a little bit accidental I'm not going to lie I

47:47

was quite shocked and M you know surprised at the same time at the response um but I

47:54

think I'd actually had a friend that had gone through this this process before MH and what I'd witnessed was her feeling

48:01

like she couldn't really share that openly with the world there was somehow shame surrounding the fact that she'd

48:09

had a child by herself and you know no judgment in her whatsoever her process

48:15

is her process and how she decides to share it but for me when I was talking to about the energy that I wanted to

48:22

bring to it so this this energetic of this thing has already happened you know

48:28

it's not not going to happen it's happened so for me it was I'm not not

48:33

going to talk about this because there is no shame in having a child in the in

48:39

this manner in this way and so initially when I shared I think I was coming more

48:45

from the space of look when you when you build that self trust when you do that healing work it's possible then to make

48:53

decisions like this because really it's the decision to become a solo parent which feels so so huge you know um how

49:01

can I possibly do this alone you know how will I ever do that um and then the

49:07

respon so I was really coming from that confidence coach kind of angle and then the

49:14

response was just yeah overwhelming and the sheer volume of women that have come

49:21

forward from that that I've been exposed to that have shown up in my DMs um

49:27

I can honestly say it's because of them that I thought this is really important

49:33

this actually means something yeah and so when you asked did I think about what

49:38

would happen if something went wrong um I don't think I ever allow

49:45

myself to get to that point within my thought um there was there were moments

49:51

I'm not you know I'm not made of wood I'm a human being moments where I was scared but think I came to the

49:57

conclusion that this process I know for me it it

50:02

was relatively smooth um but the reality of this process is it's a hard process

50:08

IVF fertility journey is is can be such a difficult process for some um

50:15

and I sort of made a decision at one point that I would just be honest no

50:20

matter what happened in the process that I also have agency over the volume that

50:25

I want to show um and then like I said to you because my mindset was very much this is this is

50:33

happening there's there's no other leeway for any other possibility and

50:38

what I would people would say that I was crazy I went to the IVF clinic and I said yeah it's going to work first time

50:44

and the women looked at me like I was Bonkers and I said to them until I'm proven

50:50

otherwise that's where my mindset is staying so I love that yeah yeah and it

50:55

it served me well because I never allowed myself to get into into the worry into the stress of the wh ifs um

51:03

and I just decided if they did occur I would deal with them in that moment and I would process them in that moment

51:11

so yeah thankfully it didn't go in that direction and um yeah I'm now seven

51:19

months pregnant it's just a re revalidates the

51:24

energy the importance of the energy your mindset and yeah I think that's helpful to apply to anything you know I know

51:31

even for myself when I was dating and single before I got to that place of acceptance bad narratives creep in like

51:37

I'm never going to meet anybody it's never going to happen and you know I just think your story revalidates the

51:43

value of a positive mindset doing the work you know putting your energy in the

51:49

right place because then and trusting the outcomes will come yeah and I think as well like within within the fertility

51:56

process there's been a lot of I mean I I also made a lot of other changes I mean

52:02

we've talked about this like nutritional changes Etc but one of the things that really came across when I was doing a

52:07

bit of research in terms of okay how can I support my chances as best as possible

52:14

um it always seemed to come back to mindset it always seemed to come back to have you so one of the things that um

52:23

was shared to me was what are your concerns concerns in the process so for a lot of couples for example there's

52:29

simply the fear of it not working or not having children but there's also fears around finances or whatever it might

52:38

be and it's about eliminating those fears

52:43

before you go through the process or as best you can because you need that

52:48

energy you're literally asking your body to create life there's a lot of energy required oh my gosh and I think that's

52:53

one thing that we don't as women know and I've even learned more after my IVF Journey like how much energy is required

53:03

to conceive it's it's yeah yeah and so I

53:08

think mindset is really really key when you go through the process and if you

53:14

imagine your body's in a St state of fight or flight when you go in to have

53:19

the IVF process is that a supportive environment

53:24

for you know for that process um now I'm not you know

53:31

no shade on anyone that feels that way when they're going through it but it's more of a little bit of a reminder of

53:37

okay what can I do to best support myself that best supports my body to provide that as as best an environment

53:46

as I possibly can for that for that you know for that little embryo to hopefully

53:51

stick and grow and look I'm probably oversimplifying it um I know I I think I

53:58

should just say to your audience as well I had no fertility issues so in my

54:04

process it was purely just the simple fact that I did not have a partner and I think it's important I say that because

54:10

I know there's a lot of complications within you know the but I think it's still so valuable for everybody what

54:17

you're saying and as somebody that has had fertility issues trying to have their second I'm resonating so deeply

54:23

with everything that you're saying because I don't think I've been in the best place and it's hard when you're

54:28

going through that and you want something so much in a certain time so thinking about the energy we're

54:34

bringing to that is so important regardless of you know where you land on you know the fertility Spectrum or what

54:41

you're going through so I don't think it's I just want to say that to say I don't think you're overs simple of flying as someone as someone that's

54:47

having fertility struggles like I'm really taking that in so much and and it's so helpful for me to hear yeah and

54:55

I think the other thing I know we've discussed this kind of off camera before but

55:02

um I was always asking myself if my child is watching me right now like

55:07

they've selected me my baby's already chosen me and if my baby's watching me right now who's the sort of person that

55:14

I want them them to witness me being oh make me cry I oh that's really good

55:21

because we tend to ask ourselves that once they're here right but I'm of the

55:27

belief that they're watch they're watching you know even before they make the choice to to come here to come

55:34

earthside and so what really helped me was this thought process of bless you

55:40

but yeah is to ask yourself like what's the sort of person I want to

55:46

see them to see me being and so I wanted to show them like I've got this you know

55:54

I've got this process and you know oh my God that is so beautiful oh my God I

56:01

feel like this is personally just for me all today because it's so helpful so in

56:06

so in so insanely helpful to me and I shared where kind of with you off camera where I'm at and right now and so thank

56:14

you so much one last thing I I want to say and just is coming to my mind as we're talking is and I'm curious you

56:21

feel the same way you know everything is hindsight but when I look at the timeline of my life it all makes sense

56:28

to me now when the time in which things happened makes so much sense to me now

56:34

and I wish I could have trusted that so much sooner because I think it would have saved me a lot of anxiety and

56:41

sadness but now it all makes sense and I'm trying to remind myself and I'm saying that a lot to remind to myself

56:46

too with this second baby that like when that happens because it will happen it is done it is happening it will all make

56:53

sense as to why that was the timeline and and that's I just wanted to and I want to hear if you feel the same way

57:00

but I think it's important to say because at some point it all makes sense we live in a lot of uncertainty and

57:06

doubt and question of whether these things will happen and when they do we're like oh it makes sense as to why it's happening

57:12

now 100% agree with you on that if I reflect back to the 32y old you know

57:19

whenever I thought I was going to have that baby early 30s she was not capable of raising a child I'm sure she would

57:25

have done it but not in the manner that I would have hoped to be and I had a lot of things

57:31

to work through to get me to a point where now I feel really confident to

57:36

become a parent um and maybe that does come with age you know and I had to

57:43

navigate all those things to get to a point and you know if we take that analogy again about maybe my children

57:49

have been watching me this whole point you know this whole time they've suddenly said okay now you're ready now

57:55

she's ready now now we're going to come and you'll when your baby is here you'll

58:00

see that even more because that's been my experience with my son I'm like I'm such a better mom now than and and to

58:07

your point like I would have done it but who I am now I'm such a better mom to

58:12

him like I'm such a I think a good mom to him um so I think that thought will be revalidated when your baby is here

58:20

thank you I mean I remember when I when I did approach that you know when I said when I went out and I finally said

58:26

enough and I got a coach one of the first things I said to her was I want to

58:31

become a parent and I don't ever want my child to feel the way that I feel right

58:37

now you know and so I think I said this on one of my posts before for me and my

58:43

baby my child and this was before I was even pregnant this was years before I was pregnant when I

58:50

had the coach but I feel like he's been guiding me you know whole time because

58:58

that was my key driver was enough now this stops with me this anxiety that I'm

59:04

feeling stops with me love I'm not going to bring that to my child um and yeah

59:12

for me that was such a powerful way to look at all of this and again did I have

59:19

that sort of mindset earlier on in life no absolutely not so do I think I'm in a

59:26

much better position now to raise my child absolutely because it's coming

59:31

from a completely completely different space to where I would have been coming from in my in my early

59:38

30s so as we as we say in hindsight I'm actually grateful for everything that

59:44

happened um I say the same thing I say the same thing again it all makes sense

59:51

and I think the work is knowing that before it happens and Trust trusting in

59:56

that before it happens because when it does it will all make sense but in the moment when it's not happening if we're

1:00:03

putting our energy on sort of that lack it's really it's really

1:00:08

challenging it is absolutely and I think look what is life without hope

1:00:15

right I think and we just have to we can talk about it as hope we can talk about

1:00:21

it as energy but I would rather live my life now in an energy

1:00:28

of of everything's going to be okay or everything will work out as it's meant

1:00:33

to versus fear-based feeling so how much you know even now in the

1:00:41

situation I'm in I could spend a lot of time worrying about how am I going to cope how am I going to do this by myself

1:00:48

and every time I catch myself doing it because again I'm human I do have these thoughts I just bring it back to now in

1:00:56

the present moment is that a reality for me no it's not right now I'm safe right

1:01:01

now I'm good right now I don't know what's going to happen and keeping my

1:01:06

you know keeping my Center there keeping my energy there instead of worrying about those things that may never ever

1:01:12

come never ever exactly we had an incredible guest her her episode hasn't aired yet but um she's also having a

1:01:20

child on her own and she's I love how she says she's like I'm not doing this by myself she's like I have this person

1:01:26

I have this person I have an amazing family she's like I'm not by myself so I love how she shifts that narrative yeah

1:01:34

I mean you definitely have to have a community um around you yeah even as

1:01:40

even as a a a parent with a partner you need you need a community it's we're

1:01:46

meant to raise children in communities so yeah absolutely and I'm lucky in that

1:01:52

sense you know I have a really great group of friends that all stand by me throughout this process and I think more

1:01:58

importantly my family as well and yes we don't live in the same country so my family is in the UK and I live in

1:02:04

Switzerland um but just to know that they're at the other end of the phone and I have that support is is of huge

1:02:12

huge help huge support to me as well well I took up a lot of your time here but I love speaking with you and I

1:02:19

appreciate you being here and everything you shared I'm I'm so honest and saying it's been so helpful for me today I

1:02:24

think it's going to help me shift tremendously and I know everyone listening will will feel the same and I

1:02:30

imagine you're wrapping up some work soon from rury leave but tell everyone where they can find you at very least on

1:02:35

on social media because your your messaging is all there and it's it's amazing yeah I mean I'm pretty much just

1:02:41

on Instagram at the moment so you can find me and it's yeah my handle is emma.

1:02:46

kate. James so quite easy to find um but yeah I will be wrapping up very very

1:02:57

um and and looking forward to it as as well I'm looking forward to winding down a little bit I do actually have I am if

1:03:05

it's okay for me to share this I'm absolutely a live group Q&A soon so um

1:03:11

I'm just giving women the opportunity to jump on and ask me any questions they have because like you and you host the

1:03:18

podcast I think these sort of conversations are so valuable when shared so so valuable and when we're

1:03:24

talking about again evidence and models like you're certainly one I'm sure you've inspired a lot of women to

1:03:30

consider this journey themselves that maybe were kind of on the fence and so you were inspiration to them I imagine

1:03:36

I'm sure well thank you so much for being here I really appreciate you and and

1:03:42

your time and everything you've shared here today thank you and thank you for having me here

1:03:50

[Music]

‍